BPD daughter missing and now a crisis

[Slwinner]

I have not posted in a while. My 19 year old BPD daughter was missing for three months. Her father made contact with her and got her to agree to go to treatment. She's using heroin and needed to be detoxed. He got her into a detox treatment center and she was supposed to go to long term treatment after that. She ran from detox last week and went missing again.

She calls me today totally hysterical. Someone she was with overdosed and she called 911. Because she has violated probation from a previous arrest they put her in jail. She wanted me to bail her out.

I went to the bank and got the money. Went to the police station and was waiting for the paperwork. I called her court case manager. She told me not to bail her out and promised to work with the court to get her into treatment. We've done this before with her and so far treatment has not worked.

So I had to make a decision. I chose to leave her in jail. I had to call the jail to tell them and they put her on the phone. I do not have words to describe the pain she was in or the pain I felt leaving her there. I had to hang up on her. I sobbed all the way home.

She is so emotionally dysregulated at this point I do not know if I made the right decision. She also has bipolar disorder and when she went missing she went off all her meds. She will not get treatment in jail.

I don't have faith in the system. No one has treated the BPD. She's had private treatment paid for by insurance but that has not worked either. Our options are limited and I am at the mercy of the court system right now. Help is minimal and not appropriate for her needs.

She's tried to call me today and I have not answered. I am trying to protect myself and my son from her out of control behavior. I have set firm boundaries with her and now have to stick to them. She was clear that if she left treatment that I would not rescue her from a crisis.

I don't know what my next move should be. Begging for help from the court and county gets us nowhere.

God help us.

I am feeling really bad about leaving her in jail but I can't deal with her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Oh Slwinner,

I'm so sorry for the pain you must feel, my heart goes out to you. There is no right answer when a child puts herself at risk and needs to be rescued from her own actions. The hardest lesson I have learned is to let loved ones experience the pain of their own actions, because only then will they be able to decide when enough is enough. Every time I tried to prevent them from hitting bottom, I denied them the opportunity to see how much was too much. It is something that each person has to decide for himself or herself, and it is nothing short of agony to stand by and watch.

I am walking with you in your pain. You are not alone.

LnL

[wendydarling]

Swlinner my heart also goes out to you, I'm so sorry for the agonising distress and pain you are feeling, and your concern your daughter is so emotionally dysregulated with no help in jail.

LnL says 'The hardest lesson I have learned is to let loved ones experience the pain of their own actions, because only then will they be able to decide when enough is enough.' I relate with what LnL has learnt Swlinner, I learnt it too last May, broke my heart and fortunately turned my daughter's direction, she could bare the pain no longer and chose the path towards recovery... .

Hugs to you.   Is this the first time your daughter has experienced jail?

WDx

[Slwinner]

Thank you for the replies, support and prayers.

This is her third time in jail. She keeps calling me and I am sitting on my hands.

I want to let her really feel this because pain can create change. I say this with caution because of her mental illness. It's a fine line between tough love and pushing her over the edge. She does not deal well with stress and has been psychotic in the past. Because she's off all her meds anything can happen.

With her severe mental illness it's almost cruel to put her in jail but that's how the system is set up and I believe it does not really help someone with SMI to be incarcerated. Her crime is a probation violation stemming from a drug charge. She did not kill anyone.

I do have the option of bailing her out and bringing her home. But then what? We go back to the cycle of violence and destruction that she creates here. I can't do that to myself or her brother. And it's not healthy for her either. This is a home, not a treatment center. I am not equipped to take care of her no more than I would be equipped to take care of a very sick cancer patient.

I am trying to let some time pass and get some clarity around what should happen next. In the meantime I have a full time job, another child to raise and a little bit of a life.

I am sure she is freaking out. I have never not rescued her before. But continuing to do the same things over and over has not produced results. She's ran from ever treatment center she's been in.

So I am trying to stay calm and pray for guidance.

Peace.