Daughter and Granddaughters

[penny52]

It have been quite the summer, my mother passed away in Aug, and I received custody of my two granddaughters 4 & 7. There was another domestic abuse charge against the man my und27 daughter lives with and this time Social Services decided my Undiagnosed27 daughter was part of the problem. A little more back story about this summer, my und27 daughter and her boyfriend kept calling the police on the man who was paying her rent and helping out when he could. My und27 daughter has had a relationship with him for almost 5 years. Just lately I personally seen her wind up and slap him across the face and knee him in the privates at my house one night, this was happening when her oldest daughter was laying in my bed with a broken arm(the granddaughter fell off a hammock at her other grandma's house). I believe she would start a fight and yell for the kids to come and "help" her, they would get caught in the middle and it seemed like the boyfriend would handily be waiting somewhere close by to "help" too. Well just a couple a weeks ago her and her boyfriend did it again. They waited until the next day and took one of the girls in who had got hit with a door knob on the head after she and the man she has been living argued the night before, and they both decided to go to Social Services.  
Social Services recommended that she and the kids go to a women's shelter, she flipped out and they even bought the police in. The boyfriend (who has assault with a deadly weapon and drug dealing on his prison record) told them he was her fiancée. Social Services saw red flags everywhere with her behavior and his statement. When I got there SS were asking the boyfriend how she could be his fiancée for 3 months and she was still living with another man. That went over good. I told them the boyfriend had to leave the room, I tried talking to my daughter but it was too late, she had acted out to SS and I took the kids and left. SS is currently making me into a Foster home, lots and lots of paper work.  The kids are confused and of course miss their mom. I just try to comfort them and keep them on a pretty good schedule and routine. My und27 daughter last home was filthy with garbage and dog waste (she has 3 dogs) and no clean clothes, so the grand kids and I are doing a lot of work regarding keeping our things in the proper place and picking up after our selves.  
She went to court yesterday and of course has to follow through with what SS and the court orders to get her kids back. She is still lying to me about stuff but I have been ignoring that and just trying to encourage to get the help she needs to feel better and have a better life for her and her daughters. I can't see her because of the kids, which might be a blessing in a way since she has to face this all on her own. I hope this is a turning point for her. I have also been encouraging her to seek counseling on her own terms too. Thanks for listening, Penny52    

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi penny52

I'm so sorry for your loss penny, my thoughts are with you  , and you've a lot on your plate and are doing the right thing with your young grand-girls, keeping them safe. I especially like how you describe the routine and order you are providing them, it must be so very comforting for them, to feel cared for and safe.

How about you?  Do you have local support to help you through - a friend or family? Yep we are always here ... .with support, experience and hugs for you too 

WDx

[penny52]

Hi, thank you for your kind words, I have been talking to friends and family.  Today she blamed me for her problems,  I know she hasn't received any help yet, but it still was a kicked in the head.

[Rockieplace]

 Oh Penny - just catching up with the reading of posts and just felt I had, like Wendy, to let you know how sorry I am for your trouble.  Where grandchildren are involved and convicted fellons, even without the added ingredient of BPD it is so hard.  I hope you are OK and the grandchildren are able to adapt to the new environment.  It is so important for them to learn about a different way but so difficult for you to enforce it when they have probably never known a nice, orderly "normal" home.  Thinking of you and sending lots of hugs your way.      

[donnab]

I haven't been on these boards for most of this year, I needed a break from being so caught up in my daughter's illness but found myself needing the solace of other's who understand this path.

I have had custody of our 3 1/2yo gd since she was 11 months old. It is a really hard journey because in order to safeguard our wards we have to go against our motherly instinct. It has taken me a long time to be able to truly put my gd's needs above my dd's. I do now but it brings me so much personal conflict and I feel so sad and guilty about my dd's situation. Which is what brought me here today... .

In order to support my gd I have limited my contact with dd, and with every disappointment, let down I withdraw further. It's such a sad situation we find ourselves in, our dd's didn't ask for this illness and all the chaos and pain it involves. But the gc have no culpability in all this and deserve as much as is possible to have a life without the pain that is involved for people involved with ppl with pd's. The tragedy is to be removed from a parent and to have suffered the consequences of the illness there will always be conflict for them

I am part of the kinship care network on facebook and have found it so helpful to know other's in the same situation. When I first started this journey I like most believed it was temporary and my dd would get the help she needed and gd would return to her. A kinship carer said only 2% of birth parents in this situation do what is needed to get their child back. I obviously didn't want to believe that but I think it's probably true. I try to hold on to compassion for my daughter but it is really hard.

Look after yourself very well because those children and going to rely on you to help them unpick their situation. There is a really good group on facebook called Therapeutic Parenting, often traditional parenting techniques do not work for children who have been through this stuff x

[penny52]

donnab, Thank you, I am going to try the Therapeutic Parenting facebook site you mentioned, and I also have been reading some support sites about Grandparents who are in the parent position. There is a lot of us out, and any support is wonderful. My dd is still not diagnosed, she goes in today for assessment, I hope they have a plan going for her shortly. The oldest granddaughter I believe could benefit from some counseling too, so finger crossed she is next on the list. I'm just taking it one day at a time, and I hope your daughter finds herself one day, it is sad to watch them go through this, and I too have set very firm boundaries, I love her but it is all up to her now. The grandkids are first, they need love and support and I'm going to make sure they get it, you sound like you have that under control too , take care.