Psychological exam & Social investigation

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I haven’t posed for a very long time but thanks for all that have.  It has provided great support.
 
My request for psychological exam and social investigation of udBPD ex was denied.  My ex had attempted suicide in 2012 and about a year later in 2013 a serious suicide threat that ended up having her admitted as inpatient at our local facility for about 30 days.  The 2012 suicide attempt happened while she was alone with our son who had just turned 3.   From 2012 – 2015 she had contact with our son no more than 30 times throughout each year.  Dates and times were all documented.  All these items were brought up in court. 

 In the summer of 2015 she files with the court asking for a 100% custody and back child support.  We had no previous agreement, which from what I can tell, was a big mistake on my part for not filing with the court sooner.  After filing the papers she came to my home and took our son because in her words she wanted our son the first week of school since I had him the previous year (remember she hadn’t been the picture).  She took him out of his familiar routine the first week of school.   She decided that from that point on we were going to do a week on week off.  I filed paperwork asking for 60/40 time sharing. 

My motion for her evaluation was heard approximately a year later from her initial filing.  The Judge ruled “she had seen nothing in the last year that would justify requiring her to undergo an evaluation given her own testimony she's in school, she’s stable, she’s working, she’s holding down a full time job and she says she’s got a 4.0 average in school.”   My ex also testified during this hearing that she took no follow up action after her 2013 hospital stay and that she is currently not seeing any professionals.

I’m incredible deflated after these motions were denied.  I have no problem with sharing a 50/50 which she wants to do now but I felt strongly that for the best interest of the child that this motion should have been granted.  If the courts came back after completing an investigation and evaluation and said the mother was fine, I would have peace of mind that I had done my due diligence and now I would have to deal with an angry ex just like every other separated couple.  The reoccurring vision of finding her alone with our son after an attempted suicide haunts me every time she takes him. 

The courts did deny these motions “without prejudices” which means we can bring it up again.  Which is positive but I’m not sure what else I can bring up.  It is pretty clear that it doesn’t matter what has happened in the past, it is what is happening now.   I understand the importance of establishing a pattern of behavior but at this point I believe she is very good at keeping anything from me that would hurt her case.  Our son had communicated to me that he would like for “it to go back to the way it used to be where he would go to mommy’s only when she called.”

Any suggestions as I consider what to do next?
 

[Patriot]

I haven’t posed for a very long time but thanks for all that have.  It has provided great support.
 
My request for psychological exam and social investigation of udBPD ex was denied.  My ex had attempted suicide in 2012 and about a year later in 2013 a serious suicide threat that ended up having her admitted as inpatient at our local facility for about 30 days.  The 2012 suicide attempt happened while she was alone with our son who had just turned 3.   From 2012 – 2015 she had contact with our son no more than 30 times throughout each year.  Dates and times were all documented.  All these items were brought up in court. 

 In the summer of 2015 she files with the court asking for a 100% custody and back child support.  We had no previous agreement, which from what I can tell, was a big mistake on my part for not filing with the court sooner.  After filing the papers she came to my home and took our son because in her words she wanted our son the first week of school since I had him the previous year (remember she hadn’t been the picture).  She took him out of his familiar routine the first week of school.   She decided that from that point on we were going to do a week on week off.  I filed paperwork asking for 60/40 time sharing. 

My motion for her evaluation was heard approximately a year later from her initial filing.  The Judge ruled “she had seen nothing in the last year that would justify requiring her to undergo an evaluation given her own testimony she's in school, she’s stable, she’s working, she’s holding down a full time job and she says she’s got a 4.0 average in school.”   My ex also testified during this hearing that she took no follow up action after her 2013 hospital stay and that she is currently not seeing any professionals.

I’m incredible deflated after these motions were denied.  I have no problem with sharing a 50/50 which she wants to do now but I felt strongly that for the best interest of the child that this motion should have been granted.  If the courts came back after completing an investigation and evaluation and said the mother was fine, I would have peace of mind that I had done my due diligence and now I would have to deal with an angry ex just like every other separated couple.  The reoccurring vision of finding her alone with our son after an attempted suicide haunts me every time she takes him. 

The courts did deny these motions “without prejudices” which means we can bring it up again.  Which is positive but I’m not sure what else I can bring up.  It is pretty clear that it doesn’t matter what has happened in the past, it is what is happening now.   I understand the importance of establishing a pattern of behavior but at this point I believe she is very good at keeping anything from me that would hurt her case.  Our son had communicated to me that he would like for “it to go back to the way it used to be where he would go to mommy’s only when she called.”

Any suggestions as I consider what to do next?
 

[ForeverDad]

Well, you did bring the facts to the court's attention, perhaps a bit late but you couldn't have been expected to know the legalese about 'stale' or old documentation.  So at this point in time "You did what you could".  Don't guilt yourself over it.  You know that going forward you won't make that same mistake.

Did Ex provide documentation from her school that she had a 4.0 average?  The court may have accepted her claim without paper proof if you didn't object or didn't ask for her to submit proof.  I don't know how you would get it because I'm assuming the schools don't publish it.  Hmm.  Or does the school publish or release lists of Honor Roll students or whatever it is called at that school?  If she's not on the list that might be something to contest regarding the truthfulness or unsupported aspects of her statements.

If there are disagreements about long term or major issues, what happens?  Do you decide, she decide or it goes back to court to resolve the lack of agreement?  Who does the school call first for school issues or does it depend on whose week it is?  If either of you moves away, who would the court default to having the child in his/her local school system, or would the court have to decide?

[ambivalentmom]

I'm sorry it didn't work out in your favor.  The idea that suicide attempts can be stale is awful.  They determined that she doesn't need an evaluation because she hasn't tried to kill herself lately?  It must be exhausting to have reasonable worry with no resolve.  You proved she was not doing well, but she only has to state that she is doing well.  Now you have to prove she is lying when she will probably try harder to hide it.

What about suggesting co-parenting counseling?  You and ex both see a therapist with the intent of working together for the best interest of your son, but hoping she will flub and uncover more that will concern the therapist.  Kindof a secret eval, plus you can voice your concerns about safety and proactive measures/follow-up actions that would ease some of your worry.

I know the feeling about the ex trying to hide behaviors.  Mine moved three states away and has failed to give me his current address many times (including where he lives now).  He was abusive when we were married, we moved a lot, and there are current red flags about her visits, but I can't think of any way to prove it's still happening.  I get all kinds of crazy ideas about setting up remote controlled satellite video cameras or hidden gps or randomly mailing domestic violence pamplets from their area (hoping to help his wife), but all that will do is make him mad, he will punish D13, and he will want to hide it better.

Try to take a moment for yourself if you can and re-energize from the drain that comes with the court battle.  I will read some of your back story and see if there is anything else I can think of.

[Patriot]

ForeverDad thanks for your reply.  We did not receive any verification regarding her facts she presented about school.  I also question her work stability.  From what I can tell she has had at least 4 to 5 different jobs in the last four years.  Again, very little contact so I’m not sure.  We just received the financial disclosure a year after the initial filing.  No income tax filed for three to four years (back taxes owed IRS).
 
Regarding school, I signed him up but did try to confer with her prior to.  I added her contact information to all forms but it seems like they usually call me if necessary.  She just recently made a scene in the school office during the first day of school because she wanted my name taken off and only hers left on.  We were the attention of the packed office as she demanded to see the Asst. Principle even though they told her he was very busy since it was the first day of school.  I did receive a call later & the Asst. Principle said that I signed him up and they will not change it unless I tell them to.
 
I’ve been the one taking him to Dr. and dentist appt.  She doesn’t even know who his dentist is.

[Patriot]

Ambivalentmom thanks I like the idea of co-parenting counseling.  I don’t think she would agree with this.  I’m not sure if this can be court ordered.  From my past experience most people who interact with her eventually see her instability.  Ultimately all I want is a third unbiased party to determine if our child is properly cared for while he is under his mother’s supervision and that the mother has taken the necessary steps to improve herself.  I question whether she has but I’m not a professional.  The judge did mention that she thinks there is a communication problem between the two of us.  She ordered us to use talking parents which I signed up for immediately but unfortunately she hasn’t.  I thought that might stop the barrage of blaming communications. 

My ex threatened to take our child and move out of state.  Fortunately that is not legal for her to do but I still fear when she picks him up she will not bring him back. 

Regarding our past we were in an unmarried relationship for 12 years.  Her two other children from a previous marriage lived with us in which I was there only stable adult figure.  I feel I still have a stronger relationship with them then their mom even though they are not my biological children.  They are young adults now.  They are not aware of the suicide attempt and threat.  They also don’t know that their mom has filed the paperwork she did (live in different state then their mom and me).  They do know that their mother wasn’t involved too much in our son life and they know their mom has issues based on their experience.  I went to therapy with the daughter to resolve her issues with her mom and dad.  My attorney wants me to consider very soon about getting a deposition from them. I feel very uneasy about this since I’m concerned about how it will affect their relationship with their mom.  I’m not sure anybody else had the experience of using other family members.  I wouldn’t mind it in a social investigation so I’m not sure why I’m having difficulties thinking about it now.  There is a lot more to my story but that is a quick summary. 

[ForeverDad]

Your experience with the school is yet another to always try to be the primary parent if at all possible.  You on the one hand were willing to include her.  She on the other hand was trying to actively exclude you even though you've been the de facto primary parent for years.  Too often we don't get our Nice Guy or Nice Gal efforts reciprocated.  A good general policy is to try to avoid decisions, actions and efforts that could end up with you sabotaging yourself.

Reminds me of my Trial Day, after nearly two years obstructing and delaying our divorce case — she had a very favorable temp order — I was greeted with the news that morning that finally ex was ready to 'settle' and at literally the last minute.  I was willing to be reasonable on nearly everything — we nons are reasonable to a fault — EXCEPT Residential Parent.  (I wouldn't have phrased it this way back then but I was setting a boundary for myself.)  She literally begged me with tears to continue as RP.  I said, "No, either I will be RP or we start the divorce trial."  Even my lawyer pooh-poohed it and joined her lawyer insisting RP didn't anything.  But that seemingly little thing was my #1 settlement term, the settlement hinged on that.  And I got it.   And the month after the final decree my lawyer was proven wrong when ex got our son kicked out of kindergarten just 5 weeks before the end of the school year.  Yes, scenes at school again, she was demanding to pick up our son on my time.  I was promptly notified they had rejected my open enrollment application to let him finish the year there and I was given ONE DAY to get him registered in my school district.   Frankly, if she had remained as RP then they would have been stuck with her and her recurring antics.  But I had become RP and they dumped her because they could.  (Another advantage of me being RP.)  I have been in charge of school matters ever since, to my son's benefit.

[ambivalentmom]

I did read a few of your older posts and I'm glad you mentioned a little more about the other two children.  I wasn't sure if their situation would play a role and I can see how you would be uneasy about talking to them about all of this.  It's not the same as other family members because it's their mom and it's going to be hard for them, no matter how awful she is, you might want to avoid a deposition all together or at least find out how much weight it would have in court before asking this of them.  How much do they know about your breakup and visitation issues?  It might be something you could talk vaguely about, mentioning you and their mom are trying to figure out visitation, just to let them know it's happening and they can talk to you about anything.  Keep it in the realm of your normal talks, so they don't have concern, but you want to mention it to be proactive in case she is already grooming them to take her side. 

I also think she will be against counseling, so maybe present it in court, even asking for different sessions to start out.  You say that you think counseling will be beneficial because you want better communication and you are unable to get a response through talking parents.  Let ex explain to the judge why you are not getting a response and let her explain why she doesn't want co-parenting counseling. 

I also understand the worry you have about her taking your son out-of-state.  I have the same worry about my ex fleeing the country with D13.  Your worry is understandable/justified because she threatened to do it and because it is not improbable given her emotional state (legal or not).  For your own sanity, however, you need to find a way to get it out of your head.  We feel worry as a way to tell us  something is wrong, address the problem and then move forward.  I guess you can look at it like an emergency action binder or a fire drill.  Think about the steps you would take if she moves out of state with your son, what forms need to be filled out, points of contact for legal and emotional support, spend no more than a half-hour, put the plan away in a folder so you can take swift action if you ever need it, and then don't think on it anymore.  If you still worry about it, then you might need to look at steps to curb the worry.  Things like, "Stop letting them rent space in your head" and other resources on this site.

As always, you know yourself, ex, children, and situation better than anyone, so my advice is a random spewing of ideas hoping something will stick.  It is ultimately up to you as to the decisions you will make.  I am also very pro-counseling, so that might be something to look at for yourself too, an unbiased third-party to vent to and filter through the crazy for you.  I also love this site, but you seem very busy.  One other thing I do is sometimes type out what I need and the situation on the computer.  It helps me when I need a quick answer, but my brain is a mess.  I delete it once I've got a handle on the situation.  Please keep us updated when you can.