Eldest Daughter BPD Traits. How can I support her?

[Moselle]

My eldest is 15.

I think she is a low functioning Borderline. She struggles at school and gets really angry. At 15 is it too early to tell?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

15 is not too early too tell. A really good book to read: BPD and Adolescence by Blaise Aguirre. He seems to be the leading expert on the topic for that age group.

Are there any other behaviors that concern you?

[enlighten me]

I occassionally worry about my 15yo son. Sometimes he behaves just like his mum. What gives me comfort though is unlike his mum he isnt selfish. He has empathy and doesnt fall out with his friends. ADHD and BPD are very similar (imo they are the same but ones got a few extra ingrediants). Also bear in mind that the teenage brain is a lot like the BPD brain. Just google teenage behaviours and they are scarily similar.

I would look at how long this behaviour has been going on. If it suddenly started in the teens then its quite likely teenage hormones. If its always been there then BPD is a possibility.

[wendydarling]

Hello Moselle and welcome

I agree with LNL it's never too early to take an interest in one's child's wellbeing and ask the important questions we need to. I recognise these are early days for you and wonder if it would be helpful to engage a BPD accredited DBT specialist to counsel you at this point? Do you think that would be helpful?

WDx

[Moselle]

Hi all.

She's the eldest daughter enmeshed psychologically with the mother. She split me black like the mother and is low functioning  ( unlike the high functioning.mother)

Her psychologist mentioned the splitting to me but is quite reticent to talk about personality disorders. She is aware of the divorce and animosity and I don't think she wants to add fuel to that fire.

My 12 year old appears quite resilient and my 7 year old is showing people pleasing traits

[enlighten me]

As the eldest she probably thinks its her responsibility to look after her siblings. My eldest did this with his brother. He took on a parental role. A therapist asked him who the adult was in the relationship between him and his mum and he replied him. Could this be part of the problem? Also children dont want to upset their parents so sometimes fall in line with their thinking to please them.

[Moselle]

The middle one 12 takes the caretaking role. The 15 year old is self absorbed and stressed, and seems dissociated from reality. Like the mother. I feel so sad.  

The Child T says she needs more time, but is not specific about the issues.

The 12 and 7 year old are the pleasers. That I can identify with.

I just tell her I love her regardless of what she says or does. If I talk about any recovery stuff, she gets angry, so I teach them boundaries etc sparingly for the moment.

[livednlearned]

 The Child T says she needs more time, but is not specific about the issues.

Does that feel ok to you?

[Moselle]

No. I say bring out the skeletons.

In  the divorce doc I am blunt and the ex has signed it, surprisingly.

Blunt as In these are the mental illnesses the children have been exposed to -borderline   narcissistic  impulse control,  obsessive, eating disorders. I need to get to through the court before I rock the boat. But there is going to a very bunt discussion between the ex, me and the child psychologist.

The ex cannot even have a normal conversation, so it will be me and the psych

[wendydarling]

Can understand your decision to wait, when's the court date Moselle?

[Moselle]

4 November

It's my weekend and D15 is behaving very well. No traits visible.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders