Not sure what approach to take.

[Cipher13]

Hello its been a few weeks since last post. Going to new T and I think it's going well so far. At least from my perspective. Wife isn't seeing the changes she wants. But she tends to need instant change. Can't change over night... .if at all some times.

So here is my question (kind of similar maybe to all my questions): How do I respond to the following kind of text "I am sick of you and how you treat me and you expect me to believe that you "love" me.  I have seen multiple times over the last few weeks you ignore me ON PURPOSE. Listen to me, you do not treat me in the way that you supposedly think you do.  You seem to think that you treat me with love and respect and that couldn't be further from the truth.  You are disrespectful and intentionally so.  You make me feel worthless. You treat me like crap.  when I say you are mean to me I mean it.  And these last few weeks you have provided ample proof of that.  I don't want to stay with you."

Before anyone asks me "what do you want to happen?" The answer is ultimately I don't what to stay either. However I keep saying I do and want to work this out. The problem is I don't know how to communicate that I also don't want to continue this. What I am afraid of is the emotional down fall she will project on me and herself.  She is excellent at projecting FOG. I have tried to respond with things like "So what do you want to do then?  I want to be with you. But I can’t and won’t force you to do that if you are against it."

Instead of trying to get her to discuss splitting up it ALWAYS goes to wanting me to just change or be different or treat her differently. So when I ask that kind of question I think she ends up steering it away from not wanting to be with me into just wanting me to be "fixed". Any help on this subject? I  am not sure what to do here. I'm very lost.

[HopefulDad]

Before anyone asks me "what do you want to happen?" The answer is ultimately I don't what to stay either. However I keep saying I do and want to work this out. The problem is I don't know how to communicate that I also don't want to continue this. What I am afraid of is the emotional down fall she will project on me and herself.  She is excellent at projecting FOG. I have tried to respond with things like "So what do you want to do then?  I want to be with you. But I can’t and won’t force you to do that if you are against it."

I'm not sure I follow.  The bolded in particular conveys two opposite desires (don't want to stay vs. do want to work this out).  Which is it?

[Cipher13]

Oh maybe I didn't explain it clearly. Internally I feel I don't want to stay in this. outwardly I express to her that I do.

[HopefulDad]

Oh maybe I didn't explain it clearly. Internally I feel I don't want to stay in this. outwardly I express to her that I do.

So first thing's first: Decide for yourself what you want.  I always suggest following your gut.

The next step is how to communicate this to her.

[Cipher13]

Yeah step one is difficult enough. Step 2 for reasons I can understand nor can express in words scares the crap out of me.

[HopefulDad]

Yeah step one is difficult enough. Step 2 for reasons I can understand nor can express in words scares the crap out of me.

That's why the F is in FOG.

Don't try to do too much at the same time.  Decide what you want and be firm with your decision.  Then figure out how to convey it.  If you're trying to come up with words in your head without truly believing in them, your conversation will likely be handicapped by that.

[Waddams]

Cipher - You are afraid for her to make you the bad guy and you're afraid of being labeled the bad guy in the event of a breakup/divorce.

News flash - you're already the bad guy to her.  She's already put the a$$h*le label on you.  That isn't gonna change whether you stay with her or not. 

If you want out, and need to get out (which at this point everyone on this board would agree with that), then you're gonna have to accept the reality and cold hard truth that to her, you are already the bad guy in her mind, and then you have to divorce your emotions from it and not let it bother you.

[formflier]

Couple observations and thoughts.

As others have said.  If you want out... .leave.  No justification needed.  Just go.

However, as I read between the lines, I'm not seeing that is what you want.  (perhaps I'm wrong here).

What I think I'm reading is that you don't want the r/s to continue the way it is.  From that text... .I would agree... .I wouldn't tolerate that r/s either.  Note:  My wife and I rarely text anymore.  Primarily because I believe it stopped being a tool where she could "hook" me into circular arguments or get "a reaction".

Few questions.

Is the new T for you... .for the marriage... .(as in MC)?  Explain that a bit more.

Do you bring this texts into T?  What does T say?  (note... .present them as "I would like to improve my r/s skills and learn how to better respond to texts like this.    do not blame.


Big picture:  Respond emotionally... .and "kick the can down the road" (goal is for the "fire" to burn out).

"I understand you are troubled by this.  I'm here for you.  Can we get together today at (insert time) and discuss this in person?"

The exact words aren't so important as the big picture messages.

You acknowledge her emotion.  You present yourself to her in support (no defensiveness, jade... any of that), and you will be there for her later.  

The last part is key... .because it leaves it in her lap for now.  Or if she chucks the issue at you... .dodge and let it lay on the floor.  Not your job to hand it back to her.  Critical that either she keeps it... .or it stays on floor.  YOU DO NOT PICK IT UP.

In the meeting later (if it gets to that).  Listen, validate, ask her what she can do to improve the situation.  :)O NOT give her open ended question such as "what can be done".  She will tell you to do something.

Your role is limited to "listening, empathy (no judgment) and be ready to enforce boundaries to protect you.

wash, rinse, repeat... .

She will tire of it... .eventually.  If you are consistent.

Want to learn more?

FF

[Grey Kitty]

So here is my question (kind of similar maybe to all my questions): How do I respond to the following kind of text "I am sick of you and how you treat me and you expect me to believe that you "love" me... .

I cut the text off because the first line set the tone, which didn't vary at all throughout the text.

So what was in it? All I saw was a string of abusive accusations.

What do you do with that?

Validation is good, but you don't want to validate the invalid, and none of those statements are valid. The only valid thing there is that she's feeling angry with you when she sent that text; you could try "You sound really angry with me", or something similar.

A dear and wise friend once said to me "If there isn't a question, you don't have to answer it." She isn't asking you anything in there. While plenty in it is provocative, nothing is actually asking for an answer.

If I didn't think the validation attempt had much chance of being effective/useful, and figured she'd just attack again with another text full of similar vile stuff... .I wouldn't respond to anything she said in that text.