I can't co-parent with him

[Dontknow88]

It's inpossible, he's a child himself, honestly.

Is it just me or is he really jealous of his own child (I've noticed during pregnancy)

On top of that he's extremely belittling.


The only convo he knows now are sad topics like, "I hate that you get to spend so much time with him", "I hate work", "I hate myself", "I cut myself to relief stress", "I want to die", "you should get full custody I'm insane... .Wait I should get it I'm smarter than you!" and so on. I have bigger things to worry about like getting full custody of our son than trying to help him out (I know that seems rude but I've been there and still get stomped on, can't help someone that doesn't want the help, they would want that for them self, I'll leave that to his new GF to figure that out too)

I can't co-parent with him, he can visit that's all I'm willing to give. I'm frightened of what disfuncital traits he will unknowingly & knowingly teach him and afraid of him harming him

[Kowalski]

My UstbxPDw is the same way. She was jealous of the time and attention I gave to our son. Co-parenting has been problematic to say the least and completely unworkable to say the worst.

You have to give up the thought of co-parenting with someone like that. There's no "co" about it. Parallel parenting is the only way to do it if you have to share custody.

[Dontknow88]

My UstbxPDw is the same way. She was jealous of the time and attention I gave to our son. Co-parenting has been problematic to say the least and completely unworkable to say the worst.

You have to give up the thought of co-parenting with someone like that. There's no "co" about it. Parallel parenting is the only way to do it if you have to share custody.

I'm sorry you have this problem too. I can't ever patellel parent with my ex, he can't even handle everyday stress. I rather have full custody and he only has supervised visits

[ForeverDad]

I can't co-parent with him... .

Court may default you to an order expecting co-parenting to work until proven it doesn't.  Your task is to document that you've already tried and it didn't work.

Some approaches when co-parenting isn't possible are parallel parenting or, as my custody evaluator phrased it, tag team parenting.

Be aware that courts often split parenting into two parts, legal custody such as for major decisions and parenting schedule.

As for a parenting schedule, you're pretty clear that you want his visits supervised or at least kept short.  Try to get the right to reschedule visits if on visit day he doesn't appear fit to have a visit.

As for legal custody, courts generally default to joint legal custody and are reluctant to quickly choose sole custody.  Be prepared if the court doesn't want to grant you sole custody, then you can fall back to seeking instead Decision Making or Tie Breaker status.  That ought to (1) let you proceed with your decisions without months of waiting if he doesn't agree and takes you to court and (2) reduce the returns to court.

[SettingBorders]

It's inpossible, he's a child himself, honestly.

Is it just me or is he really jealous of his own child (I've noticed during pregnancy)

May I ask you, how you have noticed this?

I'm currently pregnant with our first child. My partner, whom I suppose to have BPD, and me are together for 7 years now. But as his behavior towards me is turning worse and worse the longer I am pregnant, I just don't expect it to turn out good after the child is born.

I know his strange behavior is related to becoming a father. He's very stressed, constantly complaining about not proceeding at his working place, waisting his leisure time with really unimportant stuff (my point of view), didn't have any time for baby preparations and is blaming me for excluding him from pregnancy. After months of waiting and beeing patient for him to maybe have some time to chose a child care facility or a buggy, for instance, I am now verbally attacked for any preparation I do without him. He's totally painting me black. Worst perspective is that he wants to do all the decision making and argues a lot with me to have his way. When our son is born, will he be jealous of him - or will he be jealous of me?

[Dontknow88]

I can't co-parent with him... .

Court may default you to an order expecting co-parenting to work until proven it doesn't.  Your task is to document that you've already tried and it didn't work.

Some approaches when co-parenting isn't possible are parallel parenting or, as my custody evaluator phrased it, tag team parenting.

Be aware that courts often split parenting into two parts, legal custody such as for major decisions and parenting schedule.

As for a parenting schedule, you're pretty clear that you want his visits supervised or at least kept short.  Try to get the right to reschedule visits if on visit day he doesn't appear fit to have a visit.

As for legal custody, courts generally default to joint legal custody and are reluctant to quickly choose sole custody.  Be prepared if the court doesn't want to grant you sole custody, then you can fall back to seeking instead Decision Making or Tie Breaker status.  That ought to (1) let you proceed with your decisions without months of waiting if he doesn't agree and takes you to court and (2) reduce the returns to court.

  Congratulations on the baby !

my ex and I wernt together for seven years what are relationship was good for the most part until I got pregnant (planned).  Around the time I was five months pregnant I realized his interest and the baby was a little weird  (at that time I didn't think much of it because most guys go through a phase) I started going to doctors appointments by myself because he didn't have any interest, he didn't care to hear what happened at my doctors appointment, with family and friends the conversation wasn't so much about me and him being an  amazing couple anymore but  shifted more towards the baby on the way! (Me being the non-BPD understood that, its The babies time), he didn't understand that, he likes attention good or bad he didn't get any at all so he didn't like that... .he started picking stupid fights with me, got mad at the baby when I had a really bad morning sickness, got mad at me when I brought up conversation was with the baby as the topic. eventually I felt very alone in the pregnancy. he broke up with me at eight months pregnant.  Even now that we aren't together he rather us to have conversations about our "friendship" (that's not existent) than to hear updates about his own son.

I remember a conversation we had he said a comment along the lines of " looks like I'm going to have to fight for your attention when the baby is born" (I naturally can balance things out) that was a very childish comments and now I know that he loves attention therefore he is jealous of his child.

he got mad at his mother, his mother called in to check up on him and at the end of the conversation asked how his son/ her grandson was doing, she told me that he completely flipped out and hung up the phone, he was mad that the conversation wasn't about him anymore a conversation that lasted about an hour and a half that was all about him and got mad at the end (literally the last 60 seconds) when the conversation was about his son.

it's so weird he can stay on the phone and talk about our relationship that we once had or wants us to be friends but as soon as his son comes up to the conversation he gets mad.

he wants told me after he broke up with me that our relationship for the last longer if our son wasn't in the picture.

I don't know if you are looking for device but my vice to you is that to surround yourself with family and friends especially if you feel alone in the pregnancy or feel like you're going to feel alone. also if you guys end up still being together don't forget to make time for him to as a couple which is a normal part of relationships learn how to juggle baby time and Couple time.

once again congrats on your pregnancy and let me know how everything goes I really do care and don't want anyone else to go through what I went through

[SettingBorders]

Hello and thanks for your answer. I see some similarities between your ex partner and my boyfriend, but lots of differences, too. Think he's more jealous of me than of the baby - altough he is avoiding everything that comes a long with work. I see that he starts to use the baby against me. Says if I wouldn't decide to go on vacation with him next summer, he would go alone with our baby, and so on. We have shared custody and I see lot's of bad things coming in future. Don't know if it makes a difference if a break up now or wait how things develop after birth - at least not for the child. But I will gather some legal information. Thanks that you care. I'm feeling alone and in acute crisis. Not knowing what to do... .

[Dontknow88]

Hello and thanks for your answer. I see some similarities between your ex partner and my boyfriend, but lots of differences, too. Think he's more jealous of me than of the baby - altough he is avoiding everything that comes a long with work. I see that he starts to use the baby against me. Says if I wouldn't decide to go on vacation with him next summer, he would go alone with our baby, and so on. We have shared custody and I see lot's of bad things coming in future. Don't know if it makes a difference if a break up now or wait how things develop after birth - at least not for the child. But I will gather some legal information. Thanks that you care. I'm feeling alone and in acute crisis. Not knowing what to do... .

No problem I know the feeling, do you have friends and family around?

After I gave birth the attention shifted even more to our son. He even went as far to say he regrets our sons existence and we should of been the cool aunt and uncle without kids.

me and my ex has shared custody now and I'm currently in the process of changing that to me getting full custody. He also wants full custody.


At the beaning he did leave me out of plans and only though about himself and the baby but that shifted. It's weird cause before the baby we were good. But thinking now as long as he had BPD and doesn't want to get help it was going to crash sooner or later.

Even when we were good I still felt alone in the pregnancy.

[SettingBorders]

I don't really get how he could have so little interest in his son, but wanting full custody ... .How is that? I'm really angry about that!
I see something like this coming for me as well as he gives me the feeling of beeing in the way beween him and his unborn son. It's so stupid ... .

I have my mother who is very close to me, but noone else to talk about personal things.

Is there a good chance you will get full custody? I mean your child is still very small. But the court will have to decide one way or another, so ... .could you loose your custody in that process or is it only possible to gain the other part of it?

[Dontknow88]

I don't really get how he could have so little interest in his son, but wanting full custody ... .How is that? I'm really angry about that!
I see something like this coming for me as well as he gives me the feeling of beeing in the way beween him and his unborn son. It's so stupid ... .

I have my mother who is very close to me, but noone else to talk about personal things.

Is there a good chance you will get full custody? I mean your child is still very small. But the court will have to decide one way or another, so ... .could you loose your custody in that process or is it only possible to gain the other part of it?

I have excepted the fact that I will never understand his actions. He's doing what a unstable person dose so very little surprises me with him.

I have more than a good chance of getting full custody, I heard even his lawyer said it's probably best to back down because I'm doing a good job. He didn't like that answer so he got a new lawyer , I have lots of evidence proving that he is an unfit father and a unstable.
person.

I remember I was in your position on this site, seeing other people that went through the things I was currently going through at the time. and doing all my research and reading up on other people's profiles it was kind of like prophecies of my own situation things back then  I said "no he would never do that!" And a month later those are the exact same things he did. I never thought I'll be in this situation.

is your boyfriend currently getting help by therapist?
try not to stress and put your baby and yourself first and if you ever want to talk I'm here! *hugs*


Oh and I'm not saying that what happened to me will happen to you I'm just saying always keep an open mind to possibilities.

[SettingBorders]

Dontknow88, I am so glad that I found that board just in time and so glad you are helping me so much! I didn't think I could ever find myself in this situation either, but I start to open up my mind to any possibility. I've lost trust in him. It's painful.

I'm starting to collect evidence. I've started kind of a diary one or two month ago, where I document some of the annoying discussions we have. I think it's serving more as a recall for myself than it could count in court (in case that will happen some day). And I've audio-recorded two converations I had with him: One in which he explains to me that he's got his head occupied with other things than the baby right now. And another in which he complains about me making plans with the baby without him. I'm not sure about the quality of these grabs, as until now I've avoided re-listeing them. Again what I heared: Audiorecords aren't valid in court if they were taken without the other person knowing (what of cause is the case).

What kind of evidence do you have and how did you collect it?

And what does shared custory mean to you right now? Do you have to hand him the baby for 50 percent of the time, if he wants it? I mean, for days and nights? I'm horrified if I think about it ... .

[Dontknow88]

Dontknow88, I am so glad that I found that board just in time and so glad you are helping me so much! I didn't think I could ever find myself in this situation either, but I start to open up my mind to any possibility. I've lost trust in him. It's painful.

I'm starting to collect evidence. I've started kind of a diary one or two month ago, where I document some of the annoying discussions we have. I think it's serving more as a recall for myself than it could count in court (in case that will happen some day). And I've audio-recorded two converations I had with him: One in which he explains to me that he's got his head occupied with other things than the baby right now. And another in which he complains about me making plans with the baby without him. I'm not sure about the quality of these grabs, as until now I've avoided re-listeing them. Again what I heared: Audiorecords aren't valid in court if they were taken without the other person knowing (what of cause is the case).

What kind of evidence do you have and how did you collect it?

And what does shared custory mean to you right now? Do you have to hand him the baby for 50 percent of the time, if he wants it? I mean, for days and nights? I'm horrified if I think about it ... .

We are all here for you! A diary is a great idea for personal and court reasons it helps you to keep your mind grounded and not forget. It hurts me that you lost trust in him and you know that I know how that feels.

you can also write down the recordings in your diary so it can be used in court.

The evidence I collected was emails, Facebook chats, his public diary that was very descriptive. it all showed how very unstable he is. I also have pictures that proves his self harming. all that are really good evidence anything that has a timestamp or very descriptive like pictures.


shared custody means that I am the primary caretaker. meaning my son is with me most of the time. but it's still a problem because he does want him for overnights and I am not comfortable with that now or anytime soon which is why I am going for full custody. He doesn't see how unstable he is talks negatively about my child but still wants him for overnights and days at a time that is horrifying. and that's why I am trying to change that. I plan to get full custody and give him supervise visitation. I cannot leave him alone without a child I do not trust that.

[SettingBorders]

Thanks for your advice on collecting evidence, I will do that.

I see you getting along well with the custody question and I'm very glad to hear that. So, is there a time frame when it will all be decided and over? I hope to hear your updates on that.

How is the relationship of your ex towards his son right now? Do you allow him to be with your son without you beeing around? How does he treat him?

[Dontknow88]

Thanks for your advice on collecting evidence, I will do that.

I see you getting along well with the custody question and I'm very glad to hear that. So, is there a time frame when it will all be decided and over? I hope to hear your updates on that.

How is the relationship of your ex towards his son right now? Do you allow him to be with your son without you beeing around? How does he treat him?

I will surly keep you updated. I got a book from a used bookstore online called "stop walking on eggshells" it helped me out a lot and I recommend this book to anyone dealing with a person that had BPD or traits. It's helps with understanding there thinking for any relationship. A lover, an ex, a child or sibling.

He is overreacting about everything. So he says he's not going to see his son till he talkes to a lawyer . His loss. It's been months.

When he dose want to visit him (he says he's ok with me being there but I don't want to be ) so the plan is to do supervised visits meaning someone will be around like a babysitter or someone I trust.

It should be over within the next 2 months hopefully

[Herodias]

"he wants told me after he broke up with me that our relationship for the last longer if our son wasn't in the picture."

Mine told me we would have been together still if I hadn't had the miscarriage! Either way... .really mean and selfish. I think they just like to come up with any excuse that makes then think they are justified... .not in reality though!

[Dontknow88]

"he wants told me after he broke up with me that our relationship for the last longer if our son wasn't in the picture."

Mine told me we would have been together still if I hadn't had the miscarriage! Either way... .really mean and selfish. I think they just like to come up with any excuse that makes then think they are justified... .not in reality though!

Hello I'm sorry for your loss. you were right they are looking for an excuse and will say anything even extremely hurtful. anything to give a "reason" for the horrible actions.

[ForeverDad]

As Yoda would say, ":)enial runs deep in that one it does."  Denial so intense that they'd even throw you and your history together under the bus, so to speak.  It's not uncommon for ended relationships to be reinterpreted and reclassified as bad and even abusive.

[Dontknow88]

As Yoda would say, ":)enial runs deep in that one it does."  Denial so intense that they'd even throw you and your history together under the bus, so to speak.  It's not uncommon for ended relationships to be reinterpreted and reclassified as bad and even abusive.

Agreed