both sons with BPD and psychosis a long hard road

[Calm Waters]

I have not visited for a while, partly because there has been some progress and partly due to time pressure. My older son who attempted suicide nearly 2 years ago has been in a recovery unit for almost a year and has made some progress. He is on arapiprazol and anti depressants that seem to have helped him with his psychosis. In fact he has just started a college course and his driving licence has been reinstated. He has done significant damage to his body however having caudia
-equina syndrome, he broke his back when he fell from the fifth floor rendering him incontinent and with erectile problems, pretty crap for a 28 year old young man.

His younger brother had a psychotic episode almost a year ago and he is on olanzopine and anti depressants, there was a steady recovery but last Sunday he threatened both me and my wife with violence unless we gave him money so a major set back and one of the reasons I find myself back here needing to write about it. Both sons where in the same psychiatric unit just before Xmas last year and I am still trying to make sense of how this has happened to us, we used to be a happy little family when the kids where little but the last few years has taken a major toll on my health and to be honest i don't know how we keep going, neither do any of our friends or the many professional health practitioners that are trying to help us.

I am exhausted, demoralised, in pain with my rapidly advancing arthritis no doubt brought on by stress, angry to the point of rage, triggered by both of my sons due to my own BPD traits but somehow I get up, go to work, take the constant stream of stress and abuse in the hope that one day I will find some peace.

I anyone out there dealing with two BPD psychotic children or is it just me?

In the meantime my Dad with dementia and two cancers has gone in to a home and I am having to sell his house to pay for his care. My brother has been in remission from prostate and bone cancer - but that is now back, they have both been given 1 - 4 years to live. Thats after my wife's sister died of cancer 18 moths ago and my mum  3 years ago - its all such fun!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hello again Calm Water, welcome back friend 

I remember your story, and have been wondering how you are doing. Did your son's girlfriend stay in the picture? I know he was trying hard, and he was pushing her away.

Two sons with BPD, both experiencing psychosis, that on its own is a lot. Do you have thoughts about what triggered your son to threaten violence? Is he in contact with you at this point, or has he gone no contact?

I read in a book that BPD is like losing the genetic lottery, where many of the systems that function together can be easily thrown out of whack much more easily than neurotypical people. Our kids need more from the environment to help stabilize them than others might, and that can be exhausting for a family to create on its own. It takes many hands to make light work, as they say. I hope you have good support from friends and the health providers tending your family.

I don't have two BPD psychotic children, though I have a son with traits, and my SO has a bipolar II/BPD daughter who stayed with us for the summer. She did not have any psychosis while she was here, but the disassociation seemed nearly chronic and the cognitive distortions were severe to the point I wondered how she manages. She seemed to wear a costume at work and slip out of it every day once she returned home, and there were days all I could do was walk and try to find peace in my mind and heart, shoring up strength so I could return and walk a few more steps alongside her, in her pain and suffering.

Glad you came back and shared what you're going through.

LnL

[Naughty Nibbler]

HI Calm Waters:   

I'm so sorry about your sons.  That's a lot to handle.  The added health problems of your father and brother makes it a lot tougher.

Are you doing anything for yourself right now?  Are you getting some therapy or do you have friends who can offer you some support?  Got to have some tools for stress relief and coping.  A lot of people would be struggling with just a fraction of what you are dealing with.

Thoughts and prayers your way 

[Calm Waters]

Thanks both, yes i get a lot of support from my friends and my men's group, we also are getting support from the various professionals that are working with us although the NHS in uk is severely stretched in this area.

Latest is my younger son has been smoking crack cocaine and stole equipment off his brother to pay for it. He is going to the local drug rehabilitation centre today with his social worker to start the process of tackling his addictions, ( crack is just the latest). This came to a head at the weekend when a valuable painting was smashed by him and further violent demands for money or threatening suicide, self harm, criminality, damage to the house, all of which we have had to deal with in the past with his older brother who nearly died 2 years ago. He has been displaying signs of paranoia delusional thinking verging on psychosis again so very worrying!

[Calm Waters]

He stole my car and his brothers computer last night, he is not licenced to drive,he tried to sell both for drugs but failed and came home at 7am. we are now completely in crisis again with the him expressing feelings of suicidal ideation. I have been on the phone all morning trying to coordinate emergency help, It feels so unfair that i have to deal with this again so soon after my older sons near fatal suicide attempt not 2 years ago. God help us! and I am an atheist!

[Kwamina]

Hi Calm Waters,

I am very sorry you are dealing with such a difficult situation again.

It definitely would be way more pleasant if your son wasn't having these problems and behaving this way. Whether it is fair or not, whether it is pleasant or not, life is what it is and the best thing we can do is try to deal with life as best we can. This can be very challenging though when your child behaves this way.

It is very tough that you are now going through a situation with your youngest son similar to what you've experienced before with your oldest. As sad as unfortunate as things were back then, those experiences might actually help you now. You've been there before and the lessons learned through the years might prove crucial now as you try to get your son the help he needs. Do you perhaps feel that there are any particular lessons you've learned these last few years or particular insights that might help you deal with your youngest son's current behavior? Were there perhaps any strategies or tactics you've applied before that proved to be particularly effective in dealing with your sons?

I hope the situation with your son will soon stabilize

[Calm Waters]

Hi, so last night he stole my bank card and £130 was withdrawn from my account so I called the police to report the theft of money and my car. Then this morning he turned up at 7am and pretended he had some work, then we caught he leaving the house with more IT equipment that he was presumably going to sell! I called 999 a (911) and the Police came and interviewed us. I resisted the temptation to have him arrested - maybe I should have. The Police then took him to the local Rehabilitation Centre. I picked him up from there later and there was no sense of remorse or contrition, he simply blamed it all on me, his family, my brother, he says I abused him that I am a bad influence and that its all my fault that he's on drugs! His older brother is very fragile and is only just recovering from his suicide attempt and this is now hampering his ability to move on, the only help we can get is to pay for rehabilitation  - between £5k and 10k with no guarantees it will work, I am strong and purposeful, I am not imploding or irrational, I am trying to keep my narcissistic black and white thinking under control, but part of me want both of my children out of my life forever. MY BPD /NPD traits are in fact helping me deal with this extreme and chaotic mess I think.

[mggt]

Dear calm.  I have no advice but  just wanted to let you know god bless I have one BPD d and how you are handling this is amazing one moment at a time   

[Kwamina]

Hi again Calm Waters,

I too think you are doing a good job handling this very difficult situation.

the only help we can get is to pay for rehabilitation  - between £5k and 10k with no guarantees it will work, I am strong and purposeful, I am not imploding or irrational, I am trying to keep my narcissistic black and white thinking under control, but part of me want both of my children out of my life forever. MY BPD /NPD traits are in fact helping me deal with this extreme and chaotic mess I think.

It would be great if succes could be guaranteed. But even without that guarantee my advice would be to keep focusing on all the things you can do so you can maximize your chances of getting a positive result. You might not be able to control the result you get, but you can control what you do yourself in the process. Giving it all you got in this process, indeed one day at a time, trying to make the best decisions you can, in a way already is a very significant succes considering the difficult circumstances.

[Calm Waters]

Hi all, thanks for he supportive replies. So yesterday we had a family gathering to try and support my younger son.My older brother who is in great pain from bone cancer drove 100 miles with his girlfriend to spend time with him. I cooked a roast dinner, my older son was finally discharged from hospital after nearly 2 years, so it felt like a turning point for our family.

But... .

It had gone so well in the evening that my sons decided to go for a pint together and meet up with friends, it felt like a great success and around 9pm as my brother and his gf where getting ready to leave we got a phone call to say the younger one had disappeared from the pub! We have been very vigilant for the last week or so trying to detox him so I got in the car to go and search. Within 20 minutes he had turned up at home saying he decided to walk back, but I had a heads up from on of his friends that he may have bought ketamin.

We have a small caravan on a patch of land we own distant from the house and on returning I could see a car parked and some activity so I went to investigate. I know what the local dealer looks like and it was him that my son had invited back, he's the one that got my son hooked on crack so I confronted him, so did my wife and he ran off leaving his car. I then saw two more blokes running off but then they decide to come back, I screamed at them and they backed off and got in the car and drove off to pick up the dealer. In the meantime my younger son was trying to stop me getting in to a punch up with three young guys but I did have some back up. I had to punch my son in the face as he was effectively attacking me.

The idiots who had driven didn't realise that they had driven down a dead end with no turning space, so I had time to block the end of the road with my car and wait. I got everyone in the house and found my baseball bat and when the couldn't get out the end of the lane it smashed the windows through on the car and threatened to kill them, I think they got the message as they reversed off and tried another dead end, when they got back to me I let them pass but made it clear that I meant business and that I know where you live, which I do the main one. By this time the Police had been called and came and took statements and tried to make my son see that he was destroying us. My poor brother was distraught and crushed and by this time I was crying and raging in turns.

Despite all this very little contrition or remorse from my son and I am waiting to see how he is when he wakes today. I am on the phone trying to fast track him in to rehab but I know it will only work if he genuinely wants to clean up I await a discussion.

You all may think my actions where rash or even criminal, but the red mist just fell and I was in a hyper rage, these people are destroying my children and I will go to prison to protect them if I have to. After the best part of 10 years fighting drug induced mental illness in both my sons I am on the edge, there may be reprisals but I hope their wont be, time will tell - Not so Calm Waters

[mggt]

No judgement here Just be extra careful of yourself , I know the things we will do for our children but if you are physically hurt or in jail if will help no one .  I fully understand your rage and anger but ... .be very careful sending prayers and strength you are a wonderful father   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi calm waters

First of all I'd like to introduce myself to you. I've been active in the forum since December. My BPDs is 25 and was diagnosed sept 15. Hes had a long term problem with drugs - smoking weed at 11 and then progressing. His experimentation years we're 17 to 20 with cocaine, ketamine, Lsd etc. No heroine or crack cocaine. Codeine is a long term favourite, particularly neurofen and more recently diazepam. Weed has been his constant and when life becomes too challenging he reaches for those opioids.

I gave up on trying to get him to stop the drug taking. Everything I did failed and, what I found was, that I just made things worse. I went through an intense period of blaming the dealers - I know where four of them live (all nicely housed, the most successful driving a brand new VW). It's odd that I can live in this society and know that this particular dealer has a heavy cocaine habit and it's only a matter of time before he hits his own crisis and faces social services over his young child. What I'm trying to say is: I get your pain and anguish - totally.

I reached a point where I had to get my BPDs into rehab but couldn't afford it - my BPDs would have refused anyway. His  relationship with his drugs counsellor failed and he refused to go any longer. I did get him to agree to go to Tamkrabok in Thailand and he got off the subutex (prescribed by his drug counsellor) but within 6 weeks he was drinking (something he'd never really done) and that got him heavily into cocaine - he can't handle alcohol. It took 5 months to maneouvre him out of our house as I just couldn't throw him out.

Until a person is ready and wants (truly) to kick a habit then it'll be another failed attempt.  My son definitely isn't there yet and by allowing this situation to continue we stop his growth in this area. . He is currently not seeking treatment for BPD.

Until he reaches his lowest point, he never will and it's like we're in a period of us building up the courage to finally cut those apron strings. Our priority was to get him stable, get him working, get him to manage his money and then live independently.  We are doing ok.

My BPDs has three failed attempts at getting clean. I think on average it takes five.  We are currently enabling him by allowing him to live at home but he's working casually, paying rent and learning financial management skills, including managing his drug use. He has our support as long as he works on himself but it's not easy as progress isn't linear and he loses his way on this journey.  I'm determined to get him to live independently as we retire in 3 years.

I've no idea if this helps you or not but I wanted to share my story.

Is your eldest son going to live with you now? How is he now, following the latest crisis?  Is there structured support for him?

What does your youngest son say about rehab and are there any facilities that deal with the addiction and BPD together?

I'm assuming you're in England like me.

I'm so very sorry to read your posts and hear your pain. It sounds a very complicated situation and I can see how difficult it is to decide on your priorities, particularly with two sons.  What's you're own personal priority for yourself?