15 year old child with fresh BPD dx

[psychomia]

I'm exhausted. it's been a horrible fight to get this far, because my kid is not only struggling mentally but is physically very ill as well, and hasn't been able to attend school so I'm constantly trying to keep authorities at bay. 2 months ago my child was finally dx'd with BPD, social anxiety and just missed getting a PTSD dx as well. we have a horribly trauma-filled background. we were both terrorized by their father and brother for years. my son has made a good turnaround, but as he got better I fell very ill, and my BPD child disintegrated completely. they just couldn't hold it together anymore. now as I'm recovering I'm seeing how horribly delicate they are in many ways.

they're safe for now. they are making a concerted effort not to commit suicide because of how scared they were that I would die, and they recognize how devastating their death would be to me.

it just pains me horribly to see them suffer as they do, and I blame myself sometimes because I could not protect them from their father and brother. it just kills me inside.

I've been seeing a therapist myself, and have been for many years. I finally convinced my child to see one, and just when the relationship was built up to where I felt like it could benefit my kid, the therapist left the group for private practice, and my child doesn't want to see anyone else. the therapist I've been seeing hasn't felt like a good fit for me, and I was only seeing him because my therapist who I'd seen for years and who helped me through prolonged exposure therapy for my PTSD had move to another area. so today I cancelled all future appointments. I hate feeling like I'm spinning my wheels in therapy.

I feel like I need to attend a support group for family of BPD. I don't know how to find a support group, and my girlfriend who has BPD attends a DBT group but is struggling with a post-divorce custody fight, so although she's as supportive as she can be I don't want to burden her with helping me find a group to attend.

so, gosh, yeah... .I guess I'm hoping to find out how to find a support group, and is that a good way to get the help I need to parent effectively and not lose my mind, because I worry about this child. they're brilliant and they used to be so capable, and now they're so full of self-doubt and self-loathing that I can't bear it. I need to be able to handle things in a way that I can get them into a treatment program, if I can find one. my girlfriend is trying to help with that by speaking openly and positively about DBT, which I appreciate. I don't have a clue what other modalities there are.

thanks for reading my ramble, if you got this far.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Bright Day Mom]

I can hear your exhaustion in your writing; I've been there!  Actually many of us BPD Fam more than likely have felt overwhelming exhausted at one point or another, you are in good company!

My D16 too was dx w/BPD and it's been quite the battle (won't go into much about us now).

If you are in the US, you may find further assistance with your local NAMI office, google search your local chapter and reach out.  They have been helpful in guidance as well as this BPD site.  All the lessons and tools to the right take lots of practice,but have helped our family tremendously in terms of communication and lessening the day-to-day battles.

Try not to blame yourself for the past goings-on as you can't change it; however, you can change the future. 

So far as your child being unable to attend school, contact the school counselor and discuss what's going on if you haven't done so already.  Request an IEP (Individual Education Plan) evaluation be conducted.  Its always good to follow-up conversations with emails confirming the discussion and making the request in writing.  There are laws protecting our children as each child in the US is entitled to a "free and appropriate" education.  Given the recent dx, your child may not be able to be educated in the current school's environment and further accommodations / programs may have to be explored. 

There are a lot of ins/outs, try not to let it become too overwhelming, one step at a time. 

[psychomia]

I can hear your exhaustion in your writing; I've been there!  Actually many of us BPD Fam more than likely have felt overwhelming exhausted at one point or another, you are in good company!

My D16 too was dx w/BPD and it's been quite the battle (won't go into much about us now).

If you are in the US, you may find further assistance with your local NAMI office, google search your local chapter and reach out.  They have been helpful in guidance as well as this BPD site.  All the lessons and tools to the right take lots of practice,but have helped our family tremendously in terms of communication and lessening the day-to-day battles.

Try not to blame yourself for the past goings-on as you can't change it; however, you can change the future. 

So far as your child being unable to attend school, contact the school counselor and discuss what's going on if you haven't done so already.  Request an IEP (Individual Education Plan) evaluation be conducted.  Its always good to follow-up conversations with emails confirming the discussion and making the request in writing.  There are laws protecting our children as each child in the US is entitled to a "free and appropriate" education.  Given the recent dx, your child may not be able to be educated in the current school's environment and further accommodations / programs may have to be explored. 

There are a lot of ins/outs, try not to let it become too overwhelming, one step at a time. 

thanks for the suggestion on NAMI. I didn't even think of them, but they were very helpful to us when my son was struggling.

both my kids had IEPs and the system failed both of them. for some reason, accommodations are really limited where I am and they don't seem to be able to deal with kids who have sensory processing issues, which are a big deal for both of mine. I got really tired of that fight and gave up.

[Bright Day Mom]

I hear you in terms as the school system, but often times you have to fight fire with fire.  After all, special accommodations often come with hefty price tags.  We had to hire an attorney because our district was dragging their feet, stringing us a long with no progress.  It was the best 7K I've spent; D now attends a therapeutic high school @55K/yr and is doing really well.   If your district isn't equipped to provide your children with the tools they need to be the best than can, they are required to outsource (whether to another district, or special /therapeutic school).  If an IEP initially seems ineffective, you can request a meeting to revisit lack of progress and start discussing other options.  NAMI may be able to put you in contact with a parent advocate who can assist you in dealing with the district, the IEP meeting process, etc.  You may also consider consulting an educational attorney (generally the consult is free) and get their feedback.