Telling my adult child wBPD that I'm breaking up with partner

[satahal]

Hi,

I've not posted on the parenting forum for sometime.

I have a child diagnosed with BPD in her late twenties. She is through school and grad school and lives in another country, working part-time and doing better. I still help her financially. She very much wants to work more but between economic realities, her niche field and her mental health working full time isn't in the cards now and may never be.

I just ended my 9 year-r/s with my partner wBPD a few days ago. I'd dialed it way back about a year ago and only somewhat recently made her partially aware of this in a very casual way. She's quite fond of him, doesn't know about his abusive behavior, drinking or mental health issues - she was struggling so much these past few years that I couldn't bring myself to tell her.

I don't think he's as important to her personally so much as she likes seeing her mom in a r/s with someone she believes to be a good partner. She sees him as generous and great fun. She knows he's helped stabilize things for me financially and I'm guessing it just makes her feel more secure knowing her mom is okay.

Does anyone know how a parent's break up effects adult children with BPD? He's not her bio-dad btw - she was more or less out of the house with college when he came on scene but she's spent many holidays, family vacations etc with him.

As she's out of the country I can keep her in the dark until she visits for xmas and perhaps I could invent a story even then if needed. I just don't want to tell her if it's going to cause any disruption in her stability.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Samanthal

It's great to hear your daughter is doing well, my 28 yr old daughter diagnosed last year is in treatment and juggling her work too, living at home.  I have hope for her independence once treatment is complete 

I think that you partially made your daughter aware means it's on her radar, it won't be a shock? Our kids are very perceptive and as you say she wants you to be happy, like my daughter for me.  Have you thought about what relationship your daughter may want with your ex-partner and whether you are you able to support her in that, in an encouraging way though not part of, if it does not suit you?

WDx

[satahal]

It's great to hear your daughter is doing well, my 28 yr old daughter diagnosed last year is in treatment and juggling her work too, living at home.  I have hope for her independence once treatment is complete  

It's wonderful that your daughter is in treatment. I've been amazed at how much DBT has helped my daughter. She's still a tightly wound person and very sensitive to things others may not be bothered by but she's happier. And, I'm so thankful for that.

I think that you partially made your daughter aware means it's on her radar, it won't be a shock? Our kids are very perceptive and as you say she wants you to be happy, like my daughter for me.  Have you thought about what relationship your daughter may want with your ex-partner and whether you are you able to support her in that, in an encouraging way though not part of, if it does not suit you?

I know she wants me to be happy, so I'm hoping that makes this okay for her. I just don't want to give her a worry - she's so hyper sensitive, albeit generally not about my life - more her own  I've always been a rock and provided for her, so perhaps she won't worry as much as I expect her to.

I'm fine with her having any r/s she wants to have with my ex. I really am - I know she is fond of him and he's fond of her and he's been very generous and helpful to her at times. Of course, she's not particularly sentimental or social so I wouldn't expect much contact. Still I hope if they both want it, it happens.

Maybe I'm over thinking this.

I'm just dreading Xmas - my partner hauls in a tree and buys a wreath and we all go get her at the airport. I make her favorite foods. It's more festive when he's here because he's always the life of the party. He also has a way with her - he gets her out of her shell and her funk, when I literally never, ever can. He can tease her and act goofy and she actually smiles, laughs, loosens up. If I try to draw her out of her reserve, she typically slinks off and hides in her room  No kidding.

I feel like I've delayed ending it with him just to get from one visit to the next - always vowing after it's over I'll break it off and get on with my life. Now, it's happening and it's scary.

[Lollypop]

Hi

I'm inspired by your story and I can see there's hope for my own BPDs to live independently. Something I'm determined to reach as we retire in 3 years. I'm sorry to hear of your breakup and 9 years is a long time. As you say you've got an open window between now and xmas to tell your daughter.

My BPDs is really improving in this last 9 months and will be 26 in a couple of months. I think it's a combination of many things. He's very aware of his problems with previous relationships.  Now he has a young GF and her immaturity has brought a few problems as well as very many positives. What I want to tell you is that now he knows he has BPD he seems to be working harder on having a "healthy relationship".   He says it often;  "I'm determined to have a healthy relationship, if I can't have that then I'd prefer no relationship at all".

I think you have an opportunity to demonstrate to your daughter how you've chosen to live your own life, a happy and fulfilled life. If she sees and hears you being happy this may allay her fears.

Christmas is always a challenging day for us. If you've previously relied on the ex- to uplift your day then perhaps you could decide to change from your normal format. Is there any family or friends you could visit instead, maybe you could go away somewhere overnight.  Perhaps this is something you could talk to your daughter about, maybe she'd prefer for you to join her there?

Just a few thoughts. I'm sure you'll find a way forward.

[wendydarling]

Thanks, I agree with LP, "I think you have an opportunity to demonstrate to your daughter how you've chosen to live your own life, a happy and fulfilled life. If she sees and hears you being happy this may allay her fears". She and you can also use the skills you have learnt, remember you're both in a better place that once, though I completely understand your concern.  Also doing something different to the norm on Xmas day is a great idea ... .we do that ... .it somehow makes Xmas day extra special. 

I don't think you are overthinking it ... .you are planning for a thoughtful and successful outcome and that is good.  .

WDx

[satahal]

My BPDs is really improving in this last 9 months and will be 26 in a couple of months. I think it's a combination of many things. He's very aware of his problems with previous relationships.  Now he has a young GF and her immaturity has brought a few problems as well as very many positives. What I want to tell you is that now he knows he has BPD he seems to be working harder on having a "healthy relationship".   He says it often;  "I'm determined to have a healthy relationship, if I can't have that then I'd prefer no relationship at all".

It's amazing that your son is so determined - this buy-in makes all the difference. My daughter wanted to get better and really applied herself to it - probably beginning around your son's age. She's in no way "cured" of BPD. She has tools and she uses them. She knows her limits and doesn't push herself to do more than she can handle. I don't know that she will ever be a truly "happy" person or living the life I'd imagined for her but she's happier for sure. Though she might not admit it - she's more the Eeyore type

Christmas is always a challenging day for us. If you've previously relied on the ex- to uplift your day then perhaps you could decide to change from your normal format. Is there any family or friends you could visit instead, maybe you could go away somewhere overnight.  Perhaps this is something you could talk to your daughter about, maybe she'd prefer for you to join her there?


I do like this idea of doing Xmas differently. That would certainly take away the comparison between xmas with my ex and xmas without and would add a level of excitement. I'll have to play around with logistics - being that she's flying in from another country and I've got my younger, disabled child at home. If I can wrangle my son to spend a few days around the holiday with his dad, I could do something out of the ordinary with my daughter.

Hmm - already have some ideas... .

Thank you!




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[satahal]

Thanks, I agree with LP, "I think you have an opportunity to demonstrate to your daughter how you've chosen to live your own life, a happy and fulfilled life. If she sees and hears you being happy this may allay her fears". She and you can also use the skills you have learnt, remember you're both in a better place that once, though I completely understand your concern.  Also doing something different to the norm on Xmas day is a great idea ... .we do that ... .it somehow makes Xmas day extra special. 

I don't think you are overthinking it ... .you are planning for a thoughtful and successful outcome and that is good.  .

Thank you WD. The trick is going to be her actually seeing and hearing me "being happy" - by then I hopefully won't be faking it  

After 9 years, it's going to be an adjustment living without my ex, especially during the times he would normally be on his best behavior like Xmas.

Of course, my BPDd isn't the most intuitive person - she really seems to buy whatever image I try to project, which may be me kidding myself but I actually think it's true. Between her OCD/anxiety and hypersensitivity I don't think her brain has the space to process the unspoken emotions of those around her. She's always been this way. She's one of the most un-codependent people I've ever met, which is a small miracle considering how codependent I am.