Possible conversation w/ kids if Mom drops hints...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey all, I'm still alive -- just been gone from the boards for a while. I posted some updates on Legal -- short story is it looks like we're going to court next week.

Part of what the kids' mom is alleging in her latest legal response is that DH was fired from a job a few years ago for sexual harassment. Short story on that is that an allegation was made against him by a disgruntled employee, but because where he was working was so corporate, they had to investigate and, because he had made a joke around this employee that could be seen as offensive, it went on his record. Which I'd though was private. But whatever. Anyway, he wasn't fired, he quit, on the recommendation of his (female) manager who had his back the whole way through and cried when he quit.

So, because Mom has put this in her latest response, and because she has poor boundaries with the kids, I'm worried that she's going to "accidentally" let it slip around the kids that ":)H sexually harassed someone". The kids are 8 & 10 and they are in counseling (which is good).

How would we go about most sensitively addressing the kids' concerns if they bring up "Mom says you sexually harassed someone" or if they ask what it means? There is a sense in which it is in fact on DH's employment record with Large Company that this happened. But it happened because a corporation was covering its butt and there wasn't enough to show that the employee was retaliating against DH.

Anyway, I guess I'm afraid Mom will be like "I never TOLD the kids you MIGHT HAVE done that" even though, through her lack of boundaries, she might complain loudly about it at her house with the kids around. And I'm afraid of the kids hearing this sort of stuff about DH and then DH having to have that discussion with them.

I guess the best I can think of is if either of them brings it up, asking "Why do you ask that?" or "Why are you thinking of that?" first. Then maybe asking ":)o you think it's true" although that might not be helpful. I really don't want to have to figure out how to explain sexual harassment to grade schoolers, but if you guys can help us think of an age-appropriate way that would be helpful. Thanks in advance. I know this is a place where I can ask these questions and you understand.

[kells76]

Hey all, I'm still alive -- just been gone from the boards for a while. I posted some updates on Legal -- short story is it looks like we're going to court next week.

Part of what the kids' mom is alleging in her latest legal response is that DH was fired from a job a few years ago for sexual harassment. Short story on that is that an allegation was made against him by a disgruntled employee, but because where he was working was so corporate, they had to investigate and, because he had made a joke around this employee that could be seen as offensive, it went on his record. Which I'd though was private. But whatever. Anyway, he wasn't fired, he quit, on the recommendation of his (female) manager who had his back the whole way through and cried when he quit.

So, because Mom has put this in her latest response, and because she has poor boundaries with the kids, I'm worried that she's going to "accidentally" let it slip around the kids that ":)H sexually harassed someone". The kids are 8 & 10 and they are in counseling (which is good).

How would we go about most sensitively addressing the kids' concerns if they bring up "Mom says you sexually harassed someone" or if they ask what it means? There is a sense in which it is in fact on DH's employment record with Large Company that this happened. But it happened because a corporation was covering its butt and there wasn't enough to show that the employee was retaliating against DH.

Anyway, I guess I'm afraid Mom will be like "I never TOLD the kids you MIGHT HAVE done that" even though, through her lack of boundaries, she might complain loudly about it at her house with the kids around. And I'm afraid of the kids hearing this sort of stuff about DH and then DH having to have that discussion with them.

I guess the best I can think of is if either of them brings it up, asking "Why do you ask that?" or "Why are you thinking of that?" first. Then maybe asking ":)o you think it's true" although that might not be helpful. I really don't want to have to figure out how to explain sexual harassment to grade schoolers, but if you guys can help us think of an age-appropriate way that would be helpful. Thanks in advance. I know this is a place where I can ask these questions and you understand.

[kells76]

Haven't heard anything yet about this from the kids. It did settle before trial (update on Legal) so maybe that's why Mom held it together. This is still a live question for me, though, so any tips are appreciated.

[Thunderstruck]

I don't think that you would necessarily need to wait for the kids to bring it up. This could probably be brought up in a couple of different conversations. I don't know that I would speak to both of them at the same time though. At 8 SD thought that babies were made by swallowing a baby seed. At 10 she knew all about the physical parts of sexual development and the pregnancy cycle and was just starting to learn about sexual relationships.

My SD11 says I have a lot of long boring talks with her.  But I have been trying to be upfront and honest with her about relationship issues (both friendship and boy/girlfriend issues). So one thing I would talk to her about is rumors. If someone says something you can't automatically believe it to be true. You should ask the person directly. (SD11 just went into middle school so this was a big topic). I believe we've also had a separate talk about the seriousness of making accusations that are untrue (DH was accused of sexually abusing SD so we have spoken to her about false accusations that can lead to very serious consequences like daddy ending up in jail and all the time wasted for the police and CPS to investigate a false accusation when children who are truly being abused are not getting attention). I would definitely stress that an accusation of sexual inappropriateness is a very serious accusation and should not be made lightly or used as a weapon.

And, since SD is at that age, I would have a conversation with her about inappropriate sexual advances or comments. We haven't quite gotten that far but with Trump in the news it is something we should discuss soon.