Why I am even allowing him back into my life, I don't understand myself

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So after being discarded for three months, he sent me the text message I mentioned in my last topic.

I didn't have an intention of responding.   But after receiving his text message, my emotions were all over the place, so much confusion.

Then without thinking, last week one night as I was going to bed, I felt so upset and I typed out a response of how it felt being discarded and thrown away, suddenly without any explanation.

I can honestly say I was not sending my response, expecting an outcome, I just did it because I needed to express my feelings that I bottled in.

Within two minutes he had texted me back, asking to see me.

I was in such an emotional state, angry, sad, confused... .that I said ok.

He came over and we spent the night together.  I told him I would not be able to go back into a relationship with him because of how he treated me.

I told him I was also seeing another person, although only in the early stages and not exclusive.  He has been so sorry.

He has and is still saying all the right words, how much he regrets his actions.  Yet, I still can't make sense of why he did discard me.  So how can I ever have trust again... .every time he leaves or doesn't call or text, then how do I know that I will ever hear from him again?... .

He denies that there was a better option at the time he walked away and never contacted me again, after 4.5 years.  I just can't believe that, I told him that, it doesn't make sense... .  he still denies this, but i still don't believe that.  He wouldn't have stayed away this long if he was on his own.  I believe he had someone else, and for whatever reason, it isn't or hasn't worked out and now he has come back to me.  That thought really hurts me.

The hardest part of all this was letting my daughter know that I had responded to him.  She does not know that I have now spent three nights with him this week.  She is so upset with my setback. 

I don't even know what I'm doing.  I'm playing with fire again.

I don't think I could ever get my trust back with him, but I still crave him. 

I'm trying to sort out my feelings and what I want and why I have even allowed him back into my life on any level, after how he has treated me. 

I wanted closure, 3 months ago, I craved hearing from him, back then I just needed to understand why he left me.  I had got to a place where I was doing pretty good and starting to feel more stable.  I was healing.

I feel consumed with him again, taking over my mind.  I wonder if I am trying to find the answer, or the closure that I desperately wanted.  Is that why I keep questioning him?  I'm looking for the key, why he left without warning... .I just can't understand what I want here, because I know I can't go back to him, but I can't say no to him.

He is in damage control at the moment and saying everything I need to hear.  I wish I could believe him again.  He sounds so sincere expressing his feelings to me.  I have only dipped a couple of toes in at this stage, I think I'm just looking for answers within myself.

[DreamerGirl]

So after being discarded for three months, he sent me the text message I mentioned in my last topic.

I didn't have an intention of responding.   But after receiving his text message, my emotions were all over the place, so much confusion.

Then without thinking, last week one night as I was going to bed, I felt so upset and I typed out a response of how it felt being discarded and thrown away, suddenly without any explanation.

I can honestly say I was not sending my response, expecting an outcome, I just did it because I needed to express my feelings that I bottled in.

Within two minutes he had texted me back, asking to see me.

I was in such an emotional state, angry, sad, confused... .that I said ok.

He came over and we spent the night together.  I told him I would not be able to go back into a relationship with him because of how he treated me.

I told him I was also seeing another person, although only in the early stages and not exclusive.  He has been so sorry.

He has and is still saying all the right words, how much he regrets his actions.  Yet, I still can't make sense of why he did discard me.  So how can I ever have trust again... .every time he leaves or doesn't call or text, then how do I know that I will ever hear from him again?... .

He denies that there was a better option at the time he walked away and never contacted me again, after 4.5 years.  I just can't believe that, I told him that, it doesn't make sense... .  he still denies this, but i still don't believe that.  He wouldn't have stayed away this long if he was on his own.  I believe he had someone else, and for whatever reason, it isn't or hasn't worked out and now he has come back to me.  That thought really hurts me.

The hardest part of all this was letting my daughter know that I had responded to him.  She does not know that I have now spent three nights with him this week.  She is so upset with my setback. 

I don't even know what I'm doing.  I'm playing with fire again.

I don't think I could ever get my trust back with him, but I still crave him. 

I'm trying to sort out my feelings and what I want and why I have even allowed him back into my life on any level, after how he has treated me. 

I wanted closure, 3 months ago, I craved hearing from him, back then I just needed to understand why he left me.  I had got to a place where I was doing pretty good and starting to feel more stable.  I was healing.

I feel consumed with him again, taking over my mind.  I wonder if I am trying to find the answer, or the closure that I desperately wanted.  Is that why I keep questioning him?  I'm looking for the key, why he left without warning... .I just can't understand what I want here, because I know I can't go back to him, but I can't say no to him.

He is in damage control at the moment and saying everything I need to hear.  I wish I could believe him again.  He sounds so sincere expressing his feelings to me.  I have only dipped a couple of toes in at this stage, I think I'm just looking for answers within myself.

[C.Stein]

I don't even know what I'm doing.  I'm playing with fire again.

I don't think I could ever get my trust back with him, but I still crave him.

These two statements really stand out here.

I asked my ex during the second discard how many times did I have to burn my hand in the fire before there was nothing left to burn?  How many times do you?

I also questioned the whole trust issue ... .and without trust there really is nothing.  This is not something you should take lightly.  If you cannot find a way to trust him again then where is a relationship with him going to take you?

My advise to you is this.  If you decide to continue interacting with him take sex off the table, at a minimum.  Sex only clouds your mind and judgment.  No more nights together either.  This will help you clear your head and determine what exactly it is you want from this ... .and it will help you determine what he really wants from this.

[Pretty Woman]

It sounds like I am reading my own diary.

Don't beat yourself up. This is a process. Detaching from a co dependency is a process.

Mine came back and I ended up cheating on the person I was dating. Not my finest moment. As soon as that happened I was dumped by the BPD.

Be very careful. I made a horrible mistake I couldn't take back and it wasn't fair to this good person who wasn't my lying, cheating dishonest ex.

[DreamerGirl]

Thanks  C.Stein and Pretty Woman,

The day after my last post, as I was trying to deal with this, my mother died suddenly and in a horrible accident.

The last three days have been surreal.

I'm planning my Mum's funeral with my two sisters.

He has been the knight in shining armour.  He has not left my side, every night.  He has cooked for me and taken over each night. 

I have felt grateful to have him but I don't feel the love anymore.  I still know, even though I'm grieving and feeling in shock, that he is not good for me.

My family are horrified he is in my life again.

Such a hard place to be in right now. 

I saw my psychologist today and she will hopefully be able to help me not fall back into the trap whilst I'm going through this. 

Life really does throw us curveballs.  I'm not feeling very strong at the moment and my thoughts are confused, but I'm still aware that he is not my future. 

Why I am even allowing him back into my life, I don't understand myself.  He hasn't changed. 

[VitaminC]

I am so sorry to hear about the death of your mother, DreamerGirl. I can't truthfully say I can imagine the pain you must be in.

You are very vulnerable right now. Shaken to the core, I would think, and need to nurture yourself and rest.

It's good that even in the midst of all this sadness and shock, you are able to see that this relationship will not serve you well. Try to maintain the focus on protecting yourself. Seeing a psychologist will help to give you a sense of how important your own self is right now. It's good that you are managing a bit of self care at this time.

Hang in there and come back to us here whenever you need or want to. 

[Larmoyant]

DreamerGirl, please accept my sincerest condolences for the loss of your mother. I truly feel for you and you must be in shock. Take especially good care of yourself right now. Your family may be horrified as they love and care for you, but you sound clear that your ex isn't good for you. It must be extra difficult now with the loss of your mum and my heart goes out to you.  

[C.Stein]

DG,

I am very sorry to hear about your mum.   

Please take care of yourself and try to stay grounded.  You are in a very vulnerable place right now, be careful of constructing illusions around your ex. 

[Kelli Cornett]

Exsp with men they do not change. I have been in this exact situation within 3 weeks he was back to being abusive.

As hard as it is, I'd try and move on. Focus on that person you are dating now, don't let him ruin that for you or you will regret it.

Trust me. Experience.

[Skip]

This is from January... .reads very similar to today.

Then he said I just keep triggering his anger.  He said he felt so alone and sad, so abandoned from his family.  He actually had tears in his eyes.

I said can we work this out, he said he wont be changing for some time.  He said "you keep triggering me".  I said I can't keep doing these lows, they are hurting me.  He just got up to leave.  I walked out with him and we hugged good-buy.

I was starting to detach then 3 days later he texted me, such a normal one about how he was dreaming of me, wishing we were snuggling up and stuff like that.  I was so confused.  I thought we had ended it.  What was he thinking or doing... .

I texted him back.  I just said I feel the same way.  I couldn't just act normal and loving and pretend what we talked about hadn't happened.  I don't even know how he could just text something so casual after I thought we had both decided it wasn't going to work.  I thought we had broken up, mutually.

Then he texted me the next day.  Just another normal text.  Like something we have done when things are good.

You've been here before... .

Right now you're vulnerable. Certainly there is part of you that what this relationship to work - part of you that is tired.

In the past you've (the two of you) have gotten caught up in circular conflicts. You are going to go right back to that unless somethings changes with the both of you before it starts again.

If you are going down this path (I am not suggesting you do or don't), take some time to learn the tools and discuss the day to day with other couples here.  It will help.

[DreamerGirl]

Thank you everyone, so much, for your kind words and support.

Two more days until my Mum's funeral.  This week has been very hard in so many ways.

It has bought back so many feelings of grief from losing my daughter 10 years ago.  I know I'm not in a very strong place, emotionally, at the moment.  He knows this too.

Seeing my Psychologist helped make sense of some of my thoughts and how I need to protect myself, at the moment.  Even though I feel like I need him again, I need him here with me and supporting me, I'm  fighting that as much as I can.  He has caused me so much pain, why will this be any different?  It's so hard being alone at the moment.

After I saw my Psychologist, that night I told him that I didn't want him coming to my Moms funeral.  That it wasn't the right thing to do and that my family would be very upset if he did, considering how much he hurt me.  (My family hate him and can't even believe I am seeing him again  )

He got really angry, he called me a selfish b___, and said I was putting my families feelings above my mother's funeral, because she liked him and he would like to pay his respects... .and he got up, gathered his stuff up that he had left here this week, and left me alone, again.

We have been in contact since, only via text, both expressing our feelings.  This is so hard.  I can't believe I have even let myself go back near him.  After he threw me away and now he is trying to turn this around, as I go through this grief of losing Mum, and he tries to make me out to be the bad person.

[VitaminC]

I am very sorry to hear it, DreamerGirl. Now, when you particularly need support and empathy.

You know that his reaction is wrong. Meaning, that it is selfish and not supportive of you.

You had the right to put a limit on his behaviours, to request that he not attend the funeral. If he truly wants to pay his respects, he could do so at the back somewhere, out of sight, and not engage with the close family at all. That would be the sensitive way to do it, if the desire to attend the funeral is genuinely motivated by a desire to pay his respects. That is up to him. It is not up to you to come up with ways for him to do something that is right for him, but not in sync with what you or your close family needs. You have enough to deal with now, without trying to deal with another grown-ups emotional needs. You take precedence absolutely at this time.

Be gentle and easy with yourself, dear DreamerGirl. Rely on those who love you and want the best for you. Say a proper good bye to your mother.

[Moselle]

Dreamergirl.

So sorry to hear of your ordeal. Well done for putting your limit in whilst going through such trying and difficult times. Totally offside of him to throw a tantrum about himself when you desperately need love and support.

Is there someone, a friend perhaps, who you can turn to right now, who can give you the love and support you need?

All the best for the funeral

[formflier]

 
My condolences as well.  

I'm so glad that you have a psychologist in your life to help you sort through your feelings and learn to create a safe space for you by using limits and boundaries.

What can you do in the next few days to be especially kind to yourself?  Take yourself to a lunch place you have been wanting to go to.  Perhaps take a walk somewhere you have never been before.

   

FF

[steelwork]

My deepest condolences, Dreamergirl. Your only job now is to treat yourself kindly. This is not "selfish " any more than it's selfish for a diabetic to take her insulin.

At the risk of stating the obvious:

He has shown that he was by your side in your time of need because he expected something in return. That's a pretty crappy knight in shining armor, don't you think? In fact, you might call it... .selfish?

[Lucky Jim]

He got really angry, he called me a selfish b___, and said I was putting my families feelings above my mother's funeral, because she liked him and he would like to pay his respects... .

Hey Dreamer, I'm sorry you are going through this on top of losing your mother.  Suggest you beware of the F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt) which is how a pwBPD manipulates the Non.  "He got really angry" -- Fear; "He called me a selfish b___" -- Guilt; "he would like to pay his respects" -- Obligation.

Don't buy into it, is my suggestion.

LuckyJim

[Skip]

This is a classic conflicted relationship:

From June:

With all our make ups and break ups, I have never really had to feel the pain of breaking up, forever, as I always knew we would recycle each other again.

I have also been stuck between the two thoughts of being with him again, which eases the pain, and then the reality that it's over which is crushing because I've left a man I love, to save myself and give myself a chance of finding happiness one day.

Too good to leave, too bad to stay... .push, pull... .

We don't want to make it worse by exacerbating the the the low swings of the pendulum... .that is not helping you or your partner.

The problem with serial recycling is that no one really knows what normal is after a while. You both jumped back in deep without much urging from the other and this was prior to your mothers passing.

I can understand why he would be highly invalidated by being excluded from your mother's funeral... .

I can see why you aren't taking him... .

What is the expectation in a situation like this? Who is right? Who is handling this well? That is not at all very clear.

Certainly all of us feel that you're vulnerable and whatever your wishes are right now regarding your mothers funeral we support... .This one of lifes most difficult challenges (the loss of a parent).

You two need to find a better way to handle the ups and downs of your relationship other than blowing things up. I hope we can help you find a stable place either in our out of the relationship.