BPD brother vs father

[Summersun]

My father was not around very much during out childhood (he worked long hours and more recently spent weekends golfing). My 18 year old BPD brother who is also adopted has VERY strong feelings of resentment towards him because of this. I was not nearly as affected by this as it appears he is. My brother recently graduated from HS and refuses to get a job, spends all day smoking weed and sleeping, and has parties and friends over regularly. Every time my dad tries to set boundaries, my brother FREAKS OUT and it devolves into my brother saying he was never his dad and he just lost a son. It reached a point over the weekend where they got in each others faces and now my brother refuses to see my dad has been staying in a hotel. My brother of course exhibits BPD symptoms with my mother and myself as well but they are never this severe. I'm concerned now that my dad will have to bear the brunt of this and will be cut off from my brother while the rest of his family stays in contact. I have no idea what to do.

[Summersun]

I should add that my brother doesn't want to see him but my dad thinks the longer it goes on the worse it will get. This started about a week ago and my brother is still very much wrapped up in anger and irrational thoughts. He hasn't "come down" yet so to speak. I don't know what the timing should be for them to see each other, if it should be orchestrated or not, etc.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Summersun:   
Sorry about the situation with your brother.  Did he receive a diagnosis of BPD?  Has he been in therapy or received any meds?

If your brother isn't working, I'm thinking he will run out of money for the hotel room?  Do you think he has an alternate plan, perhaps stay with friends?

Some family therapy could be helpful, but unless your brother chooses to participate, he can't gain the benefit.  The only thing you and your other family members can do is control how you interact with and react to your brother.

There are several links to a lot of helpful information to the upper right of this post.  Your brother may be exhibiting  SPLITTING BEHAVIOR and could have split your father black.

The links below could be helpful:
FEAR OF ABANDONMENT (6-Page Discussion)
Fear of abandonment is a common issue for people with BPD (pwBPD).  It could be more of a problem for an adopted pwBPD.

KARPMAN DRAMA TRIANGLE:
Learning about the drama triangle can be helpful.  Take note of what not to do and how to use the Caring/Winning Triangle.  There are a couple of links at the end of the article that will take you to a couple of discussion threads.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

VALIDATION will be a helpful skill to use with your brother.

Have your parents learned about techniques to use with a pwBPD?

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Summerson, 

I'm glad that you have shared some of your story with us. From what you said, would it be correct if I say that it sounds as if your brother blames your dad for his problems in life? It is very challenging for us to set boundaries and maintain them with a pwBPD because of course the BPD picks up on the perceived rejection and can react very strongly as you saw in this recent episode. Do you think that may be what is happening?

Do you know of any T in your area that are familiar with BPD? It sounds as if your family could use some help and support and guidance to navigate these turbulent waters. What are you feeling through all of this?

 
Wools

[Summersun]

Thank you both for your responses! Yes, he has been diagnosed with BPD, but refuses to take medication. He took medication years ago and it helped TREMENDOUSLY but of course he did the classic "SEE IM FINE I DONT NEED THESE" and has been off them ever since. My brother has been in an out of therapy as well but has only gone for a couple of sessions at a time before refusing that too. My parents have been working with a therapist but my mom is very much the "rescuer" in that triangle, which I found very helpful btw, so thank you for that, Naughty! They come up with a plan with the therapist and then my mom sees my brother in such distress that she gives in. She's worried about him hurting himself if he gets to a certain point, which he has hinted at in the past but never took any action.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi again Summersun,

It definitely creates some very tough dynamics when you have a BPD that won't seek treatment, and someone on the drama triangle that won't get off. No wonder it is so difficult for your dad. Here are a couple more links that I thought might provide some help, but the best thing is that your parents are seeing a T. Hopefully with time both of them will be able to do what is most needed to help your brother.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict
https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

Please let us know how things are going!

 
Wools

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY SUMMERSUN:  

My brother has been in an out of therapy as well but has only gone for a couple of sessions at a time before refusing that too. My parents have been working with a therapist but my mom is very much the "rescuer" in that triangle. . . They come up with a plan with the therapist and then my mom sees my brother in such distress that she gives in. She's worried about him hurting himself if he gets to a certain point, which he has hinted at in the past but never took any action.

Maybe you can share some of the lessons with your mom, like the one on the drama triangle?    I'm thinking that your mom needs to explore the thought that by not trying the plan they make with the therapist could lead to your brother hurting himself in the long run.

Would it be possible for you to go to a couple of therapy sessions with your parents?  Perhaps you could share some lessons with your parents and then follow up with discussing them in a therapy session?  I'm thinking that you could add some value to a session or two?

Your brother may have a hesitancy to go back on meds, because of side effects. It can be possible to work with a psychiatrist and find a med or dosage to minimize or eliminate side effects.

[Summersun]

Well, pretty sure this doesn't count as "breaking the cycle" but my mom decided to move out and get an apartment for her and my brother to live in. My parents and I conference call every now and then or during times of crises and I do feel like my input adds a much needed perspective. I live a few hours away (for obvious reasons) so it's not so easy for me to go to a therapy appt with them, and honestly I'm not sure if I could mentally handle that right now. I did share with my mom that I'm concerned that she will continue to be the "rescuer" but the three of them (mom, dad, and brother) are so frazzled right now that it's hard for me to know what will happen when things calm down after they move. I guess time will tell?