Is it worth the financial risk?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey there!

Imma make this one short. We sought legal advise after BPDm refused to sign a permission for ss to get therapy.

The lawyer has experience with BPD parents. Dh and BPDm both have custody with ss living with dh and me. Other than that, they have the same rights as parents (except for child support). The lawyer advised dh to go to court and plead for full custody and is sure that at least the medical part and the right to decide where ss lives goes to dh.

It will be financially risky for us tough, as a psych eval will cost us between 5000-10000€. Plus the lawyer, plus court fees. Bpdm is unemployed and thus gets a lawyers paid by the state with no furher expenses.

The legal process will ear up all of our savings.

What would you do?

[catclaw]

Hey there!

Imma make this one short. We sought legal advise after BPDm refused to sign a permission for ss to get therapy.

The lawyer has experience with BPD parents. Dh and BPDm both have custody with ss living with dh and me. Other than that, they have the same rights as parents (except for child support). The lawyer advised dh to go to court and plead for full custody and is sure that at least the medical part and the right to decide where ss lives goes to dh.

It will be financially risky for us tough, as a psych eval will cost us between 5000-10000€. Plus the lawyer, plus court fees. Bpdm is unemployed and thus gets a lawyers paid by the state with no furher expenses.

The legal process will ear up all of our savings.

What would you do?

[livednlearned]

Hi catclaw,

Looking back at your story, it sounds like SS9 has serious issues because he was so badly neglected. His mom put him in foster care without telling DH   and he is behind developmentally. Lots of moving around, a lot of neglect, and he's a few years away from adolescence when things get hard socially.

Do you feel it's important to get the psych eval? What happened that led to SS9 living with you full time? In your mind, has the court been in a general trend toward rulings in your favor? What does the lawyer say about the judge assigned to your case (if your system works that way).

You have SS9 living with you full-time, so what you're really going for is decision-making, or what in my state is considered full legal custody. Is that right?

What kind of documentation do you have that SS9 needs therapy? What kind of therapy? How is he doing at school?

It's a hard decision, I know. Getting full custody ripped through my savings and landed me in debt. 

[catclaw]

Hey livednlearned

Thanks you for your answer. It's so cool that you remember my back story. I sometimes feel like it's so unimportant because people on this board are in greater trouble and I really appreciate it. Thank you!

First of all, I think the legal/ court system is a lot different where I am. So far, we haven't been to court because you need to prove that you have done anything possible outside of court before going there. There is another instance you're expected to go to, which is what would be CPS in the states (they also have a counseling and advising function here). As it turns out, we only ever made bad experiences with them. They were the ones to "legally" put SS in foster care, forbidding DH from seeing him for 6 months and lately advising DH to go into COUPLETHERAPY with BPDM now. We feel like now is the point where we've done anything possible to avoid court. That way, we don't know if they are likely rule in our favor or not :/ That's one part of the risk... .Our lawyer knows the judges that are responsible for the town we live in and says it's a 50/50 chance (one is generally very pro-mother and the other is basically neutral).

Regarding the psych eval, we will not have a choice. If the judge orders an eval, there is one to be made. I - personally - hope, that all of our written documentation (also correspondence, evaluations about SS, letters from lawyers, protocols from CPS etc) will be enough for the judge to get an image of the situation.

What happened to have SS living with us was essentially BPDm wanting more me-time. She started a part-time school (4 hours a day) and was getting a drivers license (about 1-2 hours a week) and thus wasn't able to take care of SS. So one day she came over and asked us to take SS in because her personal goals were so important and she didn't have time for SS. Needless to say, 2,5 years from then, she didn't finish school, neither did she get her license. It's weird, because after everything that happened, CPS still seems to think that SS going back to BPDm is an option.

The thing is, we have a custody law that is a little different from yours. Custody consists of different parts (medical, residential, financial, bureaucratical). BPDm and DH both have all of them. The plan is to go for full custody but it would already be a success if BPDm lost the medical part (and being able to get SS into therapy) and the residential part. BPDm tells him EOW when he's going to live back with her which ranges between next week and in 4 years and we want this to stop.

We have a diagnostical evaluation from SS' former occupational therapist, another one (including intellicenge diagnostics, motoric and developmental skills, a hidden visit at his school and the results, which is about 20 pages long) from a developmental specialist, we have his school results which explicitly state his need for support and we have a letter from the child psychiatrist we went to in order to be able to get all of the paper work for the theray together. It would have been a system-oriented play-therapy with a very skilled therapist.

SS is doing well at school right now. There's no way to compare him to when he started living with us. He has average grades, all of a sudden loves reading, gets along with his classmates but he has behavioural issues. He "knocks himself out" whenever there's work to do. Sometimes it's like he's dissociating. He has anxiety and sleep issues and while he's Ok with school, the teachers don't know how to work with him anymore, as he just doesnt care about neither praise nor consequences.

I'm generally a person who needs stability and a sense of security due to my own biography and I provide feel like it's my part to provide this stability for SS. I'm afraid that losing all of our savings gets a lot harder to me than it should.

[livednlearned]

I'm afraid that losing all of our savings gets a lot harder to me than it should.

I understand! It's not trivial to save money. You want to be careful with your money, and investing it in an uncertain outcome is hard.

If I'm following correctly, the psych eval is not necessarily 100 percent certain, it's just that going to court might mean the judge orders it, and you may have to pay?

These situations where lawyers want to go for the big package is hard. You want to be able to give SS therapy, and the lawyers suggest going for full custody. I understand where they are coming from -- sometimes asking for more than what you are trying to gain in the short term helps you get the reasonable compromise that addresses the current need.

The money is not trivial. I think you have to be willing to accept that it's a gamble, and make peace with it. I was in a similar position to you, except it was my bio child and I had an excellent lawyer and a good judge. I was driven by something that went beyond decision-making, some of it was guilt for what S15 had been through (without me protecting him) and some of it was blind maternal devotion.

I will say that the more you can do in the younger years, the better. Once they hit late middle school and high school, a lot of the difficulties manifest in ways that are much more challenging to address.

I wish there were guarantees  

[catclaw]

Thank you so much, livednlearned!

I mean... .I'm still very young, just about to hit my late 20es and, tbh, i really wish i could use my money (which i work 40+ hours a week for) for MY stuff - like another degree, estate, something to invest in for the future. Yet i see that ss will never have the chance to do so if it weren't for us to provide him with this basic safety and feel that, being married to dh, it is my duty to carry that load. Does that make sense somehow?

[livednlearned]

Thank you so much, livednlearned!

I mean... .I'm still very young, just about to hit my late 20es and, tbh, i really wish i could use my money (which i work 40+ hours a week for) for MY stuff - like another degree, estate, something to invest in for the future. Yet i see that ss will never have the chance to do so if it weren't for us to provide him with this basic safety and feel that, being married to dh, it is my duty to carry that load. Does that make sense somehow?

Yes, it makes sense. It comes down to your values, and it sounds like duty is one of them.

Does DH have money to contribute?

[cdizzle]

I mean... .I'm still very young, just about to hit my late 20es and, tbh, i really wish i could use my money (which i work 40+ hours a week for) for MY stuff - like another degree, estate, something to invest in for the future. Yet i see that ss will never have the chance to do so if it weren't for us to provide him with this basic safety and feel that, being married to dh, it is my duty to carry that load. Does that make sense somehow?

Not sure what you and your DH decided on, but I just want to say that you sound like such an amazing, kind, caring and SELFLESS person. Your DH and SS are so incredibly lucky to have you in their lives.

I'm not married to my partner (still my bf) but we are on track for marriage, and finances have been a pretty big deal for me. The thought of being limited financially is very scary to me (as you mentioned in a previous reply) and the thought of using my hard-earned money towards something like this (which I didn't directly choose, but am choosing by being with my dBF) can sometimes be upsetting. However, just reading your post was incredibly helpful to remind me that when I chose my bf I chose him for ALL of him, and all of the stuff that entails, including finances. It left me feeling empowered that by choosing to support him in this I am not weak (I can thank my own FOO for giving me the view of giving/love as weakness -- which I don't think is uncommon for people with BPD either, giving can be vulnerable, which opens you up to hurt/abandonment, so instead of giving the focus is taking), but rather I am strong for choosing love over fear (even tho MY GOD the uncertainty of what is going to happen in the future is scary, ).

Keep fighting the good fight, and I hope all is well.

[catclaw]

Wow i forgot about this thread and was surprised to see a new answer

Livednlearned, you are right, duty and responsibility are really important values for me. I had to learn them by myself as i never needed them until i was an adult and i deeply cherish and protect these values (and, like, everything i achieved on my very own) with all my heart. My husband is indeed able to contribute - he just doesn't have any savings of his own. When i met him, he was still in debt with a few thousands from the flat he renovated and bought furniture for when he was still with BPDx after she kicked him out bc she had a new lover whom she wanted to live with. He got out of debt a few years into our relationship. I am the one who keeps the money together and who insists on having backup money at all times. He's more... .carefree (that actually sounds too drastic, but I'm lacking a proper word) when it comes to spending money. We kind of balance each other out on this and are actually a good team.


Cdizzle, thanks so much. I appreciate your kind words. I often feel like I'm too selfish when it comes to  everyday things like "me time" and often doubt I'm doing enough. So i really needed this ) i (may or may not... i still don't accept the idea, but it's a actually pretty clear for my head but not for my heart) have a BPD mom myself, yet she taught me to be generous and the phrase "give and you will be given" (if this is how it translates) is deeply rooted within me. Not that i expect something in return, but that when i am in need, someone comes up with a solution or advice or help. This has happened in really weird ways so far, but i stick to this everything will be okay - maybe not the way i expected, but still okay.
We chose to go for it. Everything's on its way. Now we have to wait.

You love your bf and I'm glad you can see the risk a BPDxpartner brings as a chance to grow. I feel like doubts are something normal in our situation - so much depends on things we usually take for granted. It really scares me at times. But i know that dh and the little one are worth it.

I wish you all the best for all that you plan to do in the future