I finaly moved out

[Depression = 72% of members]

Its almost 2 weeks since I got an apartment and moved out of the house we both own.  The first week I cried pretty much all the time thinking about it.  I was so sad for what could have been a great r/s (if it were not for the BPD), so sad that the person I fell in love with turned out not to be the same person I lived with for 7 years, so sad that I was leaving a house that I put so much money into to move into a tiny little apartment. 

It's been a long time coming and I've been close to doing this for years, but never had the guts to actually do it.  I always felt so bad for uBPDbf that the thought of leaving him stopped me.  I guess I finally had enough of his behavior.  The crazy thing is that he helped me move.  Up until last night we were still talking to each other and still "dating".  I don't know if that will continue or not.  I'm taking it one day at a time.  He's on a jealousy rage now since I took a picture with my adult children and x-husband at my D's 30th birthday party.  He wasn't there, or invited, because my kids can't stand him for the way they've seen and heard him speak and act toward me. He burned the bridges with them, but of course its all my fault.  He takes no responsibility and never will.

For years all I thought about was how nice it would be to come home from work and not have the first thing I see be a nasty, miserable person staring at me.  Now I finally have that.  I'm not lonely living by myself because we never spoke to each other anyway.  There was never 'how was your day" or any talk about things in our lives because he can't handle the fact that I'm an adult out in the world.  His jealousy is obsessive and prevented us from having conversations about pretty much anything, it prevented me from living a life that I wanted to live.  His jealousy of my job, my co-workers, my children, my family made me pull away from him rather than bringing me closer which is what he wanted. 

Anyway, I have a tiny little apartment with hardly any furniture at this point.  The upside is that there's nobody giving me crap about the way I dress or that I ran some errands on my lunch hour at work.  I can look forward to coming home from work to peace and quiet and no drama.  That's all I wanted and he couldn't give it to me so I had to give it to myself. 

Sorry for just rambling on, but this is really the most I've spoken about it since it happened.  I only told my parents and kids.  They told other people (which was fine), but I haven't really been up for talking about it, even with close friends. I guess the more I get used to it, the easier it will be.   

[toomanyeggshells]

Its almost 2 weeks since I got an apartment and moved out of the house we both own.  The first week I cried pretty much all the time thinking about it.  I was so sad for what could have been a great r/s (if it were not for the BPD), so sad that the person I fell in love with turned out not to be the same person I lived with for 7 years, so sad that I was leaving a house that I put so much money into to move into a tiny little apartment. 

It's been a long time coming and I've been close to doing this for years, but never had the guts to actually do it.  I always felt so bad for uBPDbf that the thought of leaving him stopped me.  I guess I finally had enough of his behavior.  The crazy thing is that he helped me move.  Up until last night we were still talking to each other and still "dating".  I don't know if that will continue or not.  I'm taking it one day at a time.  He's on a jealousy rage now since I took a picture with my adult children and x-husband at my D's 30th birthday party.  He wasn't there, or invited, because my kids can't stand him for the way they've seen and heard him speak and act toward me. He burned the bridges with them, but of course its all my fault.  He takes no responsibility and never will.

For years all I thought about was how nice it would be to come home from work and not have the first thing I see be a nasty, miserable person staring at me.  Now I finally have that.  I'm not lonely living by myself because we never spoke to each other anyway.  There was never 'how was your day" or any talk about things in our lives because he can't handle the fact that I'm an adult out in the world.  His jealousy is obsessive and prevented us from having conversations about pretty much anything, it prevented me from living a life that I wanted to live.  His jealousy of my job, my co-workers, my children, my family made me pull away from him rather than bringing me closer which is what he wanted. 

Anyway, I have a tiny little apartment with hardly any furniture at this point.  The upside is that there's nobody giving me crap about the way I dress or that I ran some errands on my lunch hour at work.  I can look forward to coming home from work to peace and quiet and no drama.  That's all I wanted and he couldn't give it to me so I had to give it to myself. 

Sorry for just rambling on, but this is really the most I've spoken about it since it happened.  I only told my parents and kids.  They told other people (which was fine), but I haven't really been up for talking about it, even with close friends. I guess the more I get used to it, the easier it will be.   

[KateCat]

Oh, thank you for the report, toomanyeggshells.

I was just thinking about you the other day. I knew you'd do it. It had to be done.

These are early, disorienting days. But it sounds as though you're not fighting them. That is excellent progress. 

[toomanyeggshells]

Thanks so much KateCat! I've been thinking about posting since the move, but I just haven't had it in me until today.  I've sort of been slogging through day to day just trying not to cry when I think about, but I feel like I'm pretty much over that hump.  I still can't really believe I did it.  Its been so long in coming - I've been thinking about it since about six months after we bought the house, and its been six years since then.  I'm just taking things one day at a time 

[KateCat]

I admire you. Plain and simple.

There are people posting here who've posted for years (don't worry, I won't name names ) who will never, ever resolve similar dilemmas. You are one of the few that really took action. The future is long in front of you, and your action will pay dividends beginning pretty soon.

I am also happy for your children. (But understand that you need to respect the sadness of this time for yourself and the man who has been your partner. As you are doing just that, I don't think you will "fall back."

[toomanyeggshells]

Well, its certainly taken me years.  I just kept thinking ... .how much longer can I go on like this ... .its been 7 years and I haven't left, will it take 10 years, 15 years? how much more was I going to take? 

My children were happy that I finally left - that's an understatement for sure, but they also were happy in the beginning when I was happy.  That's all they want for me. 

I agree about accepting the sadness.  That's a good way to put it.  I feel like I've been doing that.  When I want to cry, I usually do and just let it out, then I feel better. 

[KateCat]

I love the idea that crying is like an emotional "rinsing." (Think I encountered that in a Belleruth Naparstek guided imagery recording.) It does kind of seem like it. Like a rinsing that is repeated as needed, until finally the water runs clear.