About to marry a BPD

[Worriedbpd]

My partner to be has BPD and it took me 3 years to finally realize what the problem was. At first I thought it was a whirlwind of a relationship and all have thier ups and downs but the rage and physical and mental abuse became so frequent I quit the relationship. After a 4 month break I came back into it with boundaries but I feel as time is passing my boundires are all being crossed over and I'm
Not being able to save myself. I love him a lot and we're finally planning to get married in a months time but as that is coming closer I'm getting more and more anxiois

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Worriedbpd]

Need help to make a decision, about to marry a BPD,  is that the worst decision I'm
About to make

[waverider]

 

Welcome to BPD family,l

BPD or not the fact that you are not 100% comfortable is enough to put a hold on it.

I held off marrying my wife while I came to terms with BPD and how to live with it and avoid the conflicts. It took some time, but eventually I took the plunge in full knowledge.

It is important that you go into this with a good working knowledge of how to deal with the extremes it can throw up. Wishful thinking and good intentions are not enough by themselves. at least it will help you make an educated choice rather than going into it by default.

There is no doubt that the dynamics are likely to change once you have made this commitment.

Are there any particular aspects that have caused you the most concern/

Would you like to share some of your past boundary issues? Often we dont quite  set our boundaries effectively

[Notwendy]

I would agree with WW that if you are having these doubts and fears, consider taking more time before making such a commitment.

The purpose of an engagement is to consider marriage. Although it is difficult to break or postpone an engagement, it isn't nearly as difficult as breaking a marriage agreement.

There are no perfect people- so probably nobody stands at the altar without some idea of their partner's strengths and weaknesses and that of their own. However, when there are red flags about the other person, they are signals to us to consider this decision. In some cases, people have seen the red flags before marriage, but chose to ignore or minimize them. Or they hoped things would get better after marriage- which turns out to be wishful thinking.

You have asked yourself "is this the worst decision you are about to make". I would propose that this is not what standing at the altar is about. It's probably the biggest decision we could make and if this is what you are thinking, then take some time to get your answer.

Have you considered counseling to help you with this situation? Individually for you, and /or as a couple? Have you had any premarital counseling?

Have you discussed big tough questions? Issues that people tend to disagree on? Religion, money, children, careers? How do you resolve disagreements? Are you able to resolve your differences?

Are there red flags such as addiction, violence, infidelity?

You've asked an important question: should you marry this man? I think the answer lies within you and taking the time to explore your feelings, your values, your boundaries and what you wish for in a marriage- and how you want to feel when you stand at that altar on your wedding day will help you arrive at that.

[bobcat2014]

Hi,

It is great that you discovered what BPD is now.

I cannot caution you enough about entering a BPD marriage. I know that sounds terrible, but this condition is for life and is extreme in every way. Many (or most) of us here discovered BPD, years after abuse, alienation and wondering what we did wrong. I would wager that most of us wouldn't have married IF we knew what this was. My role in the relationship is life coach, validator, butler, primary caregiver and parent in addition to husband. When dealing with a manipulative adult child, it is exhausting and lonely most of the time.

This is just opinion, do whatever you want.

[Worriedbpd]

U guys have all
Been helpful and that is what I was wondering . Am I crazy to enter a marriage knowing that the other person has BPD? If it was any of my friends I would suggest them the same things have u have suggested me. This is my second marriage and I don't want to get stuck in another crazy cycle. My ex husband was an alchoholic. But he was all over the place. One of the biggest reasons I'm willing to Seattle down is that in his normal state he is very good to me and most of all he can secure me financially and I will never have to worry about money. Is that the wrong reason to marry? I have a daughter to support. I work in media and he is the owner of a media house. But he has made it clear that I cannot work in media anymore, so it's a lot I am already sacrificing. And all that just to get financially secure. Am I crazy? This man has bee physically abusive with me in the Past which is why I ended the relationship shop. He has not done it again but has the tendency to. My biggest fear is that is he waiting for me to sign the papers and then will things go back to being abuaive? I love him so much but I gave up all of my work because of him and now I'll have to struggle again to get back into work if I leave him. I'm already going to therapy for myself. And I've read a lot about BPD and learning more. When u married ur wife was it worth it even after leaning how to cope with it? My sister is coming from the states and everyone is expecting a marriage next month. Am I being delusional that this might work?

[C.Stein]

My personal opinion given what you have already experienced, you should take a really big step back and take a very honest and objective look at what this relationship is going to require from you emotionally.  It is critical you understand what is going to be required of you to maintain some level of functionality in the relationship, short term and long term.  If he is not getting treatment it is even more important for you to do this.  Don't operate on blind hope, know exactly what you are facing before you make any life changing decisions.

[bobcat2014]

Is that the wrong reason to marry?

Only you can decide what reasons you have to commit to this. I make no judgments to what motivations you have. But will advise you to make an informed decision going in.

Heed the warnings of BPD and know what the facts are, not only basing the relationship off his good characteristics.These folks are wired wrong from the factory and there is no sending them back for repair. That upsets many people here, but it is the truth. Understand this going in. The tools and validation will make things better, but never will it be normal to where you can ever let your guard down. Never. I only wish someone told me about this 20 years ago. This is only advice, do whatever you want.

[waverider]

If you put it on hold for 12 months that in itself will be a test for how he reacts, which will be an indicator as to how he may react to other crisis or need denials that will ultimately happen from time to time.

What other people are expecting is of no consequence compared to what you may be letting yourself in for.

Financial security leads to codependency issues, meaning that it becomes disempowering. Being disempowered can lead to that feeling of hopelessness and being trapped when difficulties do arise. Especially when thrown back at you.

[Worriedbpd]

Last night was terrible for me. He had an issue because he thought I was checking Facebook and Instagram too much and so an argument started and it went on from one thing to another. Finally at 3am I said my head is hurting and I'm going to bed and left for the room but obviously my wishful thinking that he would let me. He came in the room and made an issue about something or the other he thought I was doing wrong and the argument went on till 12pm this afternoon until I told him I'm done and I need to sleep. But in all this argument and heated discussion I ended up telling him stuff I've been afraid to bring up. This morning he sat me down and asked me to discuss all insecurities and that he would listen without judgment. I told him everything about being scared of being around him of doing something wrong all the time of not being able to do things on my own and meeting my friends etc and he was more then understanding, why can't this side be the only side to him. He was ok with me going to therapy and said he will go in if he needs to for my sake. If only all our conversations were so civil and logical.but after the talk I am back to forgiving him for everything cause I told him everything I needed to and he has again promised he will give me space and 2 nights in the week will be my nights etc. is this another round I'm getting myself into. Am I fooling myself again and falling for the understanding facade. We also talked about delaying the wedding until we don't have insecurities anymore. I do love him and he's an amazing person but this disorder will always be part of him. Am I crazy to still take my chances. People run away from thisthen why am I not running and falling for it over and over again? I'm going in for a hypnotherapy session this week and next week he is going for a session with me. Atleast I have time to see if things are getting better I guess

[waverider]

pwBPD live and react to the emotions of the moment. so when they are being insightful and understanding they mean it and react accordingly. When they are emotionally triggered they react accordingly at that time, anything that was said or promised is completely sidelined as their ractions are determined by the emotion of the moment.

The problem is we see dramas as separate incidences and all we need do is get past the next one and everything will be fine. The problem is the cyclic pattern of behavior not individual issues.

To use an analogy: We think it is safe to build sand castles thinking they will last because the tide has gone out. The tide will come back and wash them away, and we repeat the process again, and again.  Yes building sand castles on the beach is delusional for anything other than temporary gratification. Eventually even the most persistent of us will give up.

The point is you need to find safe place to build on before you start building your future. Coming to a full and complete understanding and acceptance of BPD before you start is a step in this direction. You need to fully explore the feasibility of this.

[HopefulDad]

If you're asking this kind of question, deep down you know the answer.

[Worriedbpd]

I guess one sees the red flags only then ends up on a site like this. Apart from just fixing my partner and his issues I think I should concentrate on myself and why I always end up with the same kind of men, my ex husband was an alchoholic and now this. I dated a guy who was totally normal for 8 months with no such issues, he treated me well and never gave me any stress rather I always got what I wanted with him but I got bored with his routine and I guess I have nothing to fix in him, and soon as this guy came along I dumped him and never looked back, the chaos and project I had on my hands with my current guy was over whelming. But then again whose fault is it that I've landed myself out of the frying pan and into the fire. The only difference is that my guy has a very strong moral
Center and that gives me hope. But if it's not this one it will be the next cause I will always end up choosing someone with issues... .might as well try and see if this works... .any one who willingly married a BPD? Do they have anything nice to tell me? Any positive stories or is everything just negative out there?

[HopefulDad]

I guess one sees the red flags only then ends up on a site like this. Apart from just fixing my partner and his issues I think I should concentrate on myself and why I always end up with the same kind of men, my ex husband was an alchoholic and now this. I dated a guy who was totally normal for 8 months with no such issues, he treated me well and never gave me any stress rather I always got what I wanted with him but I got bored with his routine and I guess I have nothing to fix in him, and soon as this guy came along I dumped him and never looked back, the chaos and project I had on my hands with my current guy was over whelming. But then again whose fault is it that I've landed myself out of the frying pan and into the fire. The only difference is that my guy has a very strong moral
Center and that gives me hope. But if it's not this one it will be the next cause I will always end up choosing someone with issues... .might as well try and see if this works... .any one who willingly married a BPD? Do they have anything nice to tell me? Any positive stories or is everything just negative out there?

Wait... .am I reading this right, particularly the bolded, in that you concede you make one bad decision after another so you might as well make the best of this one and go get married?

[waverider]

The adrenelin rush of the upside is as much a part of BPD as the downer, except its more fun.

This is what you are addicted to.

You may feel "balanced" is dull, but this is not always so.

maybe you feel like you need your life buzz to be supplied by someone else as you struggle to provide your own.

I think identifying why these types of people attract you is a good starting point.

I knowingly married a pwBPD, but long after I worked out how to take any toxicity out of our interactions. Yes she is still wildly self destructive BPD and creates drama with everyone else. I have no delusions of "fixing" her. she will never be normally functional.

[Notwendy]

One red flag for me isn't about your fiance-  but about you. You did date someone who you felt was stable, yet he was boring to you, and you prefer people you feel you can fix.

Since you feel fated to choose partners like this, you ask,why not just go ahead with this one? But an alternative to this would be to look at why you choose who you choose.

It takes hard work to "fix" ourselves, but it is more effective than trying to fix someone else. Have you considered looking at your reasons for choosing people you think need fixing and how to make the changes in yourself to be in a more emotionally healthy relationship?

The other red flag I saw was that, while your fiance is financially stable, you would not be able to work in your chosen career.  Even if you chose to be a stay at home parent, would being completely financially dependent put you in a precarious situation with someone who has a pattern of being controlling?

Is there a reason to rush this decision? Have you considered taking some time for personal counseling to look at some of the reasons you choose who you choose? I think it is a good thing that this man has a strong moral center. There are no perfect people. However - if there are issues between the two of you, marriage won't change that. What if you took some time for personal and/or couples counseling?

[C.Stein]

The problem is we see dramas as separate incidences and all we need do is get past the next one and everything will be fine. The problem is the cyclic pattern of behavior not individual issues.

Agreed.  The need here is to look at the whole forest and not just a couple of trees. 

WorriedBPD, if you find yourself unhappy, emotionally distressed, etc... .more than not, then you owe it to yourself to question why are you doing this.  I used to believe my ex also had a strong moral center however that center moved around based on her needs.  It was one of the things that gave me hope and it also destroyed me when I realized how much that center moved around for her.

I also agree with Notwendy in that there is a need to look at yourself here.  When I see someone say boring I see a situation where there is no emotional upheaval, no emotional rollercoaster, peace of mind and heart.  You might want to explore why these things are boring to you, especially given where you are right now, on the edge of emotional breakdown.

[Sunfl0wer]

Well, everyone here has spoke so nicely and clearly about concerns regarding your own expressed patterns, choices and such.

So not much more to say... .
Except wanting to point out one area... .

He was ok with me going to therapy and said he will go in if he needs to for my sake. If only all our conversations were so civil and logical.but after the talk I am back to forgiving him for everything cause I told him everything I needed to and he has again promised he will give me space and 2 nights in the week will be my nights etc. is this another round I'm getting myself into. Am I fooling myself again and falling for the understanding facade. We also talked about delaying the wedding until we don't have insecurities anymore.

While it seems you are sensing things "need fixing" and seeking counseling and such... .

What I noticed is it appears your partner is not so intrinsically motivated as you are.

By the way you express it, "for your sake" he will attend therapy, makes me feel like he is NOT offering to go to address issues of himself, but rather, to help alleviate YOUR issues, YOUR insecurities.

So after you are married, THEN what will be the extrinsic motivator for him?
Almost sounds like the motivator right now is he wants to stabilize things so you don't abandon him.  So then what happens when things are stable?  When there is NO motivator for him?  Will he get resentful for having gone to therapy for YOU?

I don't hear someone who sees their part, taking ownership, rather someone willing to be a "good guy" and do YOU the favor of attending counseling to help remedy YOU.

Imo, relationships where both parties takes ownership of the dynamics, seems to have promise.

It wouldn't sit right with me if I felt someones motivation for working hard was to do ME any favors.
Maybe I am hearing this wrong?

[bobcat2014]

" One red flag for me isn't about your fiance-  but about you. You did date someone who you felt was stable, yet he was boring to you, and you prefer people you feel you can fix. "

Bingo. Here is a problem or at least potential issue. Don't feel bad as this describes myself as well.

[Worriedbpd]

Thank you guys for pointing out all the facts. You guys are right. When I broke up with him last year that is exactly what I figured out about myself. That I have this pattern of attracting caos and going after projects. I know the most difficult thing in life is to concentrate on one self and see what is wrong with me and that's exactly what I did. And am still doing. Hence carrying on with my therapy. I hear u guys loud and clear. And then I met him again and fell for him but kept my boundires solid. I guess I keep giving him bod because I love him very much and I try and kee myself grounded by not getting too involved in fixing him. I have become quite clear to him that he is responsible for his actions and I am for mine.but he keeps feeling I use him like tissue paper every time I do something for myself or make my own decision on something. And I'm tired of explaining myself over and over again and re assuring him
About the same thing. U guys have pointed out something great that his moral center does keep shifting. He drank himself to the hospital past few days and I asked him one thing. That do u even love urself? Because if u do, why would u do something that will end like this? And I ask myself the same question. If I love myself why am I putting myself through this ordeal. Is it all worth it. He feels he needs no therapy but I'm done trying to convince him. He can go or not go is his choice but I will go because it's my choice. His issue is Trust. If he can't trust counselors then they can't help him but he doesn't even trust my intentions. I curse myself sometimes for being in this position. I wish I never got back but I really do love him and love being with him and that's why want to try and make this work and help him get better because no one else in his life will ever do that for him. Everyone around him keeps saying he has an anger problem but no one has stopped to ask why is there this anger? And no one will ever figure it out either. If there is the slightest chance I could help him get better I'm willing to give it a try cause no one ever will. But my patience is slowly ending I feel
As I'm tired of justifying myself and my feelings and actions... .i want it so badly to be a win win but I'm slowly losing hope that this might just be a loose loose situation

[Notwendy]

He drank himself to the hospital past few days and I asked him one thing. That do u even love urself? Because if u do, why would u do something that will end like this? He feels he needs no therapy but I'm done trying to convince him.

This isn't about morality, but addiction. Someone who drinks themselves into being hospitalized is an alcoholic- whether he admits it or not. Denying that they need help and blaming their issues on someone/something else is a common aspect of addictions. BPD can exist with addictions.

And I ask myself the same question. If I love myself why am I putting myself through this ordeal. Is it all worth it.

Another person may seem worth the effort but efforts aimed at changing/fixing someone else aren't generally effective. But efforts to change ourselves can be, and we are worth it. If you realize that you are in a pattern when choosing relationships, you can get to the basis of that with yourself.

There are emotional payoffs and costs to most behaviors/relationships. I think it is important to look at our side of the situation and why many of us are drawn to being the other half of chaos, drama, addictions. Co-dependency is described as being addicted to people, and relationships. Why? At the bottom of any addiction is escape from bad feelings, escape from looking too closely at ourselves. There is a high personal/emotional cost to these behaviors, but the person does it because of the payoff, even to the point of drinking that much. Alcoholics harm themselves and their relationships.

The idea of enablers and co-dependency came out of the early years of AA. The literature reflects the gender roles of the era when AA was formed- but we know that alcoholics and their partners can be of both genders. The alcoholics were a group of men. They found they could get the men sober but their wives were making them worse. That was hard to figure out as the wives seemed so caring, concerned. From that - the observation of the enabling/co-dependent partner was formed.

I agree that there are red flags to an impending marriage. The hard part for you is to actually carry out what you decide to do if it is to postpone the wedding or to break up. I hope that with your counselor and the information on this board, that you will come to a clearer decision.

[Herodias]

If he has been abusive in the past and you took him back, he will do it in the future. He is an alcoholic and you cannot fix that. Marrying someone with a personality disorder for money is not the best choice. If I knew then what I know now, I would never have married mine. You are very fortunate to have this site to get advice from before you marry him. Go to therapy yourself and find out why you get into bad relationships... .I did the same thing. I think I thought if I was with someone who I could take care of, they would stay and I would not be alone. It doesn't work. Making it in the world is tough financially. Find somewhere to live that you can afford and live as cost effective as possible. You have kids... .I would think twice before putting them through what you are about to put them and yourself through. Go to Alanon... .the older people will tell you to run. You have many reasons not to get married and I think you know it... .The hard part is getting yourself untangled. Work on you... .talk to your friends and family. They would be looking out for your best interest. Sometimes we think they just don't understand because we are so in love... .but they see the reality. We must listen... .

[Mr. W]

Hi,

I am sorry for what you are going through. I am married to a person with BPD. We've been married for nine years. The last seven years have been very traumatic, difficult, and painful. I would have left years ago, but we had our first of two children seven years ago... .I've stayed for the kids. However, I can stay no longer. I am in the process of separating. This disorder never goes away. Please take more time to consider your marriage to this person. More time can't hurt.

Warmly,

W.

[Worriedbpd]

Thankyou for ur advice. Yes in a way I'm lucky I know all this now but also not so much luck as experience of being married to an alchoholic for 10 years that has taught me to do research and get therapy. I'm regularly going for my therapy which is keeping me grounded and learning new techniques. Have any of u heard of and tried the LEAP way to communicate? It's a book called I'm not sick, I don't need help. It's by dr Xavier amador. I've purchased the audio version of it. It's to convince people who need to convince someone of getting help. I love in pakistan so therapy is a taboo topic to begin with and we have no almond or coda meetings. I was in London for 3  months earlier this year and there I was attending them. Initially I had no boundires but I have started becoming very vocal
Of my needs. I keep in touch with my friends and family and want to try to work out as much as I can before signing any courtship. Because marriage does not solve any problem rather gets u stuck in more and add a child and ur stuck for life wether u live with or without them. I still have hope that if he can start therapy with me we might be in a better place but again that is just my hope at the moment. I wish I lived in a place where getting help wasn't considered so taboo. I am learning new techniques and practicing them on my boyfriend and some do give result but again you guys are all accurate when u say run the other direction as I would give the same piece of advice to u. Maybe there is a chance things improve , maybe there isn't. I guess only time will tell... .

[PFCI]

Last night, I slept on the floor downstairs because I didn't trust my wife not t aassult me whilst I was sleeping if I slept in the same room as her.

Last night, myself and my 2 sons were all subjected to various levels of emotional and physical abuse.

When ever I go into the garden, I take a wallet holding money, a spare key and my ID, in case she locks me out.  Again. 

But at the weekend, she was really lovely, and we were like a happy family.  But that isn't reality.  The other wife is.

That's what my reality is.  I stay to help and support my sons.  They are 9 and 7.  When they are bigger, older and stronger, I'll leave.

This is my life with a BPD wife.  It's not normal.  It's not how people should live.

[sad but wiser]

Those warning bells are there for a reason!  Protect yourself!  You have a right to change your mind!  You can say, "Things have changed for me, I'm sorry."  And you can walk away.  Trust me, they won't die or kill themselves.  They will scream and yell.  They might try to kill you, but not themselves.   

[Notwendy]

There are online CODA meetings. Perhaps there is one that suits your time zone.

The LEAP idea ( I looked at it briefly) has some similarities to the validation suggestions on this board.  Still, for someone to do the work to change, they need to also have some motivation, and also capacity for improvement. LEAP seems to be about all mental illness- I know someone who has schizophrenia. She really can not help the hallucinations. But she can do things like see her doctor and take her medication. BPD seems to be one of those conditions where people can have  motivation to work at improvement- but still- it takes time and work to get there.

You were married to an alcoholic for 10 years, and now, your fiance has drunk so much he is in the hospital. Alcohol is an issue here too.

[Worriedbpd]

With BPD comes substance abuse also. I wish it was that easy to say I've changed my mind. I will give him a shot and see if he accepts to make changes with me otherwise knowing a BPD they hardly want anything to change. ... I'm not married yet neither do we have a specific date so let's see how things go and if they continue the same way I guess it will
Be time for me to move on but I don't want to live with regrets so I will try everything before that to help him. I tried everything with my husband of whatever I understood at the time so it was no problem for me to move on I guess I got back with him because I found out about his condition after I left him so I had to give it another shot. Leaving my husband was easy. He had drained all the love out of me. Leaving my boyfriend will be hard but when push comes to shove I guess we all need to stand up for ourselves. I've done it once, I'll have to do it again. But again, not without actually trying to help him to understand what he can do to not only
Improve my life but his also. It definitely is a constant struggle to explain urself on things which should generally be understood in a relationship. But I'll weigh the pros and cons

[Grey Kitty]

we're finally planning to get married in a months time ... .

I'm not married yet neither do we have a specific date ... .

Which is it, or did it change? Getting married in a month is different than engaged with an unspecified date.

Are you and he both holding back on this, or is one of you trying to go forward and the other dragging feet?

You sound a bit confused on which you want from reading this whole topic.

One thing that might help is to make your decision a bit smaller--you don't have to either get married or leave him. You can take the middle path, and stay with him but stay as boyfriend/girlfriend for now.

[Worriedbpd]

Well Innitially I was planning to get married in a month but now I have kept the date open until I figure things out. Yes that is what I have done, let things in the middle. We are dating but in a place like pakistan u cannot live together until ur married and also ur families do not approve until ur married. He is dying to get married but I want to make sure of a few things so I have delayed the dates and don't know yet which dates will be final. Better to do that now then to regret later