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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Affair, prostitutes, loving husband  (Read 1426 times)
Annie99

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 25


« Reply #30 on: October 26, 2016, 05:38:34 PM »

Thanks for this formflier.

Leg 1: Yes it has been helpful to find this group. The informaiton from the members and the workshops have been incredible at helping me to understand things which have made no sense to me. It is comforting to finally be able to understand things that have seen nonsensical and bizarre.

Leg 2: Yes I get that I need to be stable. Hence all the work I am doing on myself.  Getting there a lot of the time, but wow it is a lot of exhausting mental work. I have to talk in my head to myself as I interact with my husband so that I dont react. I get that this gets better with practice. And I hope my new T. can help as well (not so impressed with first visit but we will see). I think the toughest thing for me in dealing with my husband at the moment is that even when we are talking about something completely begnin, the affair and the prostitutes are always in the back of my mind. Somewhere in my head is "how could you do that?" and "You are not the person I thought you were at all". I get he is a flawed human being. As am I. Just really hard to get my head around those ones or even move towards forgiveness. Looking after myself - I have booked a massage (really need some touch) and I ahve decided I will move to the bedroom downstairs, I will get a baby monitor to listen if the boys wake up with nightmares in the night. Not sure how H will react to that, but I suspect he wont be happy. But I can't go back to our bed at this time - dont know if I ever can.

Leg 3: And I do have good friends, some know, some dont. For me the biggest issue is getting out to see them as I am always worried leaving the kids with him, esp in the evenings when he usually drinks.

The night terrors are over, thank goodness. But still get random wake ups with nightmares (only once this week). As sson as they wake up, they shout "mom!". They do know I sleep there, though I go to bed after they fall asleep, they see me there in the morning. As mentioned, realized I need a bettter solution and will move downstairs with a baby monitor. At least I will have my own space.
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formflier
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



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« Reply #31 on: October 27, 2016, 08:11:54 AM »


The night terrors are over, thank goodness. But still get random wake ups with nightmares (only once this week). As sson as they wake up, they shout "mom!". They do know I sleep there, though I go to bed after they fall asleep, they see me there in the morning. As mentioned, realized I need a bettter solution and will move downstairs with a baby monitor. At least I will have my own space.

I would recommend coordinating this with their T.  Is it the same person?  Do they go together or have separate appointments?

I recommend getting very specific with T and make sure you are on same page with regards to when you move downstairs, when kids are told about move and how kids are coached on dealing with their emotions after waking up from a nightmare.

Also, when you hear it on the baby monitor... .how long will you let them attempt to self-soothe, with whatever strategy agreed on in T, before you enter the room. 


It's very obvious the deep amount of love you have for your kids and that you value them as you make decisions about yourself and your relationships.  This is a good thing.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I've got 8 kids, so very familiar with the incredible range of emotions that one can experience, when looking at what can appear, at first, as a no win situation.  We all want our kids to "win".

I recommend discussing Gottman's work with your kids T.  Also ask who or what they base their T strategy on.  You want the efforts of the T to be a supplement to your efforts at home, vice a distraction.  Important you are on same page.

www.positiveparentingconnection.net/how-to-raise-an-emotionally-intelligent-child/


Last thought:  It is important that you are intentional about parenting and guiding your children.  It's just as important that you AVOID parenting your spouse.

Easier said than done.  If you read my posts there is a strong "paternalistic"  manner that I approach my wife with.  I work on it... .it's not easy to get away from. 

Especially when an adult is throwing a tantrum like a 3 year old. 

FF
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