freaking out stuck in a small room together

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello. I usually post on the healing after break up board but I thought this board was more appropriate. I broke up with my Ex 2 years ago and we tried to do the friends thing and that did not work out either. He is married now. It seemed to become harder to maintain a friendship and i went no contact then broke no contact when he sent me a message saying his new step son was going to be going to my daughters school now and they are both in 8th grade. i found out today that my daughter has a class with this boy and open house in next week. I was upset and said i would really prefer not having to see you and he said then dont go. He then told me he was planning to be an active parent at the school and that his step son was in band and he would be at all the shows and fieldtrips... .i feel he said this because he thought my daughter was in band but she isnt she is in orchestra. This man was never active in school for either of his own children and now he is super dad which I cant help feeling is to cause drama. Well I thought about not going and my daughter wants me to go and she still has affection for my ex as we were together for 4 years. He continues to send her gifts and cards. i have never met his wife but he was cheating on me with her and that is why we broke up. im still bitter about it but i have been trying to let it go.
So my question is how do I handle this situation with my daughter. I am afraid she will see him and he will be rude to her for the sake of saving face to his wife. I honestly feel he is enjoying this immensely not thinking about the fall out for my child or how it will effect anyone else. If he is rude to her I am not going to just sit there. Im going to say something and i swear that is what he is looking for. Am i crazy to think this way?

[honeysuckle]

Hello. I usually post on the healing after break up board but I thought this board was more appropriate. I broke up with my Ex 2 years ago and we tried to do the friends thing and that did not work out either. He is married now. It seemed to become harder to maintain a friendship and i went no contact then broke no contact when he sent me a message saying his new step son was going to be going to my daughters school now and they are both in 8th grade. i found out today that my daughter has a class with this boy and open house in next week. I was upset and said i would really prefer not having to see you and he said then dont go. He then told me he was planning to be an active parent at the school and that his step son was in band and he would be at all the shows and fieldtrips... .i feel he said this because he thought my daughter was in band but she isnt she is in orchestra. This man was never active in school for either of his own children and now he is super dad which I cant help feeling is to cause drama. Well I thought about not going and my daughter wants me to go and she still has affection for my ex as we were together for 4 years. He continues to send her gifts and cards. i have never met his wife but he was cheating on me with her and that is why we broke up. im still bitter about it but i have been trying to let it go.
So my question is how do I handle this situation with my daughter. I am afraid she will see him and he will be rude to her for the sake of saving face to his wife. I honestly feel he is enjoying this immensely not thinking about the fall out for my child or how it will effect anyone else. If he is rude to her I am not going to just sit there. Im going to say something and i swear that is what he is looking for. Am i crazy to think this way?

[ForeverDad]

He will do what he will do.  Or not do what he will not do.  Frankly, you are free to do the same.  I think you can go for your daughter, regardless of his presence, insinuations or behaviors.  Can you focus on that aspect and purpose?

You're dealing with the emotional impact of contact.  That's understandable.  But think, probably some day your daughter will marry.  Will you decide to not attend and enjoy because he would probably be there?  That question is to help you properly size this issue.  If you will of course be at a future wedding then do you see that you can support her as mother in other scenarios?

No, it won't be easy.  Maybe you'll decide you're not yet ready for this, I don't know.  Why not enlist the aid of a good friend or close relative to join you in attending, one who will help you keep your cool yet defend yourself appropriately?  Do some practice sessions so you are prepared to handle a variety of situations, surprises and scenarios, for both your issues and triggers as well as his predictable manipulations and blaming.

It's been quoted here before, perhaps phrased differently, the best revenge (or antidote) is to live and enjoy your life.  Don't allow him to reside rent-free in your head.

[honeysuckle]

that is good advice. thank you

[Bright Day Mom]

Someone once gave me this advice "you have to love your children more than you hate you ex"!   This takes lots of practice, but you need to be there for your children, put your pride aside, this isn't about you - keep the kids priority

[Buffie]

Why not monitor the interaction without any visible anxiety from you (he wants you to be freaked out) and if he's rude to your daughter then remove her from the interaction matter of factly, and then talk with her about it later on?  That way you don't feed their need to see the hurt they cause, you're protecting your daughter, and it's a way for her to see that not everyone in the world gets to be close to her. 

Buff

[ForeverDad]

It has often been written that you need to have a businesslike manner in divorce rather than an ex-lover mindset where the emotions are still in turmoil.  That also applies to post-divorce encounters and dealings.  You can't let emotions eat away at you, especially not the Ex's actions.  Don't let the Ex rent space in your head and especially not for free.