Wife has been gone from family, angry with me

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've been with my BPD-traits wife for 10 years, married almost 5.  We have a blended family (3 older teenagers) and a 2 year-old together.  She is very intelligent and successful in her career, so it took me some time to recognize the issues, but they became clear well before marriage.  Over time the broke me down and I have been in therapy for almost 10 years, attended groups and built up my resources which has helped me tremendously. There was a time early in our marriage where the insults, rage, threats to leave, guilt and silent treatment almost pushed me over the edge of a cliff.  I was coping poorly, hating myself and just struggling to survive.  It hasn't always been great, but things have improved and I've felt more in control of my life, but things are getting difficult again.

Over the past 9 months she's been finishing up an intense educational program and is about to make more money.  She's also been unavailable as a mother and wife in a number of situations, due to how busy she's been, even having to leave for a month to get trained in her new position.  I have been very supportive and patient while she's been busy, but things have been slowly deteriorating (more insults, less positives, less connection, more rage) and I feel like we are back in a very low place.  While she was away, I missed her and had some loneliness, but the lack of emotional fear and tension was a relief.  As she's been less available and I've done more to help run our family and I thought she would appreciate me more, but she's actually been building up more criticism and disconnect.  I was nervous for her return, even though she was saying she was excited to see me.  Prior to her leaving was horrible, as her guilt of being away lead to lots of attack on me.  As expected, after 2 days back, she blew up on me for something small, yelled at me in front of our two year old while he asked her to stop, and has been raging at me or giving me the silent treatment since.  She's telling me she doesn't respect who I am as a person, that if she met me today she wouldn't marry me, that I'm mediocre, she attack things I do to cope (music, walks, etc) and saying I have pathetic interests...   Despite the progress I've made over the past years, I still struggle to handle the intensity of these situations or know how to get anything through to her.  She's also very smart so her attacks and insults cut to the core.  I turned 40 this past month and she destroyed me on that day and the time around it,.  It was horrible.

I know logically that me running our family for the past 9 months and taking care of most everything regarding the day to day tasks, means I'm doing well, but her attacks and ability to go after my weaknesses (fix it jobs around the house for example), to define who I am are draining.  She definitely splits and right now, everything I do is bad.  I've also lost her companionship and most anything positive between us over the past 9 months and I feel alone.  I'm struggling to see the forest through the trees and could use some thoughts and advice.

[SeekingHelp2]

I've been with my BPD-traits wife for 10 years, married almost 5.  We have a blended family (3 older teenagers) and a 2 year-old together.  She is very intelligent and successful in her career, so it took me some time to recognize the issues, but they became clear well before marriage.  Over time the broke me down and I have been in therapy for almost 10 years, attended groups and built up my resources which has helped me tremendously. There was a time early in our marriage where the insults, rage, threats to leave, guilt and silent treatment almost pushed me over the edge of a cliff.  I was coping poorly, hating myself and just struggling to survive.  It hasn't always been great, but things have improved and I've felt more in control of my life, but things are getting difficult again.

Over the past 9 months she's been finishing up an intense educational program and is about to make more money.  She's also been unavailable as a mother and wife in a number of situations, due to how busy she's been, even having to leave for a month to get trained in her new position.  I have been very supportive and patient while she's been busy, but things have been slowly deteriorating (more insults, less positives, less connection, more rage) and I feel like we are back in a very low place.  While she was away, I missed her and had some loneliness, but the lack of emotional fear and tension was a relief.  As she's been less available and I've done more to help run our family and I thought she would appreciate me more, but she's actually been building up more criticism and disconnect.  I was nervous for her return, even though she was saying she was excited to see me.  Prior to her leaving was horrible, as her guilt of being away lead to lots of attack on me.  As expected, after 2 days back, she blew up on me for something small, yelled at me in front of our two year old while he asked her to stop, and has been raging at me or giving me the silent treatment since.  She's telling me she doesn't respect who I am as a person, that if she met me today she wouldn't marry me, that I'm mediocre, she attack things I do to cope (music, walks, etc) and saying I have pathetic interests...   Despite the progress I've made over the past years, I still struggle to handle the intensity of these situations or know how to get anything through to her.  She's also very smart so her attacks and insults cut to the core.  I turned 40 this past month and she destroyed me on that day and the time around it,.  It was horrible.

I know logically that me running our family for the past 9 months and taking care of most everything regarding the day to day tasks, means I'm doing well, but her attacks and ability to go after my weaknesses (fix it jobs around the house for example), to define who I am are draining.  She definitely splits and right now, everything I do is bad.  I've also lost her companionship and most anything positive between us over the past 9 months and I feel alone.  I'm struggling to see the forest through the trees and could use some thoughts and advice.

[ArleighBurke]

A BPD often gets angry at YOU for something about HER - projection.

She left for months, and YOU were able to run everything without her. She has helped out very little. So she feels expendable! If she fears abandonment then she is asking "why is he still with me? He doesnt' NEED me"... .

My wife did the same. The more i saw she struggled, the more I did. The less time she had, the more I did. But then she felt useless! We had a MAJOR arguement because one day I started cutting my own hair (that was HER job!)

Try to give more responsibility back to her. Don't load her up - but let her do things for the family and for you that "you need". Say "thanks for doing X - i really hate doing it" or "- I can never do it as well as you" or "- it makes a big difference to me".


Remember also - if YOU are feeling lost and alone in the relationship, then SHE probably is too. What can you do to try to "invite her back"? Can you arrange something special (a date) for you both - an outing, nature, museum, some fun... .