A few answered questions

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I read a few of the posts on here when I start getting that 'maybe it will be different for me' feeling and it helps me realise that ... .no it won't be.

However, my problems are within my own head: how do I get the thought of the ex out of my head? It seems to be quite consuming these days and it's frustrating me that I don't feel like I have a moment to myself.

How do I motivate myself for the purpose of supporting myself, rather than trying to prove to the ex I don't need them?

I'd like to be able to improve myself for my own sake but I don't seem to be having much luck with that mentality - any advice? Or stories (successful ones!)

[Cleanglass]

I read a few of the posts on here when I start getting that 'maybe it will be different for me' feeling and it helps me realise that ... .no it won't be.

However, my problems are within my own head: how do I get the thought of the ex out of my head? It seems to be quite consuming these days and it's frustrating me that I don't feel like I have a moment to myself.

How do I motivate myself for the purpose of supporting myself, rather than trying to prove to the ex I don't need them?

I'd like to be able to improve myself for my own sake but I don't seem to be having much luck with that mentality - any advice? Or stories (successful ones!)

[elfyguy]

Hey Cleanglass,
 
I went through the 5 stages of grieving, and some more weirdness because she's a borderline. In the beginning, I was first in denial, actually for quite a while.
When the thought of her couldn't leave my head I let myself cry - a lot - like, really loudly too. Eventually, you get to the negotiation stage(maybe you have already) which is probably the hardest.

When my ex and I broke up I kept on thinking of stuff she said to me. Like, "she doesn't want to be with me right now" or "it's just time apart." I thought that, in some way, this was her intricate plan to somehow make me change so we could get back together or help me in some way. Well, nope, it's not.

Why are you trying to prove to your ex that you don't need them? Is it because you still want her back?

[VitaminC]

How do I motivate myself for the purpose of supporting myself, rather than trying to prove to the ex I don't need them?

I'd like to be able to improve myself for my own sake but I don't seem to be having much luck with that mentality - any advice? Or stories (successful ones!)

Hi Cleanglass,

That's a really good question you've asked there. It's kind of the nub of the issue, at least where my own relationship was concerned.

Switching my focus from the relationship to myself took me a couple of months. The grindingly hard or deeply interesting (depending on perspective) times that followed helped me to realise more clearly that I have a pretty hard time doing things just for my own benefit.

It took me a long time to end the relationship. I had to think a long time (probably a year, including the 5 months since I ended it) on the reasons that I got and stayed involved in the first place. Realising that the relationship filled a lot of needs, some of which I was not clearly aware of and resisted confronting, helped me to break the link in my head.

The first couple of months of NC served the purpose they are meant to - getting the pwBPD out of my daily life and all the connections that creates. It took me another couple of months to start taking myself and my own needs and processes seriously enough to devote time and effort to them for my own sake.

I'm not saying it will take any specific amount of time - everyone is different.

In the short term I tried to go through whatever sadness / withdrawal I was feeling. This gradually lessened. Then I tried to be very aware and appreciative of other activities or friends that I enjoyed and get as much mileage out of that as I could. I kept busy(ish), read and posted a lot here, tried to make gentle plans for the weeks and months coming and give myself things to look forward to. I tried to change routines and re-instate any old ones that I had enjoyed and let slip.   

Journalling the processes, and making little stars next to anything you consider a success, no matter how small, can help you to keep track.

What are you doing to enjoy yourself and take care of yourself these days? Is there a new thing you could try? A course or some kind of group that meets regularly - book club, walking or running club, pottery or photography or a new language? Anything that seems kind of interesting that you've thought of doing before, even when you were very young?

[Cleanglass]

I think in the beginning we all have trouble letting go. The logical side of me knows to tear away but the spazzy subconscious is struggling with that concept. Part of me thinks that if I improve and become stronger then in the future we could be happy - I hate this thought, for the record. It's this lingering thought that is doing my head in.

I think I'm on the right path with actively trying to get into my own stuff and self-motivation. The first couple of months being more about detaching than getting rid of the memories makes sense. I haven't seen or heard it said like that but I feel that's a accurate description, not often emphasised.

I'm keeping a journal atm but not so sure I'm ready to re-read and star things quite yet.

As far as courses go, I'm trying to teach myself digital drawing/painting atm for a private hobby (I'm a bit introverted) and I've been looking for life drawing courses but it clashes with my new job. MY new job is only temp until january so perhaps I can wait until then for that. There are other 'meetup' groups that artistic that I want to try.

I feel like whenever something is going well, my ex's face slaps into my mind and does a little 'in your face' dance. If I keep pushing against it, will it go away or will it get worse?

[VitaminC]

If you are asking for an opinion, then mine would have to be that it will go away.
Most things do, eventually, given enough time and experiences that break up that time.

"Part of me thinks that if I improve and become stronger then in the future we could be happy - I hate this thought, for the record. It's this lingering thought that is doing my head in."

I get this. From my point of view, there are a couple of ways to deal with this:

1) learn about the disorder, from other members' stories here and from the clinical resources we have.

2) continue to work on yourself and learn to define what you mean by "happy". I think this is the harder job - it was for me anyway.  The more I see how much I want and need, the more I realise that i) I've a lot of work to do to get to a place where I feel ok enough in myself to be in the kind of relationship I imagine would make me happy and ii) that my exBPD would, realistically, never be my equal. I would always be taking care of him and having to be the adult.  I don't want that. I want two adults, who can both be kids at times, but support each other through that and arrive at adulthood and spend most of their time there.

What do you think?

[Cleanglass]

Continue to work on yourself and learn to define what you mean by "happy". I think this is the harder job - it was for me anyway.  The more I see how much I want and need, the more I realise that i) I've a lot of work to do to get to a place where I feel ok enough in myself to be in the kind of relationship I imagine would make me happy and ii) that my exBPD would, realistically, never be my equal. I would always be taking care of him and having to be the adult.  I don't want that. I want two adults, who can both be kids at times, but support each other through that and arrive at adulthood and spend most of their time there.

What do you think?

I think this is the best advice I've read on this website. Thank you for that. I never even considered what I thought it meant to be happy. I keep struggling between wanting to be independent and also wanting a new relationship some day and not quite sure how to find the inbetween area, but you've completely summed it up for me.

Another question, since you're so wise!: How do you let go of wanting save someone without feeling heartless? I mean I know there's a hundred and one reasons to focus on yourself and let them go but realistically, I guess my actual question is how do you get past failing to save them? I understand the facts of why it's not down to me etc. but I still have this lingering thought.

[VitaminC]

ha, it's not that often I get called "wise". 

I know what you mean about the strong urge to save people. It's what a lot of us who end up with pwBPD have in us. It's a lovely quality - the desire to help and be useful and supportive and kind and all those good things.

It can get a bit out of control, though. It's a desire to take care of someone that can result in us taking on more responsibility for another than ourselves, and sometimes more than is good for them, ultimately.

I often look at parents of young children as a way to help me understand this. I had to keep re-understanding this for years before I finally got it! Just today I was chatting with a friend who was putting her child into playschool for the first time. A bolshy, precocious little girl who couldn't wait to go, but when it came time to go and play and for her mom to leave for the day, got really distressed.  Then she started asking in the evenings what would happen if she was sick the next day, would she still have to go.  The mom laughed compassionately while she was telling me the story. She reassured the child, reminded her of the fun games she'd get to play, told her she'd be back after they had lunch in the playschool, and would call on the phone for two minutes mid-morning. Then the child got really focussed on when lunch would be and kept pestering the staff about this

By the end of the first week, she was getting the hang of the routine and relaxed into knowing she would get picked up and then get to do something fun with her mom before going home.

Sorry if that seems like a lame story, but it struck me when we were talking, how what we do for children, as good parents, is what we do for our friends and our partners. Reassure them, be honest with them, keep our promises, but keep the focus on enabling them to become more independent. To teach them that they can do the things that seem scary.

Imagine if that mom caved in and couldn't deal with the guilt of making her child feel abandoned and sad. It wouldn't be fair to the kid. The mom might have a few moments of feeling heartless, but she knows that she's making a necessary choice to feel that way and that her child is going to be better because of it.

Have you read the info on co-dependency here? https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

I found this pretty useful myelf, I have to say.

Have a look and let us know what you think?

[Cleanglass]

Actually that was an excellent way of putting it. I mean it makes sense because they have the emotional maturity of a child, but the way the relationship works ('works' might be a strong word) is very much like parenting. I think it stops working and gets frustrating for us nons when we stop helping them grow independently and start caving in and doing everything for them.

What was weird is that I use to be quite happy on my own, which I have returned to. I can quite happily sit and watch tv etc. by myself. So it was very strange for me when I broke up with my partner and had this overwhelming urge to not be alone. I realise now, thanks to you, that it was because like your example, I stopped having my own space with the promise of returning and started letting him come everywhere with me etc.

Thanks. That was enlightening. I've been reading a lot about codependancy and whilst some of it is sinking it slowly, I do feel I trip every now and then and finding I want my partner back. Is it compassionate to cut them out of your life? Is there an inbetween where everyone can be happy but seperate?