Ideas for dealing with BPD's son

[NorthernGirl]

SS22's mother is very likely BPD. SS22 has many challenges - he has comprehension issues, is about 13 years old in terms of his maturity, has significant anxiety and overall is very naive. Most days he can be a lovely charming young man, especially when not around his mom. She has been out of the picture lately but is returning soon.

Although SS22 doesn't have BPD, I am thinking some of you may have some tips and ideas for dealing with him. DH has sole guardianship of SS22. His ex took him to court last year as she wanted sole guardianship but the courts ruled against her - many of her BPD traits came out at the hearing.

It has difficult for SS22 to implement boundaries with his mom - he feels sorry for her and believes her lies. SS22 has a counsellor who is aware of his mom's likely BPD but does not seem to have experience dealing with the disorder.

Here are some of the behaviours I see that I would like to get ideas on.
* blaming/negative attitude - SS22 is often negative (at home but not usually at work or with others). He will share his mom's negative views on many topics - and gets upset if we disagree (sees us as disagreeing with her, not her ideas). When he is in a negative mood, he is very difficult to be around.
* argumentative - especially after talking or visiting with his mom, SS22 seems ready to battle. He is especially anxious, which we have techniques to help him with but mostly he just wants to argue. He points out some fault about DH, me, our home, the food, etc.
* manipulating - SS22 will tell DH and I parts of the truth to try to get his own way. Many times his lies will involve his mom - covering for her or following through on something she has told him to do.
* lying - SS22 was a horrible liar, so for years it was easy to pick up on his lies. But he has learned to get better and is encouraged to do that by his mom. We have applied consequences for years when we catch him lying but he may have been rewarded by his mom for lying (if it hurt us) at the same time. He gets very little love and affection from his mom, so if he is rewarded by her when he does something that hurts us, he is conflicted.

DH struggles knowing how much to discipline his son. He doesn't always see the upsides of discipline - sees it more as punishment. He doesn't know how much to discipline him now that he is an adult (which SS22 remind him). And DH feels very guilty about all that SS22 goes through.

I think some of these are traits parents of a teenage son/daughter with BPD would have seen so am hoping you may have some ideas of what might work. Thanks!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi NorthernGirl 

I'm off to bed shortly. You poise many good questions and I will sleep on that and come back to you.
Meanwhile, are you receiving local counselling support, as you are dealing with a lot, on your plate?

WDx

[NorthernGirl]

Thanks for your note wendydarling. My husband and I do have counselling - unfortunately we have been at this a long time!  I am working at being more mindful and less reactionary. SS22 comes back from his mom's and when he complains or argues I hear her words. He came yesterday from her condo and complained about how he is in the basement at our house, and we reminded him he has his own space and it is the coolest and quietest place in the house.

 I have a ways to go but I am getting better at just hearing him out and not reacting to the complaining, lying or manipulating.

If anyone has some suggestions, I would appreciate them!

[wendydarling]

Hi NorthernGirl

Good to hear back from you NG. I'm sorry for what you are dealing with and glad you found us, you are not alone. As you say you have been at this a long time. 

You say your SS22 mother is likely BPD, and from what you describe your SS has challenges too, is he getting help too?

Being conversant with BPD traits, are you familiar with the tools and lessons to the right of the screen that help us better communicate with our BPD - learning and practising has helped me support my 28yr daughter in recovery. Have you read wider about BPD... .too many Q's from me!

WDx

[Panda39]

I wonder if you could do something with SS during the transition from mom to you.  Maybe pick him up and run some errands.  Put something in the transition that makes it more gradual for SS and takes the focus off of mom and you guys.  I know you probably can't do something like this every time but it might help sometimes.

Stop at the library, the grocery store, pick up some take out, go to the movies, stop to buy socks... .... .anything that creates a buffer.

Sorry to hear SS is struggling.
Hang in there,
Panda39

[NorthernGirl]

Thanks for the suggestion Panda39. We have found transitions to be tough in the past so now he usually comes here from work. We have tried to ensure his mom doesn't drop him off as that is usually very hard on him. He used to come in the door and spew out all the things his mom would say - standing just inside the door - sometimes for 1/2 hour. So DH picks him up or he comes directly from work most days.

SS22 has development delays, anxiety and has very high highs and low lows. If he's tired or hungry, he can be rude, argumentative and manipulative. Give him some food or after he has had a good night sleep and he can be over the top - yelling, joking around, wanting constant attention. He can be exhausting. I've learned to take breaks. When his mom isn't around his behaviour is much much better.

I''ve been around bpdfamily for years so am familiar with the lessons. It's probably a good reminder to validate the valid with SS22 and to keep working at not reacting. SS22 doesn't have BPD but he often speaks for his mom - defending her, trying to pass along her messages to us. I need to learn to stay in the moment and focus on SS22 instead of thinking about what his mom has done to result in his behaviour.

I am a work in progress when it comes to this with SS22!