Is you pwBPD OK with your BPDFamily activity?

[WendyDavid]

I still live with my ex until our circumstances change.  He is aware that I'm on this site and the purpose of this site.  He says that he is glad I have someone to talk to about my "sadness" and hopes it makes me feel better. 

However, he gets very upset if he knows I've been on this site.  He gets agitated and withdrawn.  He'll usually pick a fight with me if he knows I've been using this site.  I've even had to erase my history from the computer to avoid conflict.  He's said to me that his therapist thinks my bpdfamily activity is a bad idea because "divorcees will be encouraging me with their bitterness".  But my ex could totally be making up these things his therapist is saying.  I told him my therapist is totally OK with my online activities.  However, he keeps forgetting that my therapist is OK with it.

I offered to show him some post on this site.  He does not want to look.  He says he is trying to respect my privacy, but I think he is afraid that there is "BPD-bashing" going on here.  I asked him if he thought I was aggressive or something after being on the computer and he said that I wasn't.  I asked if there was anything that made him think there was any negative activity going on.  He didn't know, it just "felt" like there "might be".

Anyway, after explaining again that this is a site for family members of pwBPD who are sharing knowledge, he calms down for the rest of the day.  But the next day it starts over.  Does this happen to anyone else?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

To be honest sharing your use of this site with your pwBPD will be very triggering for for them. Even if they seem ok sooner or later it is likely to blow up, and once posted your opinions cannot be withdrawn. Your thoughts can be permanently visible to many. Some topics getting may get thousands of views over time. It is not the same an in person support group with only a handful of people and nothing being made public or permanently set in record.

While this is not usually a big deal to members due to strict anonymity guidelines, to your pwBPD they know who you are referring to and have no control over what you say, it can be very undermining.

They may feel like it is an invasion of privacy.

This is a very common conundrum you raise and I am sure others will have much to contribute to this emotive subject.

I would think very carefully about what you share, if your anonymity is compromised

Waverider

[livednlearned]

There is BPD bashing on this site. He is right about that, no?

The negative posts may not reflect how you feel, or what your goals are. It is also true that there are very hurt and angry people on the site working through their own difficult relationships and break-ups. Some of these posts can be triggering even for people who are not BPD. Not on this particular board so much, though it's one hop over to detaching and another to family law.

It might be an opportunity to focus on validation and boundaries, and/or SET to see if there is something to his concerns. When he expresses how he feels and you respond that your therapist says it's ok, that may come across as JADE-ing.

It is brave that he is telling you how he feels 

[SweetCharlotte]

I have hinted in no uncertain terms to my uBPDh that I am active on a board for SO's of pwBPD, and that without it I probably could not have stayed with him over the years.

He is not interested in finding the board, and I guess I'm lucky for that. I wouldn't want my cover blown. I wouldn't want to lose this place where I can get advice and vent.

When things have been bad, I've almost taunted him about the board. Still, he hasn't looked for it. I imagine he could have found it easily if he wanted to. Maybe it's because he is in very deep denial about having this condition. He must be able to see himself as perfect, even when he is falling apart. I am more openly vulnerable, so I get the blame when he malfunctions.

Well, that's my story. He doesn't look for the site, doesn't want to know about it, and isn't receptive to my diagnosis of him, even though it has allowed me to stay with him, and we are usually (like 80% of the time) happy together.

[Sunfl0wer]

I still live with my ex until our circumstances change.  He is aware that I'm on this site and the purpose of this site.  He says that he is glad I have someone to talk to about my "sadness" and hopes it makes me feel better.

This statement reminded me of my ex. (Combo NPD/BPD traits)
He was sort of ok going to couples counseling with me, however, always wanted it framed that he was "doing it for me."

In his mind... .
I had to be the target patient

He struggled with ever demonstrating insight when probed about his contributions to things.  

I suspect it makes him feel more comfortable feeling you are getting support for your issue of sadness.  Harder for him to suspect you are getting help coping with "his disorder/his behavior" or such.

Probably a good thing you picked up on that and if you choose to, could be worth being sensitive to how you phrase things.  Maybe you could find phrasing things as they relate to you, and your ability to cope with life.  This may help him find a way to support you, or at least minimize a sense of him feeling "targeted" in some way.  (Whereas it could feel impossible for him to support/tolerate you in finding ways to deal with "difficult mate" or such.)