Am I a jerk if I am not willing to do what it takes...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I go to a workshop. I see the acronym or process (SET, DEARMAN, Validation) and I try to put it in action and only get so far before I falter.  I study the acronym more but now I feel apathy.

I am so tired. I don't want to do this.

Does this make me a jerk?  Does it mean that I don't love my husband enough? Does it mean I never really loved my husband, just responded to how he reacted to me?

I know that it is ok to not deny my own needs or endure emotional abuse or to let him fail. I guess I mean, what does it mean to not be willing to learn and do everything possible to make this work? Clearly some people find a way to use these and have it work. 

Maybe there is no ultimate significance, just different choices by different people. But why I make MY choice matters, right?

[Foolishwizdom]

I go to a workshop. I see the acronym or process (SET, DEARMAN, Validation) and I try to put it in action and only get so far before I falter.  I study the acronym more but now I feel apathy.

I am so tired. I don't want to do this.

Does this make me a jerk?  Does it mean that I don't love my husband enough? Does it mean I never really loved my husband, just responded to how he reacted to me?

I know that it is ok to not deny my own needs or endure emotional abuse or to let him fail. I guess I mean, what does it mean to not be willing to learn and do everything possible to make this work? Clearly some people find a way to use these and have it work. 

Maybe there is no ultimate significance, just different choices by different people. But why I make MY choice matters, right?

[helpinghimorme]

Just read your post and I am in the same place after 11 years.  He isn't willing to recognize that he has a problem and after cheating several times, I can't live like this. 

[westexy]

I have been experiencing a similar feeling  - not wanting to do everything it takes to make things better long term. Not that I don't have it in me. I'm not sure about that. But the feeling that I am not willing to live following so many detailed rules of communication for the rest of my life, especially when that may or may not improve things significantly.

I think I am willing to try, but only if my spouse also tries. The old me - even six months ago - would have labeled myself a jerk or a horrible mother or a weak person - but the more awake me says no. I'm human with my own needs and I deserve to live in a safe environment alone or with others who can show they care about me, or at a minimum, not attack me and try to destroy me.

No, you are not a jerk.

[helpinghimorme]

Mine is now holding on to his new affair partner and I am getting the silent treatment unless he needs something from the house.  (He is living with his dad until he moves into his new place next week)  I had asked him to leave because he was walking around the house trying to choose between me or her.  I couldn't stand to see it anymore. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Foolishwizdom, No, you're not a jerk.  Everyone has their limits and it seems like maybe you've reached one, which is OK.  Rather than acknowledge my own limitations, I ran myself into the ground in a marriage to a pwBPD and nearly destroyed myself in the process.  Not fun, believe me!  I find it healthy to recognize that there is only so much one can do in a BPD r/s.  I thought that I had the stamina to crack the BPD code, but ultimately BPD proved too complex for me.  My T once asked me if I thought I had tried everything?  I responded, Yes.  She said, I think so, too!  That was a lightbulb moment for me.   

LuckyJim

[Foolishwizdom]

Thanks for the reassurances. I find myself needing that more this week as I contemplate patterns and boundaries.

He said he was sad for the first time today (I shared on another board that we lost a pregnancy for the second time this past week which has triggered my husband and me.)

We tried to have breakfast together and it didn't go well. I ended up in tears and withdrawing. He raged a bit.

But then we had this conversation where we almost acknowledged that we were both trying as hard as we can. That our struggles are not intentional wounding of one another. We ended in a gentler place - no promises. I have still been weepy at times today because it feels like we are slowly acknowledging that perhaps we have both reached a limit.

His behavior still isn't ok and I still don't know that I can be healthy and be that nonBPD partner. But I at least didn't feel like a jerk.

I am wondering - will he still be in that gentler place when he gets home?

[Kelli Cornett]

Hey Foolishwizdom, No, you're not a jerk.  Everyone has their limits and it seems like maybe you've reached one, which is OK.  Rather than acknowledge my own limitations, I ran myself into the ground in a marriage to a pwBPD and nearly destroyed myself in the process.  Not fun, believe me!  I find it healthy to recognize that there is only so much one can do in a BPD r/s.  I thought that I had the stamina to crack the BPD code, but ultimately BPD proved too complex for me.  My T once asked me if I thought I had tried everything?  I responded, Yes.  She said, I think so, too!  That was a lightbulb moment for me.   

LuckyJim

What a great comment.

Especially for us men, I think we tend to think of 'fixing' our W's BPD like fixing a car or an appliance.
BPD simply doesn't work like that. Even with doing all the right things and validating everything they do and say, if they aren't willing to come to terms with what's going on with them and go through the extensive process of dealing with it in T, it's not getting 'fixed'.

[PFCI]

I completely understand how you feel.  I'm using the tools, and things are getting better, and by that I mean less terrible.  But yesterday was another huge rage event, and I was thinking "Life shouldn't be like this.  I shouldn't have to live the rest of  my life like this.". 

My wife will never get better.  My choice is living with a complex set of rules in an attempt to make life somewhat normal (although it's probably impossible), or leave. 

Much as I love my wife, I'm gonna have to leave at some point.

[ThinksTwice]

Wow, it is good to read this thread and at least know I have company. :-)  I'm a new member and will introduce myself separately, but wanted to share my thanks and similarities here. I have been married to a uBPD man for >15 years, and learned about BPD a year of two ago. It explains a lot.

I have to admit that I find much of what  i've read on this site exhausting and depressing-it sounds like it would take extreme measures,  very different from my normal and preferred way of thinking and communicating, to get even as far as living more or less  peacefully together.

I guess what I feel is that over the many years of our relationship together,  me being me has not resulted in him feeling secure and satisfied. I feel like I would have to be "not me" in order to not trigger his abandonment fear,  perception of himself as a victim, and self-centered, aggressive response.

And being "not me", even following what is surely good advice and with the goal of saving our relationship, sounds like something I don't think I can do, and I don't want to do.   On the one hand yes acknowledging your own limits is important. On the other not feeling like I want to have to go to such an effort to accommodate/pacify/deal with him makes me feel mighty guilty--while I'd be quick to say you're not a jerk, it's not easy to be quite so generous with myself. I feel like one.

I want to leave, and I am angry at myself for not being able to "fix it", and for not leaving years ago.  And I feel tremendously bad and guilty for putting our son through the stress of an unhappy home or the stress of a divorce and who knows what amount of happiness or un- in two homes.  

So, yes, I wonder if I am a jerk too.  We're probably not,  but it's sure a lousy feeling to grapple with. Hang in there.

TT

[Foolishwizdom]

As I have gotten stronger and more rested from my hospital time, my dBPDh has calmed and gone on like things never happened.

I am torn. One part of me wants normalcy and to go back to believing we can be stable if quirky. I want to live into our renewed calm but another part of me seems to be screaming "don't forget"

Husband just asked what I am doing. I told him I was on here. It has been fine before but tonight it triggered.

Instant reminder.

[Foolishwizdom]

**UPDATE** Just as I thought the conversation was simply a recycle where I tried to name needs and reassert boundaries ( or just the concept ) and my concern over him stopping therapy. I said going to therapy was his decision. My decision was whether "functioning" marriage where my feelings and emotional support were denied and called "bull___" was healthy and ok with me.

He mentioned the vagueness of connection, empathy, compassion so I validated that then listed specifics like asking about me & listening, physical touch like a hug or rubbing my back, encouragement when I do something new or positive to combat anxiety, or acts of service or comfort. His eyes were glazing and he stood up before I finished my sentence and I thought he was walking out.

Instead he came over and put his hand on my shoulder and leaned down to kiss me gently. I looked up and his eyes were gentle too and he kissed me again and I burst into tears. He was surprised and I just said, You were listening! Thank you for listening! He still didn't know what to do with my tears so I just asked him to hold me for a moment and I cried into his neck for a moment. Then we said goodnight.

Not a reclusion of the hanging questions but it feels like something got through. And demonstrates how starved I am for loving-kindness right now. This was both encouraging and confusing.

I still have to wrestle with accepting that he may not be able to meet my emotional support needs and that I will not be a healthy person without that. Is there ever a gentle breakup or "conscious uncoupling" with BPD partners?

[Warcleods]

I can't speak for you, but I was a jerk for dismissing my own feelings to completely appease someone else.  Healthy relationships are interdependent, not codependent.