My story

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

hi all im new here, married to a wife who could be described as difficult or hell. depending on the time of day you pick.

thanks and nice to be here

[roguewanderer]

hi all im new here, married to a wife who could be described as difficult or hell. depending on the time of day you pick.

thanks and nice to be here

[C.Stein]

Welcome RW,

You are in a good place to explore the reasons why your wife behaves the way she does.  Would you like to share more of your story?  What landed you on the deciding or conflicted board?

[roguewanderer]

Hi all

I am new here as you can see. And I have never told 'my story' to anyone. Some friends have heard part of the story, but their opinion on it all isn't too realistic to me since theyre my friends and I know they will support me regardless of what I say. Sorry for the long post, but this is my story... .and I value anyone who reads it or has any comments.

I met my wife 5 years ago, I knew she was what seemed at the time a bit quirky, eccentric almost. Since the first moment she was fun, smart, outgoing, super loving and affectionate, definitely held me in a much higher regard than any previous partner I had.

We spent every waking moment together for 4 months, there were times during this period she lost her temper and I threatened to leave, but I put it to the back of my mind. I was caught in the whirlwind of it all, and asked her to marry me. Within 1 month the changes appeared in all their glory.

I had to fly overseas for a 6 week course, I ended up spending a $1000 bill because of her screaming, accusing me of cheating repeatedly which I hadnt done. I would get told I am not committed, a cheater, a 'whore' and get hung up on 40 times a day for a few days. Then everything would be 'magical' again. As if she'd realised I am not this horrible person but the best person ever.

This flying off the handle continued, it would happen roughly 3 days a week her going off completely. When she attacked me I ended up responding in a bad way- breaking things I'd bought her, threatening to leave etc.

She has called the police around 15 times in the past 4 years. I was even arrested once accused of assault, then charges all dropped.

I flew to my home country  (the UK), and stated when she returns that in order for me to be with her she'd have to have therapy. I found out after we married that she used to cut herself, was abused as a child, burned herself in secret places, tore out parts of her hair. We moved back to the US together and the same cycle again. She flipped out at me a few days ago and hasnt stopped.

She has been diagnosed with various things over the years but the psychiatrist always changed their mind on what it was. She would not stay medication compliant and would take the pills for a day or two and then claim is made her feel nauseous so shed stop.

Today in an argument she told me that the last 4 therapists told her to dump me because IM the problem and Ive been gaslighting her. I am now truly lost. Thank you

[roguewanderer]

Welcome RW,

You are in a good place to explore the reasons why your wife behaves the way she does.  Would you like to share more of your story?  What landed you on the deciding or conflicted board?

Thank you for your response, I made a post 'my story'. But ultimately my story seems like a replica of the others I have read here. It is soul destroying being married to someone with BPD. I've been in jail because of this woman, I have moved countries because of this woman and allowed her back in. I have a daughter I love so much with this woman but I know if I leave her she will make it impossible for me to see her. She has EVERYONE thinking Im physically abusive and a cheat. And most people are inclined to believe her- I have a shaved head, fairly big guy and tattoos etc. I am embarassed to tell my friends the full story about her. I feel like a fool for giving so much of myself to someone who only destroys everything I make. This forum is the only place I have found Im comfortable talking about it. Apologies for the long post!

[C.Stein]

I'm very sorry you have to deal with all that.  I know how hard it is to understand how someone you love can do and say things that are so incredibly hurtful and destructive.

I understand why you feel stuck, you are certainly in a tough place concerning your daughter.  Where do you want to go from here?  Can you provide some detail with regard to why you feel your wife suffers from BPD?  Understanding what drives the behavior is the first step to finding solutions, whatever they may be.

Have you checked out the sidebar links?  -------->

[roguewanderer]

I'm very sorry you have to deal with all that.  I know how hard it is to understand how someone you love can do and say things that are so incredibly hurtful and destructive.

I understand why you feel stuck, you are certainly in a tough place concerning your daughter.  Where do you want to go from here?  Can you provide some detail with regard to why you feel your wife suffers from BPD?  Understanding what drives the behavior is the first step to finding solutions, whatever they may be.

Have you checked out the sidebar links?  -------->

She has been diagnosed with various things, anxiety, bipolar- they changed their mind after a few months saying it wasnt bipolar, ADHD. She was sexually abused as a child, cut herself, burns herself, rips her hair out, eating disorder.

However, the exterior is- she is very attractive, doing her masters degree in social work (which means she has simply decided to try and tell me Im gaslighting and other terms). At home with me she is completely different to the outside world.

She has rages that are triggered what seems randomly. She has not stuck to any of the dozen or so medications she has tried thus far- putting it down to making her feel nauseous. She is OBSESSED with accusing me of cheating, she is obsessed with talking about my ex gfs none of who she ever met. She drives me away, blocks my emails and calls but at the same time sends one-way mail accusing me of abandoning her? I dont know. Ive been arrested, kicked out of my own home, various things like this and I stayed strong and stayed with her. I treated her mental illness as if it were any other disease- I never wanted to leave her because of it, I tried to be stronger than it because I committed to marry her and have a child with her. I am about to lose everything, if I try to leave her she calls the police and accuses me of beating her. If I stay she rages at me and then ends up trying to get me removed from the house. I have sat in an armchair before, while she disconnects the internet, cuts the plug from the TV, calls the phone company and has my cell phone switched off. The rages at me more- I pay for the home, I pay the bills and everything- but she is in control of our finances etc because I work overseas as a contractor. I am really lost in my life.

[teapay]

Rogue, sounds like you got a mess on your hands.  In the short term, I'd suggest you find a friend (not mutual to your W) and/or a counselor (same, not mutual) that you can talk to about this stuff.  Some one outside the circle of your W and not influenced by her chatter and premption.  First order of business would be to regain the footing of your own mental and personal health, so you can better handle the other issues.  Talking to someone who has your interest at heart, and in the flesh, will be a big first step in that undertaking.

[C.Stein]

However, the exterior is- she is very attractive, doing her masters degree in social work (which means she has simply decided to try and tell me Im gaslighting and other terms). At home with me she is completely different to the outside world.

This is fairly typical BPD, two different personalities depending on who she is with.  The people she is closest to, emotionally speaking, see the whole person, good and bad.  I know how incredibly difficult it is to rationalize this especially when the difference is dramatic.

Understand the disorder will help you here.  Emotional based disorders and the related dysfunctional behavior are triggered by pretty much anything that impacts emotional stability ... .particularly intimacy and stress.  Given most borderlines do not have the ability to self-regulate and self-sooth they will lash out at those people who are closest to them.  Some are aggressive, others passive.  Yours appears to be one of the aggressive variety.

Right now I think we should explore how you can works towards lessening the conflict and abusive behavior.

Good place to start are the Section 1 workshops.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0;sort=subject

There is a lot of material here to read and absorb.  I'd recommend just going in order as this will help you get a handle on everything that is going on right now.  Please feel free to ask as many questions as you need to.  

It can all be very confusing, especially when you are deep in the FOG.  We are here to help disperse that FOG and bring some clarity and direction.