Separation and a Bowl

[rosesarered777]

BPD wife raged at the end of July, cops got called, she left and I haven't seen her since. SHe threatened "WE'RE DONE!" and ":)IVORCE!" at the time. All of her family wants to divorce when she attacked me and I defended myself from a random assault.

Last Saturday she ransacked the place while I was at work for 8h, taking mostly her things but a few basic items of mine (i.e. detergent, spoons, etc.).

Come home from work yesterday to find a bowl left outside my front door. Should I expect imminent contact coming soon? Who disappears for almost a month and a half and then drops off a bowl outside your front door?

We have known each other for almost 7 years. Just got married this past February, so after 3-4 months she seems to to devalue, discard and disappear.

All of the Bipolar people I have asked suggest this is very weird behaviour. I think it is so that I do not forget about her. Thoughts?

[Thunderstruck]

What do you think that you want? To reconcile (if she's open to it)? To follow through with the divorce? Have you consulted an attorney?

I also would suggest you change your locks. :x

[ForeverDad]

I wouldn't call it a random assault.  Often commented here, if it's been contemplated or threatened then it will happen given enough time.  In your case it's been just a few months and already you've been attacked.  Get back together without long term therapy and evidence of real improvement, the it will certainly happen again.  Often distance will reduce the crazymaking.  (After all, BPD is most evident in close relationships.)  Get back together and you can expect it to resume.

Why after 7 years did the conflict suddenly flare up?  You got married.  The relationship changed, once married perhaps she felt more in control of you and as husband you had obligated yourself to stay with her no matter what she did to you.

Understand that Bipolar and Borderline are different.  Bipolar has been demonstrated to have a chemical component and drugs can actually help balance out a person.  Borderline Personality disorder is more of a mood or emotional dysregulation disorder.  Yes, some drugs may moderate the behaviors but long term therapy is the real answer.  To recover she would have to stop Denial and Blaming-Shifting of her poor behaviors.  She would have to allow herself to be re-educated to ponder her thinking, perceptions and emotions and their impact on others before striking out.  A few sessions won't do it, it would have to be long term with real progress, not sudden claimed insights, minimizing or excuses.

[rosesarered777]

What do you think that you want? To reconcile (if she's open to it)? To follow through with the divorce? Have you consulted an attorney?

I also would suggest you change your locks. :x

I would like to be with her but her behaviour is getting worse with age and her family is Filipino (sp) so any issues that should be between her and I always seem to indirectly involve her parents and many relatives. It is quite frustrating because they do not belong as judges in the relationship... .Even though she has claimed in the past to not care what they think, she certainly cares quite a bit about their meddling and annoying interventions!

In Canada, divorce costs 3-4X depending on how long it gets contested, etc. The person who files has to pay in the region of $800 - $1000. It explains why she seems to just wish to forget about the marriage even though legally it is still there and highly relevant if she dates and has any relations whilst separated.

I refuse to change the locks because she is on the lease and cannot be removed from it without my consent. This allows me to take her to small claims court at the end of February and get my money re-couped.

Is there any cost to speak to an attorney? Neither her family or I can afford any legal fees so I doubt she will try and do anything about it. The worst part is that the assault was in public space and she has filed a report for that as well as a report possibly about harassing her. I received warnings for both and so did she. It would be stupid of her to try to do anything else in the future as we will both be harmed legally and financially.

[rosesarered777]

I wouldn't call it a random assault.  Often commented here, if it's been contemplated or threatened then it will happen given enough time.  In your case it's been just a few months and already you've been attacked.  Get back together without long term therapy and evidence of real improvement, the it will certainly happen again.  Often distance will reduce the crazymaking.  (After all, BPD is most evident in close relationships.)  Get back together and you can expect it to resume.

Why after 7 years did the conflict suddenly flare up?  You got married.  The relationship changed, once married perhaps she felt more in control of you and as husband you had obligated yourself to stay with her no matter what she did to you.

Understand that Bipolar and Borderline are different.  Bipolar has been demonstrated to have a chemical component and drugs can actually help balance out a person.  Borderline Personality disorder is more of a mood or emotional dysregulation disorder.  Yes, some drugs may moderate the behaviors but long term therapy is the real answer.  To recover she would have to stop Denial and Blaming-Shifting of her poor behaviors.  She would have to allow herself to be re-educated to ponder her thinking, perceptions and emotions and their impact on others before striking out.  A few sessions won't do it, it would have to be long term with real progress, not sudden claimed insights, minimizing or excuses.

I read BPD will often threaten about divorce but won't ever file it, especially if challenged. Bipolar II they will likely realize the mistake. She currently has a FB cover saying, roughly,'As hurtful as it is to be alone, this will likely be the best decision made to improve my life'. Not reallly true when you went from $470 / mo rent to presumably $900~$1200 + hydro + food plus the first+last for a new lease. Before she was able to pay off her debts and was going to achieve the first portion within 6 - 8 months... .Now it will likely take another 5-10 years. she has had this debt apparently for the 7 years I have known her (as of the end of September / start of October) but it may have been a debt from when she first took classes way back when she was in her early 20's (22?). She is now close to halfway to 33.




She was diagnosed as Bipolar II with some sort of acute anxiety... .I only saw the papers for maybe 30 seconds before they disappeared into a void a few years ago. She raged at the time about her parents not helping her and being useless afterwards.

I realized in the last two or three years she has a lot of Borderline traits... .like raging, blocking me from all form sof contact (texting, calling, facebook, etc.) amongst other things... .LIke being paranoid that I will try and visit her post-split and changing her locks in her apartment after I already returned the key as she had requested. Weird things. Before she came by and dropped things off at my parents and other times invited me over... .likely in the hopes of reconciling. The bowl is odd because she must have gotten a lease somehow even though she is still on the lease at our townhouse... .WHich seems odd that wherever she is, she wasn't questioned why the background check came up with a previous, unfinished lease. By law, they are NOT allowed to remove someone from the lease without co-tenants' consent... .She demanded to be taken off of the lease and I said no, mostly due to financial reasons... .then she asked the landlord directly to vacate... which by Canadian law requires a 60 day notice but still requires permission from a co-tenant. Likely out of frustration, her family ransacked the place, essentially stealing the wedding gifts of a washer and dryer from the place and all of her things pretty much. So in small claims court, I will mention the washer and dryer as it was a gift (the only indirect purchase since the marriage) to the both of us and hopefully recoup money there too.

The last time she spoke to me, on July 30th virtually, she said she didn't want kids afterall and I agreed. She changes her mind far too much and drinks litres of alcohol a week it seems. She will likely want kids before 35 so I doubt many guys will want to have kids after a year... .Never know. She will expect much from someone who barely knows her unless she returns.

Long story short... .We tried to go into therapy because 3 hours from here it was promoted as being free. Then we found out that the family therapy wasn't free years ago so we never followed up on it. She denies she is Bipolar II/BPD or anything and does not need meds... .Big surprise. Her mom told my dad 'she has always been like this' which means nothing... Her family is a big group of enablers and unable to see the reality of the situation sadly. I attempted for years to get her help but they want no external help and her mom has always hated me since I met her.

[ForeverDad]

I don't know about now, but in the past it was believed that nothing could be done for Borderline PD.  Insurance would refuse to cover therapy.  So often a person was 'diagnosed' as Bipolar so that (1) insurance would pay for treatment and (2) there was less stigma with Bipolar.  So that could be why she is supposedly Bipolar.  In addition, people with BPD (pwBPD) often aren't even told by the therapist that they display traits of BPD, the Denial overreaction can be that intense.

We have seen the full range of BPD behaviors in endless combinations.  Some have filed for divorce, in other cases it was our member.  Some have made DV allegations, other have made child abuse allegations, some have made both.  Generally it was to retaliate, punish and/or make the reasonably normal parents look worse than them.  Others exhibited less conflicting behaviors.  The only thing you can be sure of is that you can't be sure of anything.  The erratic behaviors, surging emotions, endless rewriting of history and perceptions of the moment all ensure that we can't count on any behaviors being consistent.

Having children is a blessing but not when the relationship is troubled.  Having children is not a fix, rather, it adds huge complications, custody and parenting issues, if a marriage fails.  So if you don't have children at this point, don't start now.

My Ex got over $60K cash and retirement in the final decree.  I don't know about her expenses, but my 8 years in and out of court were very expensive.  Within two years she claimed to have no money.  She now works most days and probably doesn't earn all that much.  Yet if we could have remained married she wouldn't have to be working or at least not much, we could have paid off the house, we could have... .you get the idea.  If she were mentally healthy to some extent she could discern the contrast between what is and what could have been.  But no, I'm often told she hates me.  It's been commented that the closer the relationship, the more evident the disordered thinking is.  Most times when we have contact she flames out, she can't get past the hurdle of emotional baggage of the ended relationship.

[rosesarered777]

She said she was scared of me at the end of July. Maybe she is used to hitting people without being hit? I don't know.

I believe she dropped off the bowl two Saturdays ago. As far as I know, she is still single. I read somewhere that any split is a million times worse for the BPD than for the non. Other than occasionally missing her, I am mostly OK.

[ForeverDad]

Understand that, from a legal and law enforcement aspect, claiming "she hit me first" is not a defense.  Men especially cannot risk an arrest or prosecution with that sort of a defense.  In the USA the applicable law is named "Violence Against Women Act".  Sorry, it is not named a more neutral and gender-equality title of "Violence Against Domestic Partners Act".

Emotionally, yes, I can get your perplexed wonderment how she can do what she does, yet that is why we call it mental illness.  Some patterns are predictable in a general sense, yet the specifics are also very inconsistent and even unpredictable.

[rosesarered777]

There hasn't been any charges and its been two months. They did warn that if it happened again, we would both be charged.

However, after they hadn't enforced her coming in and getting her things... .saying they will escort her and I could be there so she doesn't steal anything... .I really don't trust what they have told me anymore!

[rosesarered777]

Looks like she re-added this older gentleman to her Facebook instead of returning to me, her separated husband. He was a "friend" but has admitted they have drunk, smoked and been more than friends in the past.

I think this is super recent as I did not notice her on her Friends list 1-2 weeks ago. She lives locally and he lives 3 hours away, so not sure if it will escalate from online chatting to meeting again in person.

Very awkward situation as I cannot contact her otherwise the police will consider it harassment but she and I are still married until a year is up. (Which would be JUly 2017.)

[ForeverDad]

Whatever else you do or don't do, have it resolved and accepted, Do not contact her at all.  Let Go.  Move On.  However, don't try to go out and find a replacement relationship.  For one thing, you're married and can't proceed with divorce for months. For another, you need time to decompress, rebalance and recover.  Recovery is a process, not an event.  Recovery takes time, give yourself time to recover.

I recall when I first separated and then divorced.  Almost every conversation morphed into issues with my Ex.  That is definitely not a good way to start a close relationship, your imploded relationship should be solidly in the past, especially emotionally.  Be a part of groups but don't pursue dating or close relationships during this in-between recovery time.

In summary, accept that you can't and won't reach out to her.  Build yourself a support network, including but not limited to peer support such as here, seek support during your weak moments when you might give in and call, text, email or even visit.

[rosesarered777]

It's mostly tough because she has involved the police and that we are married yet are living in different locations. Neither of us can afford to be living separately but that is what she has gone ahead (presumably) and done!

Also, I did try and move along to someone new but that hit a dead-end when I realized this person has some sort of condition, if not worse, than my wife does... .Out of the blue... she told me her ex beat her, did drugs and alcohol excessively, and now she cannot even tell what a trophy husband would be anymore! She cancelled our first date, claiming exhaustion from work but did not reschedule. Before that, she said she just wanted to be friends, which I was okay with due to my situation... but was flabberghasted snce we hadn't even met -- not even once! Once it was obvious she had no interest in being honest with hanging out as friends or replying respectfully to my texts, I removed her from Facebook this morning and our other ties on Tinder.

There are less people in this town than my hometown (8X less) so finding someone who isn't mentally unbalanced will be hard.