In need of encouragement

[473harman]

Feeling very down- 16 yo daughter at a residential boarding school - there a little over a month - has been very depressed since going there (place was recommended by the top BPD center in the country after she spent the summer there). Was starting to acclimate but has not been attending school for the past week or so and I received a call yesterday that she had self injured  - her third time since she's been there.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[VitaminC]

Hi 473harman , .

I am sorry to read that your daughter is going through a difficult period right now. I can imagine that must be very hard for you. The thought of those we love suffering is difficult to bear, especially our children.

I am sure the school has good supports in place. Do you feel that she is in good hands? What is being done for her? How are you supporting yourself during this period?

Keep posting, and tell us your story. You are in a good place.

~VitaminC

[Bright Day Mom]

Hi there! I know the emptiness / helplessness you are feeling as my DD was in residential for 8 months and has graduated just 2 weeks ago.  This time is difficult for the whole family close friends too. 

I know self-harm is often difficult for us parents and nonBPD people to wrap our heads around. My DD has told me they can self harm with just about anything. She did too while in a locked psych hospital!  But it can get better... .she's now 9 months clean.  This is a process and I'm not going to lie that it is easy, quite the opposite actually. 

Is your D's facility nearby?  Are you seeing a therapist for yourself?  It is a lot to cope with and often times we don't want to "burden" our friends with the our own reality.  So a therapist is a good sounding board if anything.   Hang in there, you are not alone and there are good people here to help you.

[473harman]

Thanks BD mom and Vitamin C. Her facility is a 10 hour drive away. Apparently the greatest city in the world has no resources for BPD teens

the school does have systems in place - she is on 'eyes on watch' and they have been working with her on how she can have a "life worth living". They took her out this weekend to a symposium and they said she had some great ideas on how they could communicate what they learned to the community. So hopefully she will attend school this week.

I am going to see her next week -first time in over a month- and am very nervous. And while I try really hard to take of myself (running, sleep and eat well, social support) I don't have a therapist. I am looking for a support group locally

thanks   

[Bright Day Mom]

Wow, 10 hr drive... .that's far, but we do what we have to!

It sounds like the symposium outing was a success and she's at least partaking... .good stuff.  Baby steps to get into the swing of things with school, fingers crossed.

I know how nerve wracking it is, just the anticipation of the first visit. Try touching base with her social worker for some thoughts, ideas. I've brought in different "safe" items for my D and some things she was thankful for and other items she rolled her eyes over, like what the heck?  Either way, I took everything in stride and with a grain of salt.

It's great that you are taking care of yourself during this time and that a therapist for yourself is next on the list. It's amazing how much it can help.   

[DisneyMom]

I'm very sorry to hear about your DD's struggles in RTC. You are not alone! My DD was in RTC for 5 months when she was 14. (She is now 17, at home, better, but still with ups and downs) She also self-injured at RTC a handful of times. We were told at her intake that it does happen. The first time the worst. She went through about a 3 week honeymoon period, but then she got pretty depressed too. She was just really lonely and bored on a Saturday. She broke her eyeglasses and cut herself pretty badly with the glass. Glass is always her go-to tool, ugh! After that, they only let her have glasses supervised at school.

I think they have to deal with a whole new kind of stress and trauma, which is just BEING there, on top of everything else they are trying to heal from. The high-control environment also sets them up for trying to be sneaky and rebellious. Self-injury happens in RTC, and it is dealt with. Your DD will get a lot of time in therapy processing her use of target behaviors. It also means higher supervision, and work your way back to more freedoms and privileges.

It did get better for my DD, it took some more time. With more time, she became closer friends with some of the other residents. She took notice of some of the others further along in treatment. She saw that other girls were making the choice to put cutting behind them for good. And she began working the program with the goal of getting the heck out of there. In her case, not liking living in RTC was her motivation to make some positive changes, so it's not necessarily a bad thing in the long run.

She had her share of school refusal days too. But eventually, they connected her with a new, younger, primary counselor she clicked with better (her initial one was going out on leave) and she managed to convince her to keep going to school. Hang in there, I know it's really hard.