Help me help my friend

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everyone.

I don't have anyone in my immediate entourage who suffers from BPD, but my friend is in a relationship with one. Things have been going pretty bad and I'm the one who made the "diagnostic". I am 95.9% certain my friend's SO has BPD.

I'm doing my best to help him, and I don't know where to start, it looks like the relationship is breaking apart. I don't know yet how much he would be willing use this forum, so I'm kind of "testing the waters".

Maybe you can help me convince him to sign up here? Or if he doesn't want to, still guide me so I can guide him more. I've read almost everything on so many sites, and I knew about BPD before I heard of his problems, but I just know how to deal with BPD people, not people who are in a relationship with them. He is not in full denial, he accepted she must have BPD, but I think he might underestimates the complexity of the situation.

How do I test how strong he is? How much he understands? How do I bring him here so he can get advice from people like you?

Thank you

P.S: I'm not afraid at all that he'll have the impression I want to get rid of him and that I'm tired of his problems. I'll always be there to help him. I just think I won't give him the best advices because I really deeply want him to quit this relationship.

[helper42]

Hi everyone.

I don't have anyone in my immediate entourage who suffers from BPD, but my friend is in a relationship with one. Things have been going pretty bad and I'm the one who made the "diagnostic". I am 95.9% certain my friend's SO has BPD.

I'm doing my best to help him, and I don't know where to start, it looks like the relationship is breaking apart. I don't know yet how much he would be willing use this forum, so I'm kind of "testing the waters".

Maybe you can help me convince him to sign up here? Or if he doesn't want to, still guide me so I can guide him more. I've read almost everything on so many sites, and I knew about BPD before I heard of his problems, but I just know how to deal with BPD people, not people who are in a relationship with them. He is not in full denial, he accepted she must have BPD, but I think he might underestimates the complexity of the situation.

How do I test how strong he is? How much he understands? How do I bring him here so he can get advice from people like you?

Thank you

P.S: I'm not afraid at all that he'll have the impression I want to get rid of him and that I'm tired of his problems. I'll always be there to help him. I just think I won't give him the best advices because I really deeply want him to quit this relationship.

[heartandwhole]

Hi helper42,

I'm glad that you reached out to find information to help your friend. He is lucky to have someone in his life that cares as much as you do.  

It can feel very upsetting to see someone we care about in a dysfunctional relationship. I've been there, and the desire to help, coach, and lead the person away from the painful situation is very strong. We have to be careful, though, not to fall into the Rescuing or Caretaking mode. It can really backfire, and hurt the very people we are trying to help.

Perhaps the next time the subject of BPD comes up, you can mention that you discovered a website that you found very helpful and tell him if he ever wants some outside perspective or support, he can sign up here, or simply check out the site. I would recommend offering it as something that he may find helpful and not pushing it as something he should do.

The tools on the Improving board are wonderful for ALL kinds of relationships. For example, if you are not already using them, I can imagine that the communication tools below would be very helpful as you listen to and support your friend during this crisis:

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Through your example, he may even start using those same tools in his relationship, which will help calm things down a bit so that he can make more clear-headed decisions. As you know, the most important thing is for you to be present for him so that he knows that you care. Instead of giving him advice, let him know that he is capable of finding his way through this situation, and that he has your steadfast support and encouragement.

What do you think, helper42?

heartandwhole

[helper42]

Thank you for your kind words.

Yes, it is difficult for me but not half as much as how difficult it can be for him. I don't think I am prone to fall into a caretaker role, I'm pretty solid myself, and proud as he is, he wouldn't accept such  behavior from me.

I have been using those communication tools as long as I can remember without even knowing it. But reading them really helped me understand more about how to explain them to him.
I think my mistake was to think that giving validation  to a pwBPD was a mistake; I thought validation and reinforcing bad behavior worked hand in hand. After all, they want validation and they act with cruelty and a total lack of remorse or empathy. Giving validation is rewarding them, isn't it? I understand now it is not the same thing, but I can't see how to dissociate them.

I will keep being active on this board for a few days and give him some advice and tactics. If he manages to apply them correctly, I'll tell him where I got the ideas and tips from and tell him to sign up in the "saving relationship" board.

A few last questions for now. If his BPDgf says she wants to break up and is giving him lots of bad argument, telling him how confused she is when she says she loves him or she missed him, validation would be telling her how she made progress expressing her feelings, no matter how much he disagrees with her and no matter how much she is contradicting herself?
Also she cheated in him and she is replacing him with the other guy (who himself cheated on his former gf with her). My friend should try to compete with him by giving her more validation? The other guy is kind of a selfish jerk. I'm trying not to be judgmental be he is pretty self centered and manipulative.

Thank you again.

[heartandwhole]

Hi helper42,

Validation is about allowing someone to feel what they are feeling in the moment, and being present with them as they do it. It's about listening to the needs and wants underlying what they are telling you, and understanding where they are coming from.

It's not about agreeing with their feelings, actions, or beliefs; it's understanding that they experience them. So, we talk a lot here about not validating the invalid. Here is a pdf with some bullet points:

Validation and BPD

Helper42, has your friend asked you for help with his relationship?

If not, I encourage you to listen and validate his feelings as much as you can, ask him how you can help, then listen to what he needs from you.

I can see how much you care about your friend. It's wonderful to have someone in his corner. It's important to remember, however, that you can't solve this problem for him or make it all better. Walking beside him as he feels what he needs to feel and showing him that you care will, in my view, help him more than anything else you could do.

heartandwhole

[Notwendy]

Hi Helper,

Your friend is lucky to have a supportive friend like you. However, when it comes to relationships, what goes on between two people is often very complicated and also a mystery of some sorts. People love who they love, even though we may not understand it.

I encountered this when my father was ill and I stepped in to "rescue" him from my BPD mother. I could see where the relationship was difficult for him and feared the stress would not be good for him. I truly stepped in from a place of caring for him. However, it didn't turn out the way I wished it would.

Like you, I wanted him to "see the light" about BPD, get some resources. I didn't expect, or want, to break them up but to help him deal with BPD.

What I was naive about was the drama triangle. This is the nature of dysfunctional relationships. While you may believe you aren't rescuing, that you are pretty centered, as far as the dynamics of these things go- you may be participating on the triangle as a third person in their relationships. That's what I realized I was doing and it didn't help. I would encourage you to look at resources that describe this triangle- the Karpman triangle is another term for it.

I want to reinforce what heartandwhole stated. Being a supportive friend is great. When he comes to you to talk, lend an empathetic ear. But be careful not to tread on what is personal between two people- him and her. It isn't easy to watch someone you care about in a difficult relationship- but it is that person's relationship to choose. If he asks you for help and resources, then sure, let him know about them. But stay aware of the boundaries of his relationship.

[helper42]

I understand better now thanks to you.

To answer your questions and add a bit more context, my friend asked me for help because I know them both. I forgot to mention this is a LDR, my friend being here and his SO abroad. He was desperate and even started to record some of their conversations to better analyse and understand what he could have said or done wrong without realizing. He made me listen to them and this is when I had absolutely no doubt about her being a pwBPD. I was shocked myself, she is my friend as well, just not anywhere as close. The harder was to make him understand she didn't "become" afflicted with BPD, but I'm pretty sure he still needs guidance in that domain.

For now, I started to show him some YouTube channels made by pwBPD who explain their point of view. He himself decided to contact some of them to further understand. I avoided many many other sites that were either heavily biased or that would reinforce some stereotypes. This community is by far the best and I am happily surprised by your professionalism, organization and desire to help.

You did right to warn me about the triangle, but to be honest, whatever happens to his relationship, my real goal is to be there to help him deal with the stress and pain caused by the situation more than to guide him in is couple life, even if I won't be able to avoid the occasional "what should I do, she just said/did this".

I'll send him the validation guide and the communication tools you linked earlier, and strongly advise him to sign up here.

Thanks to you both and to anyone who might want to add to this discussion.

P.S: I really like the way you avoided to answer my lasts questions, preventing me to be too much of a rescuer, it's great

[C.Stein]

I can see how much you care about your friend. It's wonderful to have someone in his corner. It's important to remember, however, that you can't solve this problem for him or make it all better. Walking beside him as he feels what he needs to feel and showing him that you care will, in my view, help him more than anything else you could do.

I agree with H&W.  It is good that he has a friend that cares as much as you do but this is not your problem to solve.  This is a road he must walk on his own.  You can walk the road with him but you cannot choose how fast he walks or what road he will take.