Advice needed. D 23 years with BPD balancing independence while living at home

[Rlsmith2]

I could sure use some advice. My daughter 23 with BPD has been doing well (going to grad school) but, I'm really struggling with giving her space and independence. She took my advice to stay at friends house last night so she wouldn't be on the roads late at night the wrong way. Ugh! Now she won't answer my texts and probably not her phone after I called her and I told her she needed to at least update me periodically.  How do you balance giving them their independence, maintaining a relationship and still having a safety net? I just worry that if I don't hear from her that something has happened. She's living at home so, I don't think it's unreasonable to ask her plans and when I can expect her home.

Thanks so much!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

The balancing is tough. My SO's D19 can regress to toddler-type emotions and then turn around and need confirmation that she's a big girl ready for adult responsibilities. I feel like I have to do double-duty trying to figure out what age or self she is in any given moment and adjust my communication accordingly.

How does she respond when you present things as choices? When I find a phrase that works, it's usually pretty clear and I tend to seize on it. D19 is very responsive when I say, What are your thoughts about _______? She feels I'm recognizing her competence, and I get to bring something to her attention that maybe she was overlooking.

About wanting to know plans and when to expect her home... .that's a tough one. Maybe rephrase it as, "I know you're going to be fine, and will let me know if your plans change or if you need me to ________." I actually learned this one watching SO inadvertently undermine D19 by insisting she text him every time she went out. The more he treated her like she wasn't capable, the more D19 acted that way. She tends to be very responsive to suggestions that she is capable and competent.

[wendydarling]

Hi Rlsmith2

Glad to hear you girl is doing well. I agree with you it is reasonable to be kept informed especially when they may be at risk and as LNL says how we communicate to gain the joint agreement.

Has your daughter recently returned home from grad school ie been independent and you are now finding your way together? Wondering if you were you expecting a text before you retired or one in the morning - was an agreement in place?

When my daughter was in her younger years 16-23 (now 28  ) we entered an agreement like you have to keep safe, stay over with trusted friends, our agreement included DD would text when she was in their home and retiring, even if I was asleep, it was 2am - she always did, in the later years she texted in the morning to say all ok - staying for breakfast and meeting up to walk with friends see you at dinner time etc! The agreement was elastic in the sense she gave herself more freedom, responsibility and independence and me too - which we respected - built on mutual, trust and respect. I recognise that does not always work in all situations.

I hope your daughter is home and safe, why do you think she did not respond to you?

WDx
PS - she still texts me today to say she is safe - it's routine (apart from when she was in her first year of crisis last year - bong) overall 9 out of 10.