The rollercoaster ride of being in love with a guy with the disorder

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi,

I've been in a relationship with a guy with BPD for a few months now. When I first met him, we clicked right away. He seemed sweet, stable, affectionate, open, honest, and we have a lot in common. However, one day, out of nowhere, I received my first emotionally abusive text attack. It went on about all of the things I've done wrong, which were totally warped, and he dropped me. Then, came the obsessive text messages later that day, which were of a Jeckyll And Hyde mentality... .Anywhere from swearing and abusive insults to total compliments and gushing emotions. Because, I had never dealt with someone with the disorder, I was totally tuned around and confused. I was also hooked at this point, so my brain was foggy. In short, I took him back. This has now escalated into an emotional and mental rollercoaster ride of extreme highs and lows. He has the ability to abandon me, verbally abuse me, and withdraw completely like it's breathing... .He becomes cruel... .The Hyde. It's only a matter of time before Jeckyll comes back with magic colors, and I'm back in his arms. He'll even blame himself, and admit he has issues. Also, what's strange is that he's Jeckyll in front of me 98 percent of the time. It's only when he walks out the door, that Hyde appears. It's seriously like dating 2 people. This passed weekend he spent with me... .Talking about marriage, how in love he is with me, having kids, living together, how he can't live without me, I'm his best friend... .We were intimate, which is another strong bond we've had. After kissing me goodbye, and telling me he loves me, he walks out the door. Then, the withdrawal begins, once again, followed by the abandonment. I text him repeatedly... .No reply. After a couple of days, I receive a text that states "It's not the same anymore. Think we are done here". That was immediately followed by the dropping and blocking of me on Facebook? Not the first time he's done this. The wildest part of this is, I could hear from him again! I don't want to go back to him... .So, if anyone can relate to this, or has advice on how to permanently cut the cord from a BPD relationship, I'd love to hear it! Thanks!

[jenstartist]

Hi,

I've been in a relationship with a guy with BPD for a few months now. When I first met him, we clicked right away. He seemed sweet, stable, affectionate, open, honest, and we have a lot in common. However, one day, out of nowhere, I received my first emotionally abusive text attack. It went on about all of the things I've done wrong, which were totally warped, and he dropped me. Then, came the obsessive text messages later that day, which were of a Jeckyll And Hyde mentality... .Anywhere from swearing and abusive insults to total compliments and gushing emotions. Because, I had never dealt with someone with the disorder, I was totally tuned around and confused. I was also hooked at this point, so my brain was foggy. In short, I took him back. This has now escalated into an emotional and mental rollercoaster ride of extreme highs and lows. He has the ability to abandon me, verbally abuse me, and withdraw completely like it's breathing... .He becomes cruel... .The Hyde. It's only a matter of time before Jeckyll comes back with magic colors, and I'm back in his arms. He'll even blame himself, and admit he has issues. Also, what's strange is that he's Jeckyll in front of me 98 percent of the time. It's only when he walks out the door, that Hyde appears. It's seriously like dating 2 people. This passed weekend he spent with me... .Talking about marriage, how in love he is with me, having kids, living together, how he can't live without me, I'm his best friend... .We were intimate, which is another strong bond we've had. After kissing me goodbye, and telling me he loves me, he walks out the door. Then, the withdrawal begins, once again, followed by the abandonment. I text him repeatedly... .No reply. After a couple of days, I receive a text that states "It's not the same anymore. Think we are done here". That was immediately followed by the dropping and blocking of me on Facebook? Not the first time he's done this. The wildest part of this is, I could hear from him again! I don't want to go back to him... .So, if anyone can relate to this, or has advice on how to permanently cut the cord from a BPD relationship, I'd love to hear it! Thanks!

[HopefulDad]

I've been in a relationship with a guy with BPD for a few months now.
... .
So, if anyone can relate to this, or has advice on how to permanently cut the cord from a BPD relationship, I'd love to hear it! Thanks!

Few months?  Advice?  Yeah: "Goodbye! Don't call, don't text, don't email and don't come near me!"

If you're getting enmeshed within just a few months, you really have to look in the mirror.  We all need to take that look and own our roles in the dysfunction, so don't take that personally.  But to be honest, a few months is a major red flag.

[satahal]

How to cut the cord:
There are logistical techniques:

1. Block his number on your phone so you don't even have to see the texts, missed calls or messages. This eliminates any struggling to keep yourself from responding. It's amazing how soon you forget when they aren't bombing you with emotionally triggering crap. Most cel carriers offer this and it's a built in feature on iPhones and other models as well. When I block a number on my iPhone, they don't know they've been blocked, it just goes straight to voice mail and the texts don't get delivered.

2. Put a filter on his emails if you're using gmail - this way you can have them go straight to trash or some other folder if you want to see them later.

Emotionally, it's not so simple. Keep busy, fill the space he filled with other things - if life becomes interesting enough, I find my willingness to engage is very low to nonexistent. I know it's easier said than done - keeping busy when you're sad is hard.

Having spent 9 long years in a r/s with a pwBPD I know I've said many, many times that I wish I'd ended it when I was only a few months in. For however much it hurts, it doesn't last very long in a r/s that new. After years it's nearly impossible and you will be in so much worse shape.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey jenstartist, Be grateful that it's only been a few months, instead of 16 years like some of us (me).  Agree w/HopefulDad.  You'll never get to the bottom of BPD, in my view, because it is an extremely complex disorder that can get significantly worse over time.  Best plan: cut your losses and move on.

LuckyJim

[jenstartist]

Thanks so much, everyone... .Great advice. I also found out he's already been strongly active on Match.com Not all of the info he's posted is even true. It especially hurts when you realize you'll never know the full truth of what they did when they weren't in front of you. It's also so difficult to realize you aren't as special as they made you think you are... .He claimed he wanted to grow old with me. I'm such a communicative person, and it's been extremely difficult to not tell him what I think of him, and what he's done. However, I know he won't process the info correctly, and it will just be opening Pandora's box for attacks/seduction... .

[JQ]

Hi Jen,

Hey I see that you only have a couple of post here so let me be one of the first to say Welcome to the Group.    I'm sorry that you had to find us, but happy for you that you did.  In a very short period of time you have learned of BPD & the emotional chaos, drama that can come with it. Your story isn't much different the a lot of people here including mine. We're all at different stages of our BPD r/s. Some are just learning about it, some have worked hard on themselves to move past it.  It sounds as your journey of self enlightenment is just starting and we are & will be here for you when you need us to pick you up when you stumble on your journey. And trust me you will stumble because we all have. It sounds as if you've experienced this already.

You mentioned so many things like Jekyll & Hyde that we've all experienced. You'll learn the verbiage that you've experienced like painted black, painted white, gas lighting, projection, boundaries and the list goes on. We're here to help you along the way.

You asked about permanently cutting the cord to your exBPD ... .get out a sharp knife because you're going to need it. You've been giving some great advice here my LuckyJim, Hopefuldad ... .if you truly want to cut the cord then you'll need to go NC or No Contact. As they've pointed out you'll need to lock down your social media like FB. Lock down tight along with any other social media you might have. Then block their number on your cell so you won't get those texts or phone calls. Then delete their number from you contacts so that you won't call them in a moment of weakness, anger or curiosity.

Your so right that if you tell him what you would like to that he actually won't process what you tell him. BPD is a Very Serious Cluster B Mental Illness, many people in the mental health care field have tried and failed to reach them to help them in some way obtain a sense of normalcy, a sense of self, to reduce the impulse control, to reduce the hurt they cause and the hurt, guilt, shame that they feel. But BPD is one of the more nastier Behavioral Mental Illnesses and difficult to "manage" for anyone.

The other guidance I would suggest is to insure that you're eating right, exercising even if it's a walking a mile everyday. It only takes about 15 minutes on a slow day & will help you reduce your stress level. Call an old friend you haven't talked to in awhile ... .this is good for the soul. Get out and enjoy nature because in a little while winter will be upon us and nature will be asleep for the winter. Learn to take care of yourself too. Maybe get a therapist who is very familiar with BPD & codependency as most of us will testify that it is one of the key's to getting through all of this.

And finally come back here as often as you need to and as often as you want too. It's kinda like group therapy. We're here to support you. You can vent and get things off your chest since we're kinda of anonymous here. It'll do you some good too.

Welcome to the group 

J

[Cat Familiar]

BPD veteran--two husbands and possibly one old boyfriend in addition to mother.

Here's the problem when you first discover the Jeckyl/Hyde dynamic: I, and so many others, through a process of wishful thinking, tended to believe the real person was Dr. Jeckyl, the wonderful person we originally fell in love with.

Unfortunately, over time, Mr. Hyde starts showing up more and more frequently.

"Hey, I don't want this monster guy. I want the nice romantic loving guy." And off we go, thinking that we can change ourselves or change them so that the incredible person that drew us into the relationship will show up for good and we can banish the nasty weirdo that's creating so many problems.

The reality is that they are both characters. And if we honestly ask ourselves at the beginning of the relationship, knowing that the Hyde personality will be a regular occurrence, ":)o we actually want to be engaged in a relationship with this individual?" I think the honest answer for many of us would be "NO!"

[JQ]

Cat,

You are certainly a BPD veteran & deserve combat pay   I'm sure we could swap a war story or two, step mother, step sister, half brother, at least 2 exBPDgfs.  You make a great observation and valid point with the Jekyll & Hyde persona that come with someone who has BPD.

With respect to that comment with a gf/bf, I would absolutely agree with you love the Doctor persona & all that came with them. BUT! When Mr./MS Hyde makes their presents known you have no idea what hit you and are knock down. And as you said, you set out on your Knight in Armor Quest to change them. And as we all know, that leaves the battle field nothing but waste & barren.  After we beat our head against the wall enough obtaining the same result we finally resolve to look within ourselves and find the codependent within ourselves.

That leads to the possible BPD house that we grew up in which leads to what to do with these toxic but "family" r/s. Eventually the flying monkey's they released day in and day out caused me to go NC with all of them. As tough as it was, it was needed in order to maintain my own mental health and to live MY own life.  It certainly is one of the most difficult things to do, cut your "family" from your life but if you're suppose to live a life full of happiness you slowly come to realize that without doing that the flying monkey's will continue to fly.

Then the tough work comes when you look inward to learn about ourselves and why we are the codependent we are. But it is part of the process and once you emerge from the other side you'll see that life is pretty darn good on this side. It took a lot of hard work to get here but it is so worth it.

J

[jenstartist]

JQ~ A heartfelt thank you for the kind welcome, words, and wonderful support. Cat~ I def agree with everything you said.

Again, it's so shocking... .This passed weekend he spent with me... .Talking about marriage, how in love he is with me, having kids, living together, how he can't live without me, I'm his best friend, he wants to grow old with me... .We were intimate, which is another strong bond we've had. After kissing me goodbye, and telling me he loves me, he walks out the door. We had made plans to spend the next day together. He went radio silent out of nowhere. I even text him with kind texts... .Asking him if he's ok, and telling him I'm in love with him(I felt his insecurity needed that... .No I know that only perpetuates the withdrawing and abandoning). In other words, we had an amazing weekend together... .No bumps in the road, a ridiculous amount of closeness, and no fighting. Let me digress by stating that I had taken him back a few times at this point, after extreme emotional abuse and abandonment. Of course he claimed it felt "different" this time, and that he was so tired of running... .Let's just do this, and I know I treated you terribly... .blah blah blah... .After not hearing from him for hours, he coldly and monsterously pulled the rug out from under me by sending me a single text that said... ."It's not the same anymore. I think we are done here". I know I stated some of this in my original post, but I have to state that there was NOTHING that wasn't the same... .In fact, it was as great as it could be. After that, he immediately dropped and blocked me on Facebook, followed by an extremely active profile on Match.com I received my first text from him today stating... .":)on't know if I buy that, totally felt awkward the other night". What he's "not buying" is that i'm in love with him?" As I said... .NOTHING was awkward! I'm now realizing that he must have suppressed his emotions in front of me, lied to my face, and knew he wasn't coming back before he walked out the door. I live in a loft downtown. He lives about an hour away, so we would stay at the other's place. Once, he told me he was going down to his car to get something, and took my keys, so he could get back into the building. He was even sweet enough to take my trash. I even told him I loved him as he left. He had already snuck his suitcase out the door! When he didn't return and I noticed the suitcase gone, I began to panic. That was followed by a shocking text that stated he left my keys on the passenger seat of my car with the door cracked open... .This is in a city loft garage! He then told me he's out of here, and I'm not the girl for him. Next, of course came the blocking of the Facebook page. It was less than a day when I began to be bombarded by the mixture of heaven and hell worthy texts/phone calls... .Here I am today! I know I rambling, but it helps to write it down. It's shocking that I'm not over this person, and can't stop thinking about him, when I know he's so broken and cruel! It's as if your brain can't remove the part that's hopeful... .Sighhhh

[JQ]

Hi Jen,

You just "ramble" as much as you want, you'll find no judgement here. As I said, come here as often as you need to and let us know what is going on, what your thinking because it's somewhat therapeutic.

You were certainly experiencing some extreme push / pull behavior.  When you had such a great time at your apt, no bumps, closeness, etc. you probably triggered his extreme fear of "engulfment."  When he blocked you from FB, didn't answer you text, and then didn't here from you for whatever reason the whole situation most likely trigger his extreme fears of abandonment. That's when he "loved bombed" you.  This painting you black then white is unfortunately the behavior that is very common with those who suffer from BPD mental behavioral illness.

You mentioned that, "It's shocking that I'm not over this person, and I can't stop thinking about him even thought he's so broken".  I would REALLY suggest to find a good therapist who has a lot of experience in BPD / Codependent r/s & behavior to help you sort through your thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc. This is going to be one of the key's to moving forward. I would say that most here including myself would say it's critical to getting to the other side of your BPD r/s.  You are the eternal optimist, the perfectionist, the Knight in Amor protecting your s/o, the Sheriff with the badge riding in to save the day in your r/s, maybe not just with your exBPD but maybe even with someone in your family? Mother perhaps? Father? I don't know, your thoughts? You don't have to tell us, just something to have you think about.

How are you sleeping? Eating? Social circle? Exercising? All these things need to be balanced too. Do you have plans for the weekend?

Take a deep breath Jen, things are going to get better, they always get better. But in order to get there you have to be responsible for your own happiness, your own life and we're here to help you sort it all out so you can get there. Do you have plans for the weekend? If not ... .make some!

J

[Cat Familiar]

Hey JQ, maybe we should advocate that BPD Family provides an emoji that symbolizes a purple heart for those of us who've been wounded through our interactions with pwBPD. (In no way do I want to trivialize the military's use of purple hearts, but it would be nice to acknowledge that we've been injured in the past and are now healing from that.)

I too, had to go NC with my family. Unfortunately at that time I was with my abusive first husband and that just cemented my relationship with him.

I agree that something within our past allows us to be attracted to pwBPD. I remember a wonderful therapist that I had after my divorce. She said that because of our wounds, we're attracted to these types of people and if we went to a party, we'd gravitate toward someone like that and ignore the healthy individuals.

That thought stuck in my mind when many months after my divorce, my ex showed up unexpectedly at my house. It just now occurred to me that--WHAT THE HELL WAS HE THINKING? After such acrimony that he created during the divorce process, he just decided to show up without calling and then whine about how his girlfriend dumped him!

The odd thing that occurs to me was that at the time I was not outraged by his unannounced visit. Thankfully I had some friends over so he couldn't act out in front of them, as he probably would have if I had been alone.

I'm just now, years later, wondering what on earth he had in mind by just dropping by.

Anyway, to get back to my point, hearing him ramble on about his "poor me" story, I was struck by my therapist's words. I realized that if I were to meet him for the first time, not having all those years of history as I did, there would be no way I'd give this guy more than two minutes of my time. Instead, I gave him almost twenty years.

[JQ]

Hi Cat,

Well if we were handing out emoji medals for all those that have been wounded by a r/s with exBPD, I believe that everyone in the group would be sporting at least 2 if not more.    It goes without saying that if you're in these forums you're currently sewing up a wound or you certainly have the battle scars from past encounters.  Instead lets give this out    to symbolize that one has read & learned about BPD, they have been in or are currently talking to a therapist about BPD/Codependent r/s and they've moved forward with positive results to live THIER life & seek out THIER happiness without depending on someone else to do that. Thoughts? 

You have to scratch your head at some of the behavior of our exBPD's, but I hope that you & others are at a point of your ongoing recovery that you can sit back with a glass of wine and chuckle about it. I mean really like your therapist said, "if you met them at a party you certainly wouldn't give him two minutes of your time".  I feel the same way not only about my exBPDgf at this point in my life, but certainly my 1/2 brother. Even if I didn't share any DNA with him he certainly isn't the type of person I would gravitate to or want to hang with & have a beer or two. He's just so freaking broken in addition to my step mother/sister. And I'm at a point as I said that I really don't want to hang with them any more in my life. I have to think of myself, MY happiness.

20 yrs is a very long time to manage someone with BPD, but then again maybe it had to go that long so that you could learn about your family perhaps. Without the first issue you wouldn't have never learned about the family dynamics and continue to perpetuate the issues that continued to make you unhappy with them & never go NC with them or your exBPD. I always try to take a positive from a negative, that rule of thumb is amazingly difficult when it comes to anyone dealing with someone they care about with BPD.   LMBO

As far as trying to figure out now what he wanted all those years ... .you, me, everyone in the group would hurt our brains if we tried to figure that one out even as a collective. So, pour yourself a glass of wine, put on some good music and enjoy the moment. Enjoy that you're so much better off than you were and that you are finally learning to live your life exploring it the way it was meant to be.

Cheers!  Here's to each of our own happiness. May we find it, never let it go as we continue to explore life & enjoy each & every moment of it!

JQ

[Cat Familiar]

Instead lets give this out     to symbolize that one has read & learned about BPD, they have been in or are currently talking to a therapist about BPD/Codependent r/s and they've moved forward with positive results to live THIER life & seek out THIER happiness without depending on someone else to do that. Thoughts?  

Good reframe, JQ!    It's really a marker on the road that indicates our personal evolution that we don't want to hang out with these broken people. Granted, we all have some bumps and bruises on the road of life, but it's freeing to get to the point where we don't feel obligated to spend time with people who regularly inflict their damage upon us.

That said, I'm a stayer in my relationship with my current BPD husband. His issues are so minor in comparison to my ex and my mother. And all in all, he's an honest, trustworthy person. But those BPD flareups still irritate me. I thought when I got together with him that he was a healthy non, but slowly over time, the backstory to his personality revealed itself to me. Dammit! Another BPD! Am I a magnet for them or what? Fortunately I haven't seen any signs of BPD in my friends, so I am getting better at discernment as time goes on.

And I agree with you about taking a positive from a negative. I think I'm incredibly strong due to a very difficult FOO. And getting rid of my first BPD husband was mind-blowingly difficult. After I did that, I built a house on my rural land and over time expanded it, landscaped a couple of acres with fruit trees and ornamental flowering gardens, upgraded my horse facilities, put in a swimming pool. Now it's my personal retreat. And it's really hard to pry me out of here.

Had I not gone through so much with BPDs, I doubt if I'd ever have realized how much strength and creativity and will power I have. So there's a positive out of a lot of negatives!  

[jenstartist]

I've now cut off all ties with my BPD boyfriend. However, he's sent me two texts in the last 2 days... ."Will always love you" and "BPD 100%"... .I honestly don't want to reunite with him, but now feel the guilt setting in... .It's as if I'm abandoning him, yet it could be a manipulation... .He's acknowledged it before, but abandoned me, again... .Have any of you been here? Am I a horrible person if I never respond, and stay on the path of moving forward? Thanks

[patientandclear]

He seems to be expressing sorrow and regret which is appropriate, but I'm not hearing him suggest it's going to be different. (Even if he did that would be implausible.)  Are YOU interested in more of the same dynamic? If not--no, definitely not I kind of you to continue on your current path.

How did he become aware of BPD?

[jenstartist]

He discovered he has BPD, because I uncovered it, and discussed it with him. The last time I took him back, he knew, and coldly kicked me to the curb, again... .After promising he wouldn't and things would be different. Now he's calling and texting... .Stating he's sure he's BPD, and hates living like this. He's also all over the map with his texts. I feel guilty that I'm abandoning him, if there's a shred of authenticity behind his texts. However, I've risked believing him, and been lied to and burned too many times... .I've not seen a change in him.

[Cat Familiar]

"When people show you who they are, believe them the first time."  Maya Angelou

[JQ]

Jen,

Here are some key things that I've picked up in the last 1/2 dozen post from the group including yourself. He's 100% BPD. He is feeling immense feelings of guilt and shame which leads to intense feelings of abandonment.  So he is "love bombing" you in attempt to manipulate your feelings which it appears to be having some affect on you. He has NOT apologized for his behavior or his actions. It is VERY rare to find anyone who has this mental / behavioral illness of BPD to ever apologize.

You have feelings of guilt yourself, his comments, his text, are working on your emotions, you feel guilty. You know deep down at your core that you don't want to reunite with him but as a codependent you are the internal optimist, the glass is ALWAYS 1/2 FULL. He is showing you the classic push / pull behavior of someone who has a Serious Cluster B Mental Illness (BPD) and you are a codependent  and as others have said AND as you have come to experience this isn't going to change anytime soon. As P&C has pointed out, "Are YOU interested in more for the same dynamic?"

As we a collective of BPD survivors have suggested in order to help you move forward on your journey of self enlightenment from your BPD experience you need to really consider NC. You need to block his text, & calls in order for you to avoid these feelings of guilt and shame that you are currently experiencing. Imagine if you will ... .you're sitting in your place on a weekend reading a good book or watching football or enjoying some good music with your beverage of choice and you didn't get that text or that call ... .how would you be feeling right now? How much further in your recovery would you be if you had never received those text or calls?

You've read others post in these forums so let me ask you this. What have you read that would convince you much less us that his behavior is going to change anytime soon? Especially without the hours, months, years of therapy that is going to be needed for any level of management of his behaviors that he HASN'T had?

 What have you read or what do you know from other sources that will convince you much less us that things will be different this time because he said it will be different?

And if you cut all ties with your exBDbf, how did you get the text that has resulted in you overwhelming emotions of guilt? Didn't you block his phone? Didn't you lock down your FB account?

I know he hates living like this as my exBPDgf has told me the very same words. But she has a broken brain / behavior mechanism within her brain. She's been in & out of therapy for 30 yrs and she's no closer to management of her behavior than she was 30 yrs ago. She still has multiple boyfriends to feed her need. She still tries to manipulate others in her life, family, ex-husbands, lovers in order to get what she needs on a daily basis. And like your exBPDbf, she is all over the map with her text. That push/pull behavior. I love you I hate you don't leave me behavior.

So I would again encourage  you to seek out a professional therapist who is a expert in BPD / Codependent r/s and do the deep dive on yourself & your life history as to why YOU respond & behave the way you do to a BPD.

At this stage in the detachment & recovery it is about YOU Jen ... .it's NOT about your exBPDbf.  

Stay strong!  Take a deep breath ... .you've just stumbled on the path on your journey of self enlightenment.   Here is the group holding out our hand pulling you up, we're dusting you off and straighten you up. NOW it's up to you to choose between the path your currently on, or the path to the right and see where that goes or sit back down and do nothing. The choice is your Jen ... .

J

[Cat Familiar]

Well said, JQ! 

[jenstartist]

A huge thank you! Really helps... .It's so hard to wrap my mind around the fact that he knows in detail how and why he acts as he does, and yet he can't change it at all. However, it's so true that he's never apologized in ANY of his texts. He's text me today alone... ."I hate living like this. I love you Jen more than you will ever know. I can't help it. I can't stop. IDK if it's the Adderall making it worse. Just want you know I hate this. Hate that I hurt you like this. You need to stay away, because I love you too much to keep doing this". I didn't respond. Then, I unbelievably get... ."Are you interested in going to the Browns home opener next Sunday and tailgating?" I didn't respond. The next two texts... ."Tell you to stay away, and then I invite you to a Brown's game.

[jenstartist]

The end of my last post was cut off... .His last text was asking to move in with me? What especially hurts about that, is that we had made definite plans to move in one ther, and he dropped me like it was nothing... .Now he has the nerve to toy with me on such a serious subject? A. I responded to nothing. B. NO apologies in ANY of those texts. I agree that I need to block him. I just hope he doesn't randomly show up on my doorstep one day.

[Ceruleanblue]

See, his texts even acknowledge that on some level, he knows exactly what he's doing. My BPDh did the same. I wasted 5 years with this man. I wish I'd known he was BPD/NPD, or that he'd displayed the traits when we were dating, but he showed no traits. I was looking for signs of anger, or passive aggressive behaviors, or controlling behaviors, but he kept all that really under control when we dated, then WHAMMO, after we married, those ugly behaviors started coming out. It's clearly something he CAN control, but he chooses not to.

BPD behaviors are awful no matter when they come out, but seeing or finding out sooner is a blessing in a way.

[jenstartist]

He text me this link: https://themighty.com/2016/09/borderline-personality-disorder-is-exhausting/ I bleed for him, but currently feel healthier without him. Again, I hope I'm not being selfish by keeping him locked out of my life.

[JQ]

Hi Jen,

Hey for the record, YOU are not being selfish by wanting to take care of yourself, to protect yourself. This is one of many important lessons for a NON aka Codependent to learn. "To take care of oneself", it's called the 51% rule. It is certainly a noble & honorable thing to give of yourself to another person, a group of people or a cause. But you can't give more than 51% of your energy to all of those things combined. As NON we tend to give of ourselves to a BPD more than this and we run ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally into a hole that is so deep that it takes so much energy, so much help from others to crawl our way out of.  And once we do get to the top, the BPD is right there standing demanding more of us, and we continue to give to them until something happens to us to break this cycle. Sometimes, we can't crawl our way to the top & we loose ourselves altogether.

Jen your exBPD is exhibiting the push/pull behavior of wanting you to move in than within minutes telling you to stay away. It is hard for us to understand how someone can say something that we want to hear, "I love you, move in with me, etc. etc. etc" only to turn around in the very next text or spoken word & tell us I hate you, I'm leaving you, I love someone else. Part of the reason it is hard for us to understand is that it's a Behavioral illness and this is hard for us to grasp especially since our respective BPD are in some cases highly educated, high functioning, a pillar in the community, church, PTA & might have a leadership position at work. I know it doesn't make sense does it? It's part of the Cluster B Mental Illness. 

Example, my exBPD demanded of me to move where she was so I did. She explained that LDR were a non starter. She demanded from me so many other things and I met everyone. But she continued to see others, lie to me about her schedule or whereabouts. When I decided I had enough she beg me to stay, she did all the things, said all the things that we are all familiar with. SO I stayed for a little longer only like you to have it start all over again. Until finally one moment of clarity on her part struck me and I knew it was finally over between the two of us.  We were arguing about me staying or going, she wanted me to commit to her in a relationship, and I explained to her all that I had done to meet her demands & request.  But in a rare moment of clarity she actually said, "I can't commit to you. You have done everything I've asked you too and I can not stand here and tell you I won't cheat on you." Ok, that made it pretty clear on my part of what I needed to do. To leave, move from the state and get the help I needed to make sense of it all. To look at myself, work on myself, and move forward for myself. To live MY life for MYSELF!

It sounds as if your BPD is telling you the same thing in so many words. They can't help their behavior but in a rare moment of clarity he told you that he can't help himself. He hates doing this to you, but he can't stop. Be thankful for this moment of clarity that he showed to you so that you can decide to move on or continue down the path that you're on. You're experiencing some classic BPD behavior and it makes it so confusing for the NON.

The good news, actually great news is that you can walk away from this Sever Cluster B Mental Illness unlike a few others. Imagine if you stayed with him the constant push/pull behavior you would deal with day in & day out. Imagine if you were to have a child with this person and now you're trying to raise a child by yourself & deal with the BPD behavior. Or that you had to deal with the coparenting after you split up. Now imagine the possibilities that his genes that contain this mental illness were to be passed down to your child and in 20 years you're dealing with your child's Cluster B Mental Illness.  Instead of enjoying your golden years of travel, exploring your bucket list, relaxing you're now taking care of your BPD child.

You have been giving an opportunity to move on in your life without the complications I just describe. In one conversation of my exBPD we were discussing her BPD & her now ex-husband. When she would dysregulate "have a meltdown", disappear for a couple of hours with a male neighbor or rage at him or their daughters. She made the comment that when she would rage, etc, he would say, "Oh mommy is sick again" or "Beth is having a episode again, she's sick, not well". She had told me she had been in & out of therapy for almost 30 years and still continued this behavior.  When I heard this among other things I started to learn that this was going to be a life time issue with little if any "management" of her behavior and she proved that time and time again.

As difficult as it is to hear Jen, you seem to be in the same position I was. Now the question is what are you going to do with this new found knowledge?  What do you want to do? You are on the detachment board so is this the path you still want to continue down? If so then ask yourself the question, "Why haven't I blocked his text & calls?"  Why do I continue to put myself in this position with him?

He apparently is what we call, "Self aware" of his Mental / Behavioral Illness by sending you a link and discussing it with you. Many NON's here in the forums have their own exBPDs who are self aware too, but have decided to move on from this learning lesson in life, hurt, questioning love, questioning their own judgment, their own behavior but much wiser having lived it.

You have taking a couple of steps on your journey but seem hesitant to actually start walking? I say this because you say "currently feel healthier without him", but you still have not gone NC & receive his text & calls ... .so why is that? What are your thoughts ... .

J

[jenstartist]

J,

I'm so sorry to hear of your past experience. I also value your words/advice. I definitely want to remain on the path of moving forward without him in my life. I think It's been so difficult to block him, because I've been in denial that it's totally over, or I was curious to hear what he text. However, today he stepped up him game, which makes me realize I have to go NC. He had a bouquet of flowers with a balloon attached that says "Love You". He included a note that says... ."Can't do this without you. I want to be with you. Need a little help. I love you. I'm sorry." It's upsetting on more than one level. I can't tell you how many times he's claimed he can't do it without me, and then cruelly abandoned me. He also stated he needed help last time... .Nothing changed. I don't see him getting treatment. It also hurts, because he's manipulatively put me a position of guilt, once again, if I don't reply to his cries. It's also so tough not to be able to express my anger to him... .No validation. So, I'll have to play the part of the villain here, for my own well being, and go NC.

[patientandclear]

I think it's so important that you see that nothing has changed. If the behavior is something you can accept that's one thing, but thinking it will shift is not a viable assumption. Also, the high water mark of effort is now (to get you back) and look at how empty the representations are.

In another context: my exH (not the BPD person I post here about) was an abusive alcoholic. I left him twice before the final end. Both times it woke him up so he suddenly said words I longed to hear, words I hadn't heard previously, about how he wanted to make changes but needed his family with him to have the strength. Worst thing I could have done to listen to that--for him and for me. Not sure if he might have made more of an effort had I stayed gone, but all effort ended within days of my return. "The problem" was over in his view. He was not invested in correcting the behaviors at a deep level, but in solving the problem of my absence.

My BPD ex said words about grappling with what goes on with him and r/ships five years ago too. I gave him space, stayed supportively in touch. He has made zero progress since then and chewed through numerous other r/ships, leaving a string of devastated women. It's hard to change baked in coping behaviors that provide an immediate relief payoff for distressing feelings. Most people opt not to if they have any choice.

Again, if you could live with the behavior as it currently unfolds, that would be a different question. But this is what you can expect going forward.

You sound unusually clear. My hat is off to you.

[HopefulDad]

It took me years to recognize that my relationship was a never-ending cycle of idealization and devaluation by my pwBPD.  The devaluation phase was hell, but that idealization phase... .damn, that felt good.  Real good.  No wonder I stayed as long as I did.

At some point, though, the dizziness is too much to bear.  And now having been of that rollercoaster for quite some time, I don't miss any of it.

Jen, you're on a ride.  Nothing more.  It's not love.  It never was.  Good luck waving bye to the ride, thinking "You were fun at times, but you also made me queasy.  Like all thrill rides, you got old fast."

[JQ]

Hi Jen,

Thank you for the kind words.

As Hopeful dad has pointed out the Idealization Phase is AWESOME! Who wouldn't want that on a constant basis! But that is only part of the BPD behavior during the "fear of abandonment" stage. As YOU have experienced the next stage is the "evaluation" stage and as Hopeful Dad has pointed out it is a dizzying hell that leaves many many NONs broken and wondering what the hell is happening?

P&C has pointed out that you've noticed that nothing has changed in your exBPD behavior and believing it is going to change is not a viable assumption.  Your exBPD is manipulative and you've recognized this. You deserve a big    for seeing this for what it is. I know it's painful, you want to help, you want to reach out as you have before, you want to give him what he so desperately wants but is incapable of accepting because of his Mental Illness / Behavioral Illness. Don't let his behavior give you cause for guilt ... .THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!  YOU ARE NOT THE VILLAN!

You are trying to get to a point in you life without the pain & chaos that your BPD is causing you. YOU are setting boundaries for YOURSELF!    This is about YOU !

Take a deep breath & let it out slowly. It's time to get off the crazy train roller coaster as HD has pointed out. And P&C has pointed out that you are unusually clear ... .you are certainly a lot further in your recovery than most at this stage.  So, have you deleted his number yet and blocked it?  Just asking, no pressure, this is about YOU, YOUR recovery and moving forward. Don't look for ANY validation from him because as most if not of us have testified to it's NEVER going to come from your BPD.

This is about your happiness & exploring & loving life for you! 

J