BPD adult daughter hates my husband

[T. Ann]

I have recently accepted that my 29 year old daughter has BPD and I have just started reading about how to communicate better, set limits, etc. My daughter is in therapy and is working through deep resentments against my husband, her step father of 11 years. She blames him for me having a relationship with him... .that he took me from her.  She knows she needs to work through her resentments.

My step husband knows that my daughter resents him. The few times we have all been together in the past year, she generally ignores him. He notices this and is offended. His feelings are hurt. He is also learning about BPD along with me.  During the past six month, my daughter has had several extreme episodes. My husband has watched me ride the roller coaster--and he resents my daughter as he has seen the pain I have suffered.

I know that I can change my behavior. I have hope that over time, my daughter will make progress.

In the meantime am really worried about family get togethers.  My daughter's boyfriend's birthday is coming up. She has asked if they could come to dinner at our house to celebrate his birthday. (My husband and I adore her boyfriend... .he is a great person).  I told her that I am concerned because I know she is still working through her resentments of my husband. I want people to treat each other with respect and get along. She says she is working through her resentments but he has treated her disrespectfully when I wasn't around. (These are two conversations where my husband bluntly told her she needed to solve her own problems and quit depending so much on me.)  She wants me to defend her to my husband... .which I have.

My husband isn't willing to have her at our home.  He feels I should defend him to her. Which I have.  I feel very torn and in the middle. Not just this birthday celebration but also the holidays coming up.

I feel tremendous conflict inside. I recognize that I wrestle with fear of setting my daughter off and of my husband feeling that I don't value him.   I also feel angry with both of them.  I have even thought of just going away by myself and not celebrating the holiday with either of them but I also have two other adult children. They have both told me they are dreading the holidays this year because of my BPD daughter.

I know I have work to do using this program to work on my behavior. In the meantime, how have others handled these kinds of situations? I need to set boundaries but I can't see what they are right now.  Any insight is appreciated. Thank you

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Studebaker]

I too have a husband (stepfather) who has difficulty getting along with my daughter it's been an ongoing story for many, many years. I've spent many hoidays at my daughter's house without my husband. Then there were others where we were together. My daughter is 44 and I've been married to step-dad 20 years. For the last 2 1\2 years there has been no contact between them. I would travel by myself to see her and grandchildren. At this moment, she's not speaking tome either because i wouldn't sign for an apt. For her. She moved to another state. It's not easy. My husband has probably put up with more than the average stepdad. He's helped her many times, but he was the one who threw her out of our house and that's been hard for me. I honestly don't know what to tell you, but I do know there were times I thought about leaving my husband to take care of my daughter and granddaughters, but I know now that she could have turned on me in a heartbeat and I would have lost my husband. Our marriage iis fine except for issues with my daughter. Being in the middle is horrible. My husband would come to me with his complaint s about my daughter. I wouldn't tell her because i would make excuses for her and was afraid of her anger in hindsight, I should had not put myself in the middle and suggest that he speak directly to her.