She managed to remain unpredictable until the end

[strong9]

After 3 years of a drawn out legal process spanning 2 continents, I am finally divorced from my uBPDxw (phew). The emotional freedom is indescribable. One thing I didn't expect is that the closure allowed me to revisit pleasant memories, which I avoided during the tense conflict.

Some know my ex has lived on another continent for most of that 3 year period, contesting an acrimonious divorce through her lawyers by proxy.

What surprised me is that by the end she walked away - after fighting about the kids visiting her and never conceding custody for 18 months, she fired her lawyers, relinquished all custody and waived all financial rights (marital assets and support). This follows 2 years of painting me mostly black and immature no contact and triangulation (hiding behind doors when I dropped the kids to see her on her visits and getting her family to communicate logistics with me). Towards the end she was contacting me with random emails about fond memories, or her longing for "a husband" (she wouldn't say she meant me though in other emails she dismissed the idea of a new relationship as "meh". Then she revealed she had been cutting herself the initial year after we separated.

Even at the end she kept me off balance with her sudden concession. Why waste years of money and energy to just walk away abruptly? And while I have stopped trying to figure her out, I am trying to understand what happened over the last 4 years during which she went from a doting wife and mother to an isolated hermit who focuses on work (her "fourth child" as she calls it). I'm wondering if anyone else has had experience with such abrupt behavior - of dropping conflict so suddenly and selflessly and a complete change in personality. Maybe I misunderstood her? If she was older, I'd say kt was textbook midlife. 

Then again, she has totally abandoned kids she used to once devote her life to. Maybe she just snapped 4 years ago instead of a life long BPD or other emotional trauma? Anyone with similar stories?

[eprogeny]

I'm wondering if anyone else has had experience with such abrupt behavior - of dropping conflict so suddenly and selflessly and a complete change in personality. Maybe I misunderstood her?

I haven't had near the experience you've just gone through, but I have had the experience of the abrupt night and day "I want it all" to "none of that matters to me".  In our case, my BPDexgf just dropped it all because she needed to be away from the turmoil and that was her only option.

[Mutt]

Hi strong9,

I'd feel confused too.

Towards the end she was contacting me with random emails about fond memories, or her longing for "a husband" (she wouldn't say she meant me though in other emails she dismissed the idea of a new relationship as "meh". Then she revealed she had been cutting herself the initial year after we separated.

Even at the end she kept me off balance with her sudden concession. Why waste years of money and energy to just walk away abruptly?

Feelings are quicksilver to a pwBPD and change rapidly. You were split black, she wants something from you, she wasn't direct with you, she's putting her feelers out, you're split white that's the unexpected change.

[strong9]

Thanks eprogeny and Mutt. It is highly confusing and as much as I have learned the past 3 years I still have to keep my guard up to avoid feeling empathy to the point of being the white knight again.

[iluminati]

My exwBPD does stuff like that all the time.  Recently, I had a situation where a stipulation in the divorce agreement kicked in where she had to pay me more child support.  As the original agreement would make it so that she would only have money for food, rent, transportation costs and nothing else, I decided to cut her a deal and compromise on the child support.  She agreed to it, then fought for a month to have it cut.  I simply held my ground and unemotionally brought up what we agreed to.  Once she realized that she couldn't manipulate her way out of the deal, she capitulated and stayed with the original agreement.

When dealing with people with BPD, you have to stick to your guns to the bitter end.  Any sign of compromise and weakness will be exploited until they get help.  It's an unhealthy way to live, but any other alternative leaves you ripe for abuse.