Recovered BPD Husband and I fighting for custody of our orphaned niece

[Highlander]

As part of my husbands journey to recovery, we had eye opening experiences whereby we recognized that my husbands mother and sister had undBPD and his father had undNPD.  I accept that parenting techniques do not always prove to contribute to BPD in all BPD cases, but my husbands therapists all link the parenting my husband was exposed to as a child as to how he contracted BPD. 

My husband and I noticed, over the years, his sister raising her children similar ways as her parents did.   We believed his sister was undBPD, and the type not easily approached about it.  If we did it would likely result in outburst then denial and then in disowning us, hence her children as well.  We decided not to disclose the knowledge to his sister that she may have BPD so that we could be there for her children and assist them in their teens if we saw some early signs.

I say 'was', because my husbands sister, his only sibling, passed this year, leaving behind a 2.5 year old orphan (father unknown).  Naturally as the child's only known Aunt and Uncle, we took care of the child within a few days of the passing with the encouragement of both my husbands parents.

5 weeks after we took care of the child, my father in law, changed his mind and wanted to care for the child on his own.  We were not made aware of his change of decision until after he informed us that he had been to the courts and received an ex parte order ( a secret order whereby we were not notified it was going through the courts) to remove the child from our care, claiming that we had abducted the child from him.  All of this was achieved with uncorroborated affidavits that were made by him and his niece that were absolutely full of lies.  NB: please don't forget we believe his Father has undNPD which can explain his behaviours.

The only allegation in the affidavits that had any truth was that my husband had made an attempt on his life.
This occured back in 2010 and my husband was undiagnosed with BPD at the time.  After which he worked hard to recover and as noted above, it was recognized that his Father's parenting (corporal punishment, physical abuse etc) contributed to the disorder. 

So my Father in law wants to win the custody of a now 3 year old little girl, by using my husbands previous BPD diagnosis against him in this court case, of which he assisted to create in the first place! And yes, we have now witnessed my father in law smack the 3 year old hard and without explanation, discredit her emotions and get incredibly frustrated with her all the time.  Not to mention the fact that my father in law has just spent the last 25 years as a regular at his local bar in which he often drives the 12 miles home well and truly over the limit causing a number of accidents over the years of running off the road (but not ever documented by police as he lives in the country and has always simply got a friend to tow his car wreck away).

We are now fighting for the return of our niece.  We are providing the court with a report by my husbands psychiatrist which shows that he no longer presents with BPD and an older report made by another psychiatrist years before whereby my husband did present with BPD.

I am not sure if this will be enough and am seeking  clinical reference material that:

1. supports that one can recover from BPD and recovery can last a lifetime &

2. Parenting techniques can cause BPD.

Instead of my husbands previous BPD diagnosis being addressed as his weakness in this court case, I would like to help prove that it is indeed his strength.

Any ideas?

[ForeverDad]

Unless I'm mistaken, as I and most others here are peer support and not lawyers, an ex parte order is a temporary order intended to take action on one party's claims of urgency to be followed up later with both parties appearing in court to present their respective cases.  SO, yes, he was able to make whatever claims without your input but usually within a couple weeks or so the court schedules both parties to appear to defend or contest the matter.

Your spouse's self-harm actions from 5 or 6 years ago should have little impact on the current case.  The legal principle is that the actions or behaviors were NOT recent and the passage of time makes those old incidents 'stale' or less likely to be actionable or be applicable to the case.  So which are likely to be viewed as recent and which as older and stale?  In many of the divorce and custody cases commonly discussed here we've noticed that the courts only want to hear about incidents within the past six months or so, unless older incidents are used to establish a pattern of behavior.

What this means is that a single incident in 2010 can very probably be argued as being 'stale' and too far in the past to be considered by the court.  So while we can't tell you that in-laws' claim about 2010 won't impact the case, the odds are it will mean much less legally than they think it does.  (A bit of advice, don't try to argue your case with the grandparents, if they're as disordered as you say they are, then they won't listen to you anyway.  And you don't want to inform them where their claims are weak, otherwise they'll be likely to just invent new claims.  Where you need to make a solid case is with the court and any professionals or evaluators assigned to the case.)

Understand that the court possibly won't want to get into how your husband was impacted by his parents during his childhood.  Again, old stuff and possibly irrelevant as far as court is concerned.

There is a real possibility that the court will claim not to know enough about either group/party to make a determination and may call in social/children's services for recommendations.  It may be that a custody evaluation may be ordered to get an in-depth evaluation of the claimants.

I don't know if it makes a difference to prove that your husband had BPD but now doesn't.  Court seems to focus on how people are in the here and now and is not inclined to try to change them.  That your husband is doing well now is good.  And especially so if a custody evaluation children's services review is ordered.

Don't get sidetracked too much into the diagnostic labels.  Many of us here have or had spouses who had acting-out _PD behaviors and most were never diagnosed.  Courts and the professionals reporting to court all focused more on the behaviors.

Does the child receive any social services benefits?  That is, if the child's caregivers get financial support from an agency, it's possible that may be one of the reasons the grandparents jumped in?

[david]

Just throwing some ideas out there.
People at the bar including the employees. Can they testify, would they, that father in law is a regular. Was his car ever towed to a repair shop ? Can you get proof. You may need to think this over to find something for the court. Are there witnesses to any of these events ?
What is the age of the father in law and his health. Could be a factor in taking care of a three year old.
 
Any other witnesses to the smacking event that would corroborate your witness of the event. That would eliminate the he said/she said aspect.

If the courts want a custody eval then make sure you get a good evaluator. Finding a good attorney that knows who is good and who is not is extremely helpful. The child can be asked about the hitting event in the eval. Make sure father in law has no idea you will be bringing this up since he will probably coach the child and may be good at the deception.

Does father in law want to exclude you from seeing the girl ?

Can you show that your husbands parents encouraged you to take care of the child ?

When my ex first ran away I was open and honest with her. I still thought things would work out possibly. She used my openness against me in court by making all kinds of false allegations. When I stopped "volunteering" information I noticed a change in the court outcomes. Ex made wilder and wilder accusations that were easily dismissed.

Your income vs father in law income may be helpful.

Since you took the child in have you ever restricted father in law from seeing the child. Was he over your house or did you bring her over to see him. Show that you are not trying to exclude him just that you and your husband are better for the child and her future.

[Highlander]

Hi thank you Foreverdad and david for your time,

Firstly, the ex parte order.  In our case, we pleaded for an interim hearing to change interim orders but was refused and a hearing set 9 months after these ex parte orders.  Instead we were told that there was every chance that by then the child would be attached to him whilst we would be strangers and it wouldn't look so good for us.

We came to an agreement that we travel over 800 miles return to care for her and live down there 1/3 of the time.  Both parties are poor but he is the only one that gets assistance to care for her even  though we are traveling the miles and paying accommodation whilst there.  We wanted to take her home but it was decided it would be too much travel for her even though we suggested 3 weeks on 3 weeks off.

As a result of decades of drinking at the bar with him, unfortunately all the people in the town my FIL is from are all dysfunctional drunks and are tight with him, even the publican that has received so much money from him over the years.

We have never restricted him from seeing her, although he broke court orders stopping us from seeing her even after we traveled the miles to get there.

The custody evaluation is coming up soon.  Cross our fingers we get a good one. 

Only the two of us witnessed the smacking but we told many people about it at the time.

[david]

If the evaluator is good make sure you tell about the hitting incident and your concerns that it may be happening more because of his drinking and also the way he treated his own son growing up.
My attorney had three evaluators for ex to pick. He assured me all three were good. That helped because the evaluator seen right through my ex.
Each incident the he restricted you should be documented even if it is a journal entry.
Telling people is considered hearsay in court and is not admissible in court. It can be mentioned in an eval and the evaluator may want to talk to some of those people.
If you are going to be there for three weeks, if possible, take pictures and times, dates,etc of all bar visits. If you have the means you can hire someone to do it for you. A professional would be evidence in court. The problem with that would be the money. If you do anything like that make sure he doesn't know. If he goes out drinking who will be watching the child ?
He may try restricting access during this time too so make sure you document everything from this point forward. You need to show the court the pattern and that is a good reason for your concern.
My own experience is that the legal system drags everything out and the person most persistent "wins" especially if your reasons are justified.