Anger and Compassion

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

At the end of my relationship I was angry with him. I’d had enough of the cruelty and soul destroying push/pull so when he wanted to talk, then kept sabotaging my efforts I reacted in anger. I couldn’t take it anymore and this saved me. It gave me strength to get away. I wish I could stay angry, but I can’t. My feelings towards him change. I sometimes feel sorry for him because I’ve seen the ‘abandoned child’ in him, it’s heart breakingly sad, and makes me want to help him, but then again I fear him. He is the cruellest person I have ever met in my life. The campaign he waged against me has almost destroyed me. Almost. These conflicting feelings, anger and compassion, confuse me. How do I reconcile them? Does anyone else experience this?

[Larmoyant]

At the end of my relationship I was angry with him. I’d had enough of the cruelty and soul destroying push/pull so when he wanted to talk, then kept sabotaging my efforts I reacted in anger. I couldn’t take it anymore and this saved me. It gave me strength to get away. I wish I could stay angry, but I can’t. My feelings towards him change. I sometimes feel sorry for him because I’ve seen the ‘abandoned child’ in him, it’s heart breakingly sad, and makes me want to help him, but then again I fear him. He is the cruellest person I have ever met in my life. The campaign he waged against me has almost destroyed me. Almost. These conflicting feelings, anger and compassion, confuse me. How do I reconcile them? Does anyone else experience this?

[FallBack!Monster]

Hey Larmoyant
I'm right there with you. I've had a year or like PTSD.  Its over with my ex. From time to time no matter what I'm doing I find myself thinking about the things she did to me. Shake my head when I think of how she tried to make me doubt what i was seeing and hearing. Then I remember times when I saw her weaknesses; The child. Yes, The child like in the movie "The good son. "

I remember one minute she'll do what she could to please me, the next she was sneaking around and wouldn't listen or respect me. If I accused her of not having any respect for me, she'll give me those puppy eyes and say, I respect you.

I've been going through this for a year now, I'm not sure I still feel sorry for her but I do remember when I did. I get angry but mostly for the things I cannot change. I'm sure if she wasn't possessed she  would've been half decent.

I do think of her a lot but now I'm not sure why. I'm sure it's a form of PTSD.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Laymont:   

Could it be some FOG setting in? It can be tempting to want to fix others, but we can only fix ourselves.  It is okay to forgive and have compassion, but never want to see someone again.

These conflicting feelings, anger and compassion, confuse me. How do I reconcile them? Does anyone else experience this?

Maybe the quote and link below to an article and video on forgiveness (and forgiveness maintenence) might be helpful. 

Forgiveness takes maintenance. During future life stresses, old feelings about this injury may bubble up again. Each time they do, quietly walk those feelings back to bed with the same techniques. Eventually enough time will pass that those memories will lose their emotional punch. Forgiveness is the most mentally freeing experience. I encourage you to try it.

www.drwendywalsh.com/blog/2015/08/the-art-of-forgiveness/

[gotbushels]

Hi Larmoyant 

At the end of my relationship I was angry with him. I’d had enough of the cruelty and soul destroying push/pull so when he wanted to talk, then kept sabotaging my efforts I reacted in anger. I couldn’t take it anymore and this saved me. It gave me strength to get away.

I guess the reaction of anger gave you strength? If so, then I can relate. I used it to fuel my desire to cut the relationship. I generally don't recall many angry times with my non-pwBPD partners, so it was quite difficult and "new" for me to use anger in this way for this sort of relationship.

I wish I could stay angry, but I can’t. My feelings towards him change.

I believe I can relate to this. I asked one of the admins this year about this want/un-want of anger. I can't give you a perfect answer to this as I'm not a T or P. But this was good enough for me.

Ask, "Why was I angry?" For me I saw that anger was to be a barrier against other BPs. "No way in hell I wanna go near a BP again after what that * did". So the anger functioned to help me with this. So I really wanted to remember the suffering, anguish, and pain for this reason. Gosh no more BPs please.

But carrying that anger is stressful and it can also falsely push you from healthy others.

Yet, I also felt compassion. I could quite clearly see many reasons why she's as bunged and knotted as she was/is. I also saw these things in my bio family. It made sense. So: understanding and compassion. Yes, it is heart breakingly sad. It becomes even sadder when we amp up how we can feel the pain as their pain amps itself up. More pain can cause more caretaker reactions.

I don't know if this is consistent what what you're feeling, so perhaps it's best simply to investigate why you want the anger. Then perhaps why you feel the compassion. But I do think you will get a lot from thoughtfully questioning this part you wrote:

I sometimes feel sorry for him because I’ve seen the ‘abandoned child’ in him, it’s heart breakingly sad, and makes me want to help him, but then again I fear him.

This tells me you have an opportunity to perform acceptance of the fact of his abandoned child. Recall that acceptance is allowing something without feeling that you necessarily want to get involved. Explore doing that and question why you have this compulsion to help him. You didn't mention it's a "compulsion", but for me it was. I encourage you to figure out your why. It could be a real gem in your healing.

At the same time, I was doing quite a lot of work on forgiveness, so I encourage you to try and look into that link Naughty Nibbler suggested.    I hope this all helps with your odd hodgepodge of feelings.