Stopping the cycle of abuse

[bus boy]

The cycle of abuse occurred to me. It's funny as we heal how things that baffled are now clear. I've posted before how s9 is an obedient child. Someone posted back, emotionally abused children are often well behaved. My T said s9 will find a woman most likely like his mom. I see now what my T meant. S9 is being trained from all directions. She has her BF like a puppet on a string. S9 is learning how to keep the peace. He has been emotionally abused enough so now he knows how to act. She says s9 doesn't want to be with me but he has learned it's easier to go against me than mommy. S9 knows very well not to talk about my family to mommy. He wasn't born scared of my family. He can't say, it's nanny a bday can I go. He has to much fear in him. He missed a family gathering this summer, he even put a special request in for a cake. He was scared to speak about it to his mom although he was looking forward to it. Instead he went to a family gathering with her BF's family. I see so clearly how the emotional abuse is affecting s9 in regards to his relationship with my family and I, I also see how this can affect his future relationships. It is a very cruel sinister form of emotional abuse. How can I help s9?

[OutOfEgypt]

That's a tough situation, but it is one that I can identify with.  The important thing is to be a source of honest truth and validation for your son.  The temptation will be to see him as a victim, and to unconsciously treat him as such.  Yes, in a way he *is* a victim, but if you see him as a "poor thing", he'll pick up on that and either come to resent it or he'll fulfill that role and think he's a mouse.

So, what do I mean by being a source of honest truth and validation?  I mean you talk to him about these situations.  You tell him that it is wrong for his mom to intimidate him like that, or that it is wrong for her to not care about his feelings.  You ask him how he feels about it, and you tell him you understand and would feel the same way.  This validates his own moral compass and his feelings about it, and it in turn strengthens that part of him.  In time, he will feel stronger.  Eventually, he will either decide he needs to speak up with his mom or just not be around her.  That eventually happened with both of my daughters, one 16 and the other 10.  The younger, when she sees her mom, *still* doesn't talk when she's with her.  It's like she doesn't bother.

This isn't the situation you want for him, but he will be okay.  He's counting on you to be a source of reality.  :)on't be afraid to talk with him about things when they come up.   It doesn't have to turn into a long lesson or something, but it is important for him to know the truth and to reinforce those values that are based in reality, not in your ex's warped reality that revolves entirely around her and her whims.

Also, keep documenting incidents, as it sounds like there may be some parental alienation going on.  Any hard-evidence is good, too, in case you ever go to court.  I eventually went to take my ex to court for my youngest.  She got the court-date postponed a few times, but right before the final date she gave in and came to us, telling us that she could tell our youngest wanted to live with us.  We settled out of court, and things have been much happier since.  My daughter was grinning ear-to-ear, knowing that she didn't have to go to her mom's if she didn't want to.

Try not to worry too much about the individual battles.  Keep the long-term game in sight.  This is about helping your son see that he is *right* to have his own voice and identity and that there is a transcendent standard of right and wrong that is above his mom's current emotional state, and ALL of us are subject to it.