Need help with my co-dependence

[landslide]

It's been a long time since I've written. I have an almost 17 y.o. daughter with BPD traits in addition to ADHD, PTSD, depression, anxiety... .her most dangerous and upsetting behavior is running away.  She went to a very short term RTC program (2months) which helped our relationship but of course couldn't address everything.  She came home and entered day treatment in August and has run away 4 times since then, most recently this week.  It never gets any easier when she runs.  I go through another cycle of hurt, anger, self doubt and can't sleep well.  Then she comes home, sorry and crying at first, but distant and irritable the next day.  I am on edge, scared she'll leave again, obsessing over the coping skills I don't see her using and way too focused on her, period.  I can't seem to emotional space from her.  I would love to hear how other people work through this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ArleighBurke]

Detaching is a very difficult skill.

She's your daughter and of course you want the best for her. You want to make sure that she is OK. You want to provide for her.

But at some point, EVERY parent-child relationship needs to morph to a peer/friend/support relationship instead. You need accept that as she gets older, you have less control of her life, and she needs to be accountable and responsible for her own life and her own decisions. That's part of growing up - for her AND you.

But I don't know how to do that! How do you watch someone floundering in their own life without trying to intervene - expecially if you are their parent?

Somehow - you need to detach. Accept that you can only lead a horse to water - you can't make them drink. And you can't help someone who doesn't want your help. Provide SUPPORT to her, but accept that SHE makes choices in her life - and they are HER choices not yours. Somehow, you have to let go... .

[Bright Day Mom]

Hi Landslide, though my D16 has never run, we have certainly been thru turmoil!  The cycle is vicious, exhausting and seems everlasting, but it doesn't have to be.  WE need to change it and WE can.  Just make 1 small change and see what happens, then another and so on.  Start doing something YOU enjoy doing that you've put on the back burner because all of your energy is going to your D.  For me it was running; I had stopped because I didn't make the time for it and was obsessed in learning everything there was to about all the dx my d was given. It consumed me. It took my husband insisting on going out to dinner and drinks (NO kids) to remind me of ME; and it felt good. 

Of course every parent wants to do all they can for their child, but we have to take care of ourselves so we can. 

We are all a work in progress, you are doing great!

[Lollypop]

Hi landslide

It's taken me a fair few years to get where I am today.  I've still some more to go!

Here are some things I did to help myself.

I got a counsellor so I wasn't spending my time with my friends just talking about my own problems.  Any time I spend with them now is much happier. Friends need to be nurtured.

I took a hard look at myself and realised I was so unhappy with a life that revolved around my BPDs. I told him I was getting help for myself and I was learning a new way to live my own life.  This helped in making him understand that things were going to change, and that change was starting with me.

I gave up full time work and went part time.  I took a two year course at my local college attending two days per week.  I realise that this isn't possible for everyone. This brought a structure to my "new" life and I've made new friends and found a purpose in my life. I absolutely loved my course.

I'm now taking a degree as a mature student. I'm demonstrating to my kids how to live a good life; that it's never too late to learn and develop ourselves.

I'm not a sporty person but this would be an ideal hobby if I was.

Basically, start living your own life!

Make a bucket list if this helps you. Even if it contained things like "I want to learn how to knit". 

Take care of yourself FIRST.  You'd be amazed that everything and everybody doesn't fall apart. I'm surprising myself and them.

Look outwards!

[landslide]

Thank you for giving me some ideas and understanding.  It is grounding amidst all this chaos! 

[livednlearned]

Living with and loving a child with BPD can trigger anxiety like nothing else. My T explained that anxiety is fear of future loss -- often we don't have control over it, and cannot truly fix whatever it is we fear losing.

I ended up taking a mindfulness class despite what felt like overwhelming anxiety and a mind racing hundreds of miles a minute. It has changed my life, and given me a compass I can use whenever I feel out of control with worry or stress.

When BPD D19 lived with us for the summer, I practically clung to it. Any time I felt myself getting pulled into her world, I used mindfulness to plant my feet firmly back in mine.

You can still do the things you do to help her regulate her emotions (validation, SET, boundaries, keeping her safe, helping her feel adequate and competent, etc.). You can also stay grounded while doing these things.

There may also be something going on when she returns. She goes from crying and apologetic to distant and irritable. I wonder if you can retrace your steps to see if there is an opportunity to ask validating questions and get her to piece together her moods and behaviors so she can be more accountable for her behaviors.