Have a BPD wife intollerant of my upstairs renter..all of them for 10 years

[ScotJay]

This particular tenant is a B+ / A- tenant but as you know BPD people can find fault in any behavior and with anyone.

Thursday was the second time he resorted to calling the police after her shouting and slamming of doors on first floor got the better of him. He lasted about 2 1/3 years before his first police call.

People (including the police), wonder why I don't just get rid of the tenant. In the past I needed the money badly, now it's more about refusing to be emotionally bullied by someone who hasn't ever been able to co-exist with anyone for any length of time (she's also had a gripe our outright conflict with neighbors on all sides). I feel like getting rid of this tenant and income source is rewarding her behavior even though I know it will remove her most prevalent trigger.

Therapists (online) have warned me that a BPD person at their worst can damage property and also possibly attack while in a rage. I've seen some minor property damage over the last 10 years. I'm most concerned with what she may do to "expedite" this tenant out of here, OR if she'll basically be so upset that something physical may occur.

I realize I haven't really even asked a question yet. It's hard to get advice on this topic from the general population because of one of the truths about a BPD individual (that they are just like everyone else only more so). Non BPD people who have never experienced anything like it can always find a reference memory they have some something "similar", but they have no idea in reality about the prevalence and intensity.

I thought of a question. Has anybody ever had luck with a borderline conflict and bringing two or three involved parties into a neutral arbitration scenario? I feat that winter will bring an increase to these dramas as it has in the past once the weather and lack of light drive everyone in doors and the occurances like this just increase more and more. Any other advice you can offer is appreciated.

[Notwendy]

Hi Scotjay,

Welcome to this board and I am sorry you are having to deal with this. I do understand your experience with the "target" of your wife's anger.

Having grown up with a BPD mother who has damaged property when enraged, I do understand your situation.

I also commend you for sticking to your boundaries. What I have found is that, when we attempted to remove my mother's target, or do something she believed was the reason for her issues, and we thought it would solve the problem, then, there was another target.

Whatever she identified as the cause of her problems, was not really it. However, not being able to manage her own bad feelings or be accountable- there had to be a reason for them. If we took care of the reason, thinking that was "it", then it was something else.

I think natural consequences of your wife's actions are a logical outcome. The tenant may again call the police. Then let your wife deal with the police. Or the tenant will get fed up and leave. However, if you step in to solve your wife's feelings by removing the tenant - basically try to fix her problems for her, you won't allow her to manage them on their own- if she can.

I hope she doesn't damage property, however, walking on eggshells to keep her from acting out doesn't seem like a good solution either.

Perhaps some of the lessons for dealing with conflict and relationship issues on this board will help you with her anger outbursts.