"Victory" (Kind of...)

[Duck_Borders]

First of all - big shout out to ForeverDad and all the other people that have given me advice and been patient with me.

Extremely long story short:
- I eloped with a uBPD 3 years ago
- Pregnant on wedding night
- False DV a few months later
- She moved 3500 miles away while pregnant to a different country
- Accused me of everything terrible (except child molestation)
- Accused me (with her lawyer and forensic accountant) of hiding hundreds of thousands worth of annual income through my small business
- Our son was born with health problems (cleared up now) and she had a nurse 12 hours a day which she used as a way to block me from timesharing
- and on and on and on


I'm sure this is the typical PD story... .  the difference in mine was the cross borders problem and the small business problem.  I make very little money currently and am paying about 70% of my income in child support.

So.  I have a great lawyer (2nd one, first lawyer was probably PD traits herself).  We have a very involved and caring Guardian.  My son's Mother lied and manipulated and twisted everything and everyone for about a year.  When her patterns became apparent to the professionals involved and she started to unravel, she predictably made even bigger lies. 

It all caught up with her.  Naturally she is addicted to Xanax (most likely abused in pregnancy, hence the health problems).  She disappeared the night before our most recent court hearing (case management conference), and did not show up to pick up our son and his nurse.  When we finally tracked her down, the guardian had the nurse do an assessment of her and the nurse (her friend) determined that our son was not safe with her that night. 

The next day she showed up even more whacked out on Xanax to court.  I didn't even need a lawyer that day.  She just kept talking and interrupting and blaming me non stop.  It was actually really sad.  At one point the G.M. literally read her her miranda rights and told her to stop talking.  Fortunately she didn't stop talking.  Failed drug test, slurring, stumbling, etc. etc. 

I've got full custody on temp basis pending drug counselling and psychological evaluations!  Mother has supervised timesharing with a professional counsellor ($50/hour). 

It's been a week now and it has been the best week of my life.  We've had so much fun together, I've already started developing a real schedule for him and he's responding really well.  His medical problems (underweight, speech) are starting to clear up.  We've really bonded in the last week. 

At first I felt guilty, but his Mother hasn't even attempted to setup time sharing yet, and she's only called him 3 times... .  not a great way to leave your 2 year old who's only known you and your unhealthy attachments his whole life. 

I almost screwed myself by calling her a C#nt one day on my FaceTime (when she had custody).  She taunted me into doing it by being very rough with our son when he wouldn't listen to her.  She was recording me and sent it to the guardian, who I had already lied to saying I didn't call her a C#nt. 

So my lesson to anyone that's read this far - if you truly have a BPD on your hands, sit back, buckle up, and SHUT UP.  They will bury themselves, you just need to give them enough time.  If mine hadn't shown up to court whacked out of her skull I might be in a very different boat now because I was labelled equally a liar as her because of my 1 lie vs. her hundreds of lies. 

My 1 question for anyone that's made it this far:

Does anyone have any advice on what to do now?  What to expect?  What to watch out for? 


Thanks everyone!

Duck

[Waddams]

If you haven't already, take that child to a doctor immediately.  Get any medical issues documented.  Speech, weight, etc.  If undernourished, document, document, document.  Make sure the doctor is aware of prior neglect.  Then get check up's scheduled regular enough to show improvement and acceptable resolution of those issues under your care.

In this way you demonstrate - she neglected the child, child had documented medical impacts, child was given to your care, and you responsibly and lovingly took charge and got the issues addressed.  Be the better parent and show it.  Establish a new normal and routine for the child.  Then any future custody arguments have to contend with the impact that further changes will have on the child.

And honestly, since it's temp orders, the longer it takes for her to complete drug testing and psyche evals, the better.  The longer it takes to get back to court for final hearing, the better.  Reason is that you want to establish a new routine, and new normal, and have time for it to really set in and take hold.  It will strengthen your case to keep custody - custody changes are usually only considered if there is a material change in circumstances that is causing a problem for the child.  Drag it out long enough to make sure that the child is thriving in your care for a long time and you'll be able to the make the argument to keep things exactly as they are at future court hearings. 

Hold the court orders regarding visitation, supervision requirements, etc. If you allow visitation outside of supervision restrictions you are implying you think supervision is no longer required.  Don't call your ex-, don't try to make contact happen.  Let her do what she will. 

Chances are your 2 year old has "fleas" already from your ex-.  Get play therapy going with a good counselor.

And most of all, enjoy your child.   

[ForeverDad]

Long term, you'll probably want to return home across the border.  But likely the temp order doesn't address the country issue and so for now you stay in the court's local area?  Probably good to move up your goal to return home with your son.  Court may be reluctant to hand over residence back home right now.  But if it now sees mother has serious issues and your parenting is seen as solidly positive for your child then it might be willing to transfer your case to your home area.  After all, you met and married her in your home area, as I recall.  It's not like she can't return to your town to see her son, as court permits.

[Duck_Borders]

If you haven't already, take that child to a doctor immediately.  Get any medical issues documented.  Speech, weight, etc.  If undernourished, document, document, document.  Make sure the doctor is aware of prior neglect.  Then get check up's scheduled regular enough to show improvement and acceptable resolution of those issues under your care.

All of his issues are well documented actually.  We suspect that his Mother suffers from munchausen or traits of it.  She loves being "A single mother of a disabled child!" and uses it every where for sympathy, advantages, welfare, foodstamps, etc.  

She's taken him to the ER so many times he's been on 5 or 6 different courses of anti-biotics in 2016 alone, and recently had a MRSA infection.  FYI - every time she's taken him to the ER he's been fine (cold symptoms at the most), but she describes more serious symptoms to the nurses/doctors that of course were present last night but not today... .

What I've already started documenting is the massive improvements in his weight gain and speech (by his eating therapist and speech therapist).  Also suspect that she has some form of anorexia and was passing that on to him by only giving him "thin" foods.

I will take your advice and discretely stall on anything regarding custody/visitation.  :)efinitely no unsupervised until Guardian (who can't stand mom) approves it.  Guardian is of the mind set that overnights are a long way away (a year) for mom because of the high relapse rates of Xanax abusers.  

Already got him going to a great daycare/pre-school where they have really great staff/facilities etc.  First day was rough for him, but second day he was fitting right in.  Only going to be once a week for cost reasons.


Here's my IMPORTANT QUESTION that I forgot to mention:  My plan is to relocate him back to my city in Canada, 3500 miles away from Miami.  Any tips on strategies to increase my odds of that happening are greatly appreciated.  

Cheers,
Duck

[Duck_Borders]

Long term, you'll probably want to return home across the border.  But likely the temp order doesn't address the country issue and so for now you stay in the court's local area?  Probably good to move up your goal to return home with your son.  Court may be reluctant to hand over residence back home right now.  But if it now sees mother has serious issues and your parenting is seen as solidly positive for your child then it might be willing to transfer your case to your home area.  After all, you met and married her in your home area, as I recall.  It's not like she can't return to your town to see her son, as court permits.

I met her in the 90's at high school.  Reconnected on FaceBook.  She was in LA, I was in Vancouver.  We eloped and agreed to live in Vancouver where she moved with me briefly until everything blew up.  She is Canadian and can work/live anywhere in Canada.  Her chosen industry has a huge market in Vancouver.  

Correct - temp order didn't address anything about relocation, but the G.M. did ask me what I saw as a final resolution.  I said I'd like to see at least a 50% custody for myself, and that I would relocate here if necessary to be with my son, however my income and family/friends are all at home.  I explained that my company was not something I could move or easily start up again here.  I also said that a long term parenting plan might work for either party, and I told the G.M. that Mom's industry is huge at home and there would be lots of opportunity to work there, where we initially agreed to have a family.  

Another point:  Mom hasn't worked at all in almost 3 years.  She has gotten 1 or 2 "modelling gigs" doing an advertisement, but 1) She is now 35 so that's a tough haul and 2) Difficult to work with so most people hire her once and then forget about it.  She also claims that she had to quit her job to live with me and I should support her. 

G.M. asked Mom the same question - Mom said she wants sole custody and that I can visit whenever I want.  Guardian interjected and said "That's very nice to hear, but I haven't even been able to get her to agree to an overnight so I don't see how that's possible"

My concern right now is that Mom fakes getting better and somehow argues to keep him here.  I don't think Mom can get better, she isn't so severe that she tries to hurt herself or other people, she's right on the edge of being useless/destructive, but presenting an image of being productive.

All that being said - Guardian is also annoyed with Mom as Mom hasn't even setup visitation yet.  Guardian told me that if Mom asked her to supervise one visit on the weekend she would have done it for free just because she felt bad for Mom and son who lost each other.  

[Thunderstruck]

Congrats! It seemed for awhile like you had a rough road ahead of you, so I'm happy to hear how things turned out! I remember a few years ago a member here saying "give them enough rope and they'll hang themselves". DH and I have really tried to do that, sit back and just let uBPDbm mess things up for herself.

I see the issue of whether or not you can move home highly dependent on whether BPDmom follows through on taking advantage of her allowed visitation. If she's anything like our uBPDbm, she can put on an act for a very short time but wouldn't be able to follow through with a long term plan and would eventually just give up because she "lost".

[ForeverDad]

Your Ex got her sense of entitlement deflated.  By my experience, that will not make her like you.  It took me 8 years to progress from every other weekend (EOW)... .to equal time with Residential Parent... .to full custody with equal time... .to full custody with majority time.  During all that time her entitled perceptions reigned supreme, until the last change.  Since then, approaching 3 years, she has dumped school, schoolwork, doctor, dentist, orthodontist on me, especially the money aspects.  My son consistently says she hates me.

My Ex too took our son to the ER and regional abuse center several times but it was primarily to (1) make allegations against me and (2) make me look worse than her.  I do recall one time she insisted his temperature was something like 103 degrees but the urgent care records listed it around 99 degrees.  It sounded extreme at first but turned out to be nothing notable.

My point is that you have to think twice or thrice before granting her anything extra lest she jump back onto her entitlement bandwagon.  Odds are you will never be anything close to friends again.  While you don't improperly block her, don't 'invite' her back into your lives.  Keep any future interactions as emotionally neutral as possible.

If she chooses to drop contact, Let It Be.  Maybe she'll get a BF, maybe marry, maybe she'll have another child, who knows, but let her live her life as she wishes to the extent she chooses but only as long as it is outside your parenting involvement.  Drug testing may and should become the norm for her before she can have unsupervised visits.

[livednlearned]

Here's my IMPORTANT QUESTION that I forgot to mention:  My plan is to relocate him back to my city in Canada, 3500 miles away from Miami.  Any tips on strategies to increase my odds of that happening are greatly appreciated.  

Start taking him to Canada for short visits and establish a record of bringing him back to Miami. You'll probably need to file a motion with court to get mom to sign a notarized note of permission to allow you to travel out of the country without both parents. When you do this, add to the motion that you offer to post bond -- this means that if you were to not return to the US, your ex could cash in the bond to cover any expenses to track you down and have her son returned to the US. Canada is part of the Hague Treaty and there is a very straightforward legal process in place, you may want to describe that process to comfort the court and your ex that your son is traveling to a country that honors US family court custody orders. Establish dual-citizenship for your son when you go. He'll need a certificate of Canadian citizenship which then allows you to apply for a passport. Tell the court you have family members and friends who have never met your son. If you have grandparents too weak to travel, tell that story to court. They are family and and have every right to meet him.

Establish a record of trying to maintain a mom-son connection, to show the court you are very motivated on both items: creating a life in Canada AND maintaining a relationship between son and mom, even if it is just to reassure her that you will do whatever you can to support their relationship as she goes through rehab to help her with her addiction.

I have full custody of my dual-citizenship son (Canadian-American). My son's father has a drug/alcohol problem and when he lost custody, he just gave up and is no longer in my son's life other than a text every birthday. People with BPD suffer from crippling levels of shame and inadequacy, and losing control to you (you've become the punitive parent) is a wound they have little to no coping mechanisms for, other than to feel victimized.

Also, you may find, as I did, that winning the court battle is just the beginning of your struggles. As hard as it was to have ex in my life, it is actually harder in other ways to have him out of it. My son cannot fully grieve a man who for all intents and purposes is not, cannot, and will not give him the love he needs. I have never felt so powerless in my life, the psychological and emotional injury of a parent who is alive but not there is a hole you cannot fill.

I had to learn to have empathy for someone I hated and that was ten times harder and more painful than custody battles. This allowed my son to feel the vulnerability he needs to feel so that he can grieve those feelings of loss, not let close others distract him from those feelings. Get your son into therapy and let him be angry and sad, and support him by validating the sad feelings he has. If he inherits the sensitive genotype stuff that can be heritable, he'll need validation even more, especially coming into a world with a BPD mother already in the picture.

Sorry you're going through this. For what it's worth, the stuff I went through raged between 2010 and 2013 and didn't seem like it would ever stop.

It does stop, and it does get better, as you're seeing.

Glad you have good people walking alongside you as you go through this.

[ForeverDad]

LnL knows a lot about the US/Canada issues, having lived it.  The border issue of having the other parent's permission for travel is an important one to address before travel.  It's one thing to have the court's order, possibly quite another thing to satisfy the border / parental permissions issue.

Since your work is in Canada, you and your lawyer need to work with the Guardian that travel there isn't just for quick visits to Canada.  While you're open to supporting the orders regarding mother's contact, fact is your work is there.  (And Ex used to live there too.)  It may have to start as just visits, or perhaps half and half, but if you have (temp?) custody you probably will end up with the professionals solidly on your side.  I hope it's just a matter of time before you have a long term reasonable outcome.

What does your lawyer think, would it be better for your case to end up in in Canada or stay in USA?

I'm thinking that your Ex's drug dependence will end up with her not being in son's life much.  The guardian's concern about relapses shows an awareness of this sort of addiction.  And Ex didn't help herself by immediately making herself scarce.

[livednlearned]

The border issue of having the other parent's permission for travel is an important one to address before travel.  It's one thing to have the court's order, possibly quite another thing to satisfy the border / parental permissions issue.

One other thing  When/if you travel with your son, take the court order with you. The original copy. WITH the notarized letter of permission. You may also want to consider flying into an American city then renting a car and crossing the border by land. That way, if (for some reason) you are denied entry, you can drive somewhere and try to sort things out without eating the entire cost of two airplane tickets... .maybe family members drive to Seattle from Vancouver, for example, and still get to see the little guy.

Don't expect that your family court will understand anything about international law and what documentation is needed. I had to educate myself and then come up with solutions to counter any concerns from opposing counsel.

Since your work is in Canada, you and your lawyer need to work with the Guardian that travel there isn't just for quick visits to Canada.  While you're open to supporting the orders regarding mother's contact, fact is your work is there.  (And Ex used to live there too.)  It may have to start as just visits, or perhaps half and half, but if you have (temp?) custody you probably will end up with the professionals solidly on your side.  I hope it's just a matter of time before you have a long term reasonable outcome.

Yeah, it would be good to ask an L about the timeline for putting this in place. With my court, I took small steps. I fully intended to move back to Canada and then ran out of steam. I managed to get full custody and after a few years with low contact between son and his dad, my L said I could probably move away and just see if ex made an issue out of it. I would be all but guaranteed permission to move (somewhere in the US) if ex tried to file a motion in court. Even so, moving to another country with S15 would probably entail tangling with his dad. Who knows