Thoughts of getting back?

[Woods77]

I keep having thoughts of getting back as my pwBpd tries hard to fight the illness and started DBT therapy after we tried for a year to get help.

Since DBT she semi cheated for first time although didn't meet the person talked on Skype and said they loved them. They had met on forums and he had been to prison etc.

Now she seems back to when we first met? I'm very confused about what's happening as she has it 'mildy' and improved loads. Then cheated for first time? Then I had to say we need to split up.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

The emotional cycles of a pwBPD can be very confusing and draining to say the least. Here are a couple of interesting reads on What it Takes to Be in a Relationship with a pwBPD and How a Borderline Relationship Evolves to help guide you.

When you say that you are thinking of getting back together, what are you thinking? Are you talking about just jumping back into a full on relationship, or taking things slowly and allowing them to develop?

[Woods77]

I dont know, im so confused. We live together and have two rooms and ive now wrote a letter and wondering to give it to her today, basically saying we should try again as it feels like she just started getting better and ive been cut out of it. Even thought it was me that ended it she seemed to want to it by talking to this guy behind my back and i now think she thinks this whole relationship was an impulsive mistake she made.

Should i give her the letter? i dont know what to do.

[Meili]

Normally, I'd advise against such a letter. The advice would be to show her through actions rather than just saying words. Ask her to hang out, spend some time with her, and get a feel for where she's at. If you feel that she's in a place that she's willing to hear it, tell her that you miss her and would like try again.

Words like "we should" are controlling. And, while you may think that the two of you should, you cannot control her. As I said, when she's shown you that she's ready to talk about such things, tell her how you feel (as opposed to what she should do).

The other recommendation is to not talk about the relationship unless she brings it up.

[Woods77]

Thanks. I wasn't going to use 'should' used could.

Ultimately I've left it as it was.

[Jessica84]

I used to write long emails to my BPDbf. In the beginning, I would send them. The letters helped me clarify my own thoughts and feelings... .but ultimately pushed him further away. They pressured and overwhelmed him.

I would recommend you keep writing, but not show them to her, for your OWN sake. This allows you to get to the core issues, experience your feelings, calm your emotions, and figure out your next steps -- without throwing gasoline on the fire. Give yourself (and her) time. Rushing the process can overwhelm a pwBPD and throw them into emotional chaos - prolonging your intended goal.

[C.Stein]

I used to write long emails to my BPDbf. In the beginning, I would send them. The letters helped me clarify my own thoughts and feelings... .

I couldn't agree more.  I also wrote out all my feelings, both to clarify my own feelings but more importantly to make sure I said what was needed to be said.  All too often one gets caught up in discussion and forgets and/or cannot put complex emotions into words.  I do feel these letters/emails should be sent but with the understand that person to person conversation/communication about the contents of the letter MUST occur.

In my case I unfortunately stopped writing and just let her marginalize my emotions.  I think I got tired of being the only one who was really making a true effort to keep open the lines of communication and I was tired of spending an enormous amount of time trying to express myself, be it spoken, written or both in most cases, when everything I said or wrote went largely ignored.

Had I known about BPD at the time I probably would have tried harder to keep the communication open and active.

[Meili]

Yeah, I'd be careful about overwhelming her with too much emotion.