Trying to keep letting go but so frustrated

[rationalmind]

Hi all,

Just looking for empathy.  It's been many months since I posted here.  I have a 19 yo uBPD with a history of significant personal trauma, a longstanding history of polysubstance abuse, has not been in therapy for well over a year, and has always been defiant and resistant to treatment, so never really stuck with it and has never made it to DBT.  :)ue to her not abiding by house rules, lack of compliance with drug treatment, violent outbursts etc. and my having very young vulnerable children at home, she left home at 18 (not kicked out per se, just couldn't follow the rules). We moved cross country and she followed, stayed with us a few months than got settled with a new routine.  Of course I knew the chances but was hoping a clean start would help.  I pay only for her cell, car, and insurance.  Broke up with her long distance boyfriend (whom I liked) after he visited her here to take up with a new older guy.  Started school but pretty sure she didn't finish.  Our relationship had improved with daily texts, but she'd been struggling with health issues I was concerned were either manifestation of severe anxiety or drug use. She's been living with a new boyfriend whom I've met but have had little actual physical sightings of her over the last few months. Now I realize she was maintaining a facade of being functional (working in shop probably just cover for drug dealing?)  Just last week she contacted her estranged Dad to help her get into rehab--first time she's ever sought help.  After a week she unfortunately fell back to her old defiant patterns and left the rehab (in another city, she has no resources at the moment, not sure how she's getting back) likely to try to get back with her boyfriend (also using).  I have been in text contact and she is safe, I assume she has found an acquaintance to stay with.  I learned to mostly detach a long time ago but confess this is super frustrating.  She's had a few legal troubles, nothing major, but I fear she is headed towards jail or worse.  Feeling pretty hopeless and not willing to enable the addiction but she never accepts help for recovery.  Any (positive or negative) experiences that others have to share that are similar?  Although I'm sure my daughter is BPD she is not classic in that she has no suicidal tendencies, just severe interpersonal conflicts, substance abuse, and dysfunction in terms of being able to hold down a job, school etc.  Very smart and always able to mooch off others or get alternate sources of support from older drug dealers/addicts and their parents etc but I know this can't last.  Wish she could stick with the hard work of recovery but her emotional dysregulation is too much.  Sorry for the long post, feeling sad and wondering if there's anything I can do other than continue to reach out and not enable

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi rationalmind,

It's good to see you back though I'm saddened that your d19's struggles continue as they are.  Drug addiction in addition to BPD traits is over the top complicated and scary.

You say you try to keep letting go... .is this the same in your mind as radical acceptance? Accepting the situations as they are and acknowledging what you have the power to change or not change?

I'm of the opinion that it should be referred to as radical accepting, as it is an ongoing process that has no end.

Your d19 sounds like a cat with nine lives... .finding a way to survive regardless of the obstacles in her way (some she creates herself).  It also sounds like you have a good relationship with her! 

It's encouraging that she reached out to her Dad for help in getting clean and sober.  I've read many times that this is not a once and done process.  Repeating rehab is common and since she is so young there is always the hope that the future will look different than the past.

You say you aren't sure if she finished school.  Are you referring to getting her high school diploma or was she enrolled in a term at a college/community college?

I look forward to hearing back from you.

lbj

[rationalmind]

Thanks for your reply lbj.
Yes that is the term I'm looking for--radical acceptance!

She and I have a very conflicted relationship--she's always rebelled against me, but I think she is really just ashamed because I am a successful professional and she hasn't been able to live to her potential.  She did manage to get her GED which I was very proud of (intelligence is not an issue, she had a merit commendation for her PSAT) and started community college but dropped out of that. 

I know she has to be the one willing to go into recovery--she often tries to deal with it herself, and it sounds like she wanted detox but not to address the mental health issues.  Sadly I know she will relapse soon--she manages to moderate for some time then things spiral out of control.

Thanks for your encouragement--I know she is young and there may be hope as her brain matures but on the other hand she knows nothing different, having used drugs since 14.

I am encouraged that she was willing to admit she has a problem, a big step.  But it's clear she's not ready to address it.  She's not talking to me right now, presumably because she knows that I know and living the lie. 

Any tips for radical acceptance should things get worse, and any stories of BPDs who were addicts and eventually made progress much appreciated! I feel very fortunate in that I've worked with a DBT trained parent coach and so feel very prepared compared to most but it is still hard to watch your child go through this

[lbjnltx]

Yes, even with all the tools, all the skills, and significant progress on my d19's part... .it is still hard.  We have not had the addiction issue to complicate our lives... .unless you count her addiction to self injury which she overcame while in RTC years ago.  My d19's "complication" is fibromyalgia. 

Radically accepting.  One of my mantras that helped me cope during the worst of times was "everything changes, this can turn around just as fast as it turned bad".  It's relatively easy for us to fall into the black and white thinking our kids have... .especially when we have fear and have been dealing with this illness in our children for years and years.

As a spiritual person I believe that everything happens for a reason so I would often remind myself of that during a crisis and look to figure out what it was I needed to learn from this crisis... .what purpose might it be serving in my growth as a person... .as a parent.  If you are a spiritual person maybe this will help you too.

lbj

[mummydearest]

i wish i could get to a place where i can let go. mine lives with me and we had a home health aide which helped keep her moving but she lost insurance. things have gotten horrible lately. she's not showering. not doing things around the house. and i'm the bad guy if i point any of it out. i find myself avoiding going home. she's gotten insurance back. i will be calling to see if another aide is available.  i want so much for her to be independent and to be able to care for herself. i don't know how to help her make that happen.