Looking for others who get it

[Never give up]

Hi,
I'm new to this site and still trying to find my way around. Not sure how I even found my way here?
My 21 year old daughter has BPD and I am losing her. She has absolutely no will to live. She's not "acutely suicidal" but "a chronic suicide risk" according to the last ER doc we saw. He basically told me I can't do anything for her but hope she doesn't kill herself. That's not good enough for me, I can't sit by and watch my beautiful little girl struggle, be so sad and want to die.
So I'm looking for help. She won't do anything to help herself; no counselling, pharmaceuticals, natural supplements or therapies. She won't or can't get a job, she never finished high school, she has very few friends and none that she's known for more than a few months, she refuses medical care for anything including an ongoing lung infection, she won't live at home, she smokes a lot of weed and cigarettes, drinks a lot and basically is just sitting around waiting to die. I'm hoping someone out there has some advice or ideas. I've been to parenting groups and counselling and it's hard to find anyone who really gets what I'm going through.
Thanks!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi nevergiveup

I'm so very sorry to hear your story and that your daughter is struggling.

My BPDs25 was stuck in a cycle and couldn't find a way out. I felt, at the time, that if he couldn't unstick himself that we would do it for him. Here's a bit of our story:

With no skills, history of failed jobs and no resume history at 20 he had no prospects. His self confidence was at a all time low. We paid for a tree felling course and bought him a chainsaw. He managed to pick up casual work through a friend. We got him to pass his driving test (6 attempts) and bought him a truck which he crashed within 6 months. He worked the bare minimum to feed his weed habit and I didn't enforce our boundary of paying towards his upkeep. We couldn't see an end to it. He was existing and comfortable in it.

We couldn't throw him out.  We told him he'd got an inheritance and I gave him one months notice to move out.   It took about 7 weeks to get him out of the house. He used the money to go to the USA (he's got dual citizenship) to woof (work on organic farms). My son organised this himself and it's where You agree to work for a certain number of hours for free bed and board. He learnt a lot, found himself in very challenging situations, he emotionally grew; however he spiralled out of control within 4 months and finally got diagnosed and at rock bottom following a suicidation episode we asked him to return home (this was at 6 months).  With hindsight we were silly and wasted a lot of money; however, we did get a break from him for 8 months and he did get diagnosed!

11 months later, he is now in a very different place. I've learnt new skills here, I can validate and I understand his limitations a lot better. This forum has been our life saviour. My BPDs25 found work after I refused to give him any money, it took him three weeks of scrounging and borrowing money from a few friends he had. When he was working a few days per week regularly I introduced a small weekly rent contribution. I stuck by this and it took 6 weeks for him to pay me without a merry old dance each Monday. My boundary was concrete rock solid. Recently, he saved enough to buys himself a car so I don't have to drive him around anymore. This was a new boundary I introduced, I gave him notice and he only achieved this goal a day before my "end" date. But he did it. His life is turning around and I wouldn't have believed it was possible.

I've found that he had really matured in the last four years and I've read other stories on here where parents do see am improvement as they get older. I look at it as him being a very late developer. His life isn't what I thought or hoped it would be, but very slowly he is find a way to live.

He does not seek treatment. However I'm hopeful that one day he'll "own" his problem. I was very proud of him on Thursday as he asked to talk to me just to vent his frustrations about his existence, he made a significant wise mind decision. I just listened and told him I wasn't here to ease his pain, that this pain would continue until he decided he'd had enough. Life doesn't have to be this way I said.

How long has your daughter lived away from home?
How is she managing to sustain herself, are you financing her?
You mentioned the ER doctor, was this following a suicide attempt?
What was your daughter interested in when she was younger?

My advice is to look through the topics on the top right hand tool bar. Read all you can, practice the skills, ask for help here. Everybody understands, there's no judgement here and it's a safe place to vent; I'm learning to be the parent my BPDs25 needs and I can't believe the progress we've made as a family

Big hugs.

L



Crisis brings about change.

[Lollypop]

Hi nevergiveup

I'm so very sorry to hear your story and that your daughter is struggling.

My BPDs25 was stuck in a cycle and couldn't find a way out. I felt, at the time, that if he couldn't unstick himself that we would do it for him. Here's a bit of our story:

With no skills, history of failed jobs and no resume history at 20 he had no prospects. His self confidence was at a all time low. We paid for a tree felling course and bought him a chainsaw. He managed to pick up casual work through a friend. We got him to pass his driving test (6 attempts) and bought him a truck which he crashed within 6 months. He worked the bare minimum to feed his weed habit and I didn't enforce our boundary of paying towards his upkeep. We couldn't see an end to it. He was existing and comfortable in it.

We couldn't throw him out.  We told him he'd got an inheritance and I gave him one months notice to move out.   It took about 7 weeks to get him out of the house. He used the money to go to the USA (he's got dual citizenship) to woof (work on organic farms). My son organised this himself and it's where You agree to work for a certain number of hours for free bed and board. He learnt a lot, found himself in very challenging situations, he emotionally grew; however he spiralled out of control within 4 months and finally got diagnosed and at rock bottom following a suicidation episode we asked him to return home (this was at 6 months).  With hindsight we were silly and wasted a lot of money; however, we did get a break from him for 8 months and he did get diagnosed!

11 months later, he is now in a very different place. I've learnt new skills here, I can validate and I understand his limitations a lot better. This forum has been our life saviour. My BPDs25 found work after I refused to give him any money, it took him three weeks of scrounging and borrowing money from a few friends he had. When he was working a few days per week regularly I introduced a small weekly rent contribution. I stuck by this and it took 6 weeks for him to pay me without a merry old dance each Monday. My boundary was concrete rock solid. Recently, he saved enough to buys himself a car so I don't have to drive him around anymore. This was a new boundary I introduced, I gave him notice and he only achieved this goal a day before my "end" date. But he did it. His life is turning around and I wouldn't have believed it was possible.

I've found that he had really matured in the last four years and I've read other stories on here where parents do see am improvement as they get older. I look at it as him being a very late developer. His life isn't what I thought or hoped it would be, but very slowly he is find a way to live.

He does not seek treatment. However I'm hopeful that one day he'll "own" his problem. I was very proud of him on Thursday as he asked to talk to me just to vent his frustrations about his existence, he made a significant wise mind decision. I just listened and told him I wasn't here to ease his pain, that this pain would continue until he decided he'd had enough. It's only a tiny step to move towards treatment. Life doesn't have to be this way I said.

How long has your daughter lived away from home?
How is she managing to sustain herself, are you financing her?
You mentioned the ER doctor, was this following a suicide attempt?
What was your daughter interested in when she was younger?

My advice is to look through the topics on the top right hand tool bar. Read all you can, practice the skills, ask for help here. Everybody understands, there's no judgement here and it's a safe place to vent; I'm learning to be the parent my BPDs25 needs and I can't believe the progress we've made as a family

Big hugs.

L



Crisis brings about change.