No words in the world can or could explain how small and humiliated I feel, knowing he left me because he couldn't face up he had been lying to me.
I feel devastated.
Hey xDash,
I haven't posted here in a a long while. Just took a long break from the boards, blogs, felt it was consuming me. But reading your post, I just wanted to let you know I'm sorry for what happened to you, and that you aren't alone... .
It is devastating isn't it? I used the same word recently to describe how I really felt. Just devastated. Not just my current life. Like here, now, how I feel. But how I feel about my past, and my future.
I was in a relationship with a girl for over five years. When we first met, I thought I was the luckiest guy in the world. But surely enough, time wore on, and things, oh wow did they change.
I remember making handwritten notes, taking photos of them with my iPhone, and texting her the photo (I hate texting, I really like handwriting). I found some recently that I hadn't thrown away.
One of these notes: Simply a . in the center of the sheet of paper. Just a dot. And at the bottom, it reads:
I love you, you must know that, but sometimes, too often really, almost every day, you make me feel this small. An arrow pointing up towards the dot.
My ex, again a girl I really did fall in love with, did everything right, I mean, perfect first Christmas, had our parents get together to meet, so they would know eachother; they got along great, I really believed she was "the one I'd marry".
Slowly though, she really did, excuse my language, kick the living $hit out of me. I mean, she quite literally obliterated my self esteem; which honestly, was pretty damn high. I lost a lot, of my self. I have suffered financially. Relationships strained. In a lot of ways I feel she directly triggered my 2nd episode of depression, which had essentially been gone - no medication - no depression - for over 12 years years.
She lied to me constantly, about small things, about big things. She played mind games. She tested me constantly. She manipulated me.
Years in, I find out she was trash talking me to her friends. And in the end?
In the end, she literally gave me a "grand send off". On a random Monday she calls to tell me she got drunk over the weekend, it's why she didn't return my call. She also, emotionless, told me she hooked up with some "guy" she met and had sex. Twice. I was literally destroyed.
Well, turns out, that wasn't exactly the truth.
After a little poking on facebook, I come to realize: She started a whole new relationship behind my back, which coincided with our relationship for months. Had unprotected sex with him, while we were still together (and having unprotected sex - she's on BC).
She put me at risk for catching STDs, possibly life threatening STDs. All the while, she has this new relationship, who she has been taking out, telling everyone in her group of friends we've been over for months.
So, once I figure out who he is, I message the guy on Facebook.
"Take good care of her- she's a great girl". That was it. He responds:
Wow Hi, I'm glad you messaged. All I can say is I definitely will. Shes told me so much about you. And I know you were such an important part of her life for such a long time. I know it was a hard break up for you both. But If you're up for it, I definitely would be open to chatting, maybe getting a beer sometime.I was like... .What the heck? How did you hear about me, all this, in one drunk night?
Thats how I found out. He told me. He was the one who told me... .they'd been sleeping together for months. He had NO idea we were still an item. ZERO clue. For like 3-4 months... .I mean, I was just ruined.
Here's the kicker. After I found out, or I guess... .after she realized I knew (I'm sure he called her).
I never heard from her again. Ever.
5.5 Years. I found out from him.
She just ghosted me.
So all I can say is, I know just how it feels. To love someone so much. To have dreams of a future with them. To share such a long past. And then in the end they treat you worse than dirt.
We started dating when I was 31. I'm 37 now. I mean, all the trips, all the pictures I took in my 30s, were with her. And she ended it like that. I can't even look at the ones I did keep.
I can only guess it's shame. She just can't face what she did. She couldn't tell me. So she on the phone said she hooked up, to try to just "break up". But it backfired. She never thought I'd figure out who he was, and find out.
She hasn't responded to a single call, text. Nothing- except one:
I told her I forgave her, many weeks later. I told her I forgave her.
She responded:
Ok... .But I'm not sorry. That's all I got. It's been 110 days.
Hang in there. There are better people, good people, people who would never do this sort of thing out there. I never would... .I'm guessing you wouldnt either.
I am convinced her BPD goes beyond just BPD. In the end (theres more but another time), I'm convinced she's a full blown Psychopath.
It hurts, I know. Time does heal. You said you are 6 weeks out. That's 45 days. I was still pretty rough at 50ish days. Still pretty rough now honestly. But a LOT better than the first few weeks.
I think around 3 months was when it started to lift a bit.
I long for the day, I don't think of her at all.
Hug to you.
