CPS

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Ed has referred me to CPS again, alleging that I am neglecting our kids by refusing for them to have therapy.  Ex previously used kids therapy for herself.  School recently gave my 6 year old daughter seven months of therapy without telling me.  Plus, Ed says she has applied to family courts, presumably for more custody.  

I have offered to arrange therapy for them, if they need it.  But, ex declined.

It's all stress.  Probably no answer, and just have to brace myself.

[SES]

Ed has referred me to CPS again, alleging that I am neglecting our kids by refusing for them to have therapy.  Ex previously used kids therapy for herself.  School recently gave my 6 year old daughter seven months of therapy without telling me.  Plus, Ed says she has applied to family courts, presumably for more custody.  

I have offered to arrange therapy for them, if they need it.  But, ex declined.

It's all stress.  Probably no answer, and just have to brace myself.

[livednlearned]

Sorry to hear, friend. You have been through the wringer, over and over. This must feel like a nightmare that won't end.

Surely with the past CPS allegations not amounting to much this one will go into the same file with the same result?

What is your relationship like with the people at school? What kind of therapy did they see fit to give your daughter?

In my state, it would be very hard for one parent to arrange therapy with such a thick file of high-conflict between the parents. Maybe it is different in the UK?

Do you feel that you are gaining some strength back as you get distance? It took me several years to get the kind of perspective, distance, and emotional health to not feel re-traumatized every time something happened with my ex. I can see now that strong boundaries were the key to everything, and that has made them easier to create. Walls are pretty thick at this point 

[ForeverDad]

Sorry to hear, friend. You have been through the wringer, over and over. This must feel like a nightmare that won't end.

Surely with the past CPS allegations not amounting to much this one will go into the same file with the same result?

Eventually it will end, though it may take time, perhaps years.  Frankly, you can't stop someone from making child abuse, neglect or endangerment allegations.  But without substantiation, each allegation builds a history of another "case closed".  That will be a history harder and harder for the Ex to overcome.  But she can still file, think of whistleblower status, that's out of your control.  And as I wrote during the days when I too was facing repeated allegations, "Who knows, it's as though maybe just maybe on the 100th allegation there might be a hint of basis for the report."

Your Ex is reporting from her perspective and goals.  The system knows either or both parents can be understating the truth and exaggerating the claims.  That's why trained and hopefully emotionally neutral professionals are tasked with investigating the reports.  Be sure to provide your documentation and always take the stance that you're not obstructive and have your child's best interests in mind.  The child (a minor) is more important than either parent (adults).  Be seen as the Problem Solver, not the Problem or Complainer.

[SES]

Thank you both!

I have been very surprised at how traumatising it feels, and how all the feelings of past incursions have come back in full force.  Poor sleep again, and loss of appetite... .been here before. 

Turns out she hadn't made a court application.

The allegations... .fortunately are not on the scale of previous allegations. Although, will have to wait and see what the cps think of it all.  I did point out that I had instigated mediation, which she didn't follow through on, and that I have offered to go back to mediation.

Yesterday she asked to meet me alone to discuss the kids.  Also asked me to go to family therapy with her. 

Couple of weeks ago she sent emails saying she missed my friendship, we were good parents together, she didn't want to fight anymore.  I didn't answer her.  In hindsight I think I should have acknowledged her. This might have contributed to this recent episode.

Plus, we are chasing her re divorce.  She is 6 months pregnant, so I would hope she is motivated to get a divorce.

She says she doesn't want to waste more money on mediation.  I have offered to pay her share of mediation fees, as I would prefer a lower cost alternative to a court case.  She is thinking about it.

The school... .well, I have problems.  Issues of their behavior in these matters, and giving kids therapy without consent, and... .lying.  The head teacher lies about my kids regularly.  More recently in writing, which causes problems for the school and for me.  I have complained about it, and had no response from the school or governors.  Governors have asked to meet me in a neutral location with an independent chair to resolve matters... .outside their own policies.  I have said, happy to meet, but you still need to deal with these issues.  The head teacher is an interesting character, who has clearly sided with my ex.

I had been managing the stress of the school quite well. The cps allegations have knocked me. 

I had completely underestimated the impact of this divorce and all the incidents.  It impacts on relationships, and how I view relationships. I hadn't expected that two years down the line I could still feel so stressed, and that there would still be chaos.  It is miserable.

Thanks for being there when I need support.

[SES]

Well, CPS are investigating my exes allegations.  They are seeing my kids tomorrow.  I have a meeting on Thursday.  I am unbelievably stressed.  I cannot believe that I am going through this again. 

This time the allegations are that I have contacted a counselling company and told them that they can't give therapy to my kids- false. 

And that I am neglecting them by failing to meet their emotional needs- false.

And that I am refusing to work with ex- false. 

A week before making the allegations she sent me an email saying she missed our friendship.

I have asked to go back to mediation a number of times.  But she has declined.  I have even offered to pay her share of the mediation costs. 

In many ways I shouldn't be surprised, but I am not sure how much more I can take. 

[ForeverDad]

I recall one of the times my Ex took our son to the hospital with allegations of "my son told me... ." that it was referred to CPS despite the interviewing nurse writing that the bruises looked exactly like normal active boy bruises.  (It was the first time she got him to parrot one of her stories.  She must have been very determined, she had just gotten news the pediatrician would 'fire' her and stop providing services to our son.)

Well, I wasn't told of the CPS arrangements beforehand but they saw our son, then in kindergarten, at school.  They considered it "neutral ground" despite mother driving son to and from school.  Fortunately they said he didn't support the prior story.  Clearly, he was unclear on what was a truth and what was a lie.  So I bought him a Clifford the Big Red Dog book, "T-Bone Tells the Truth".  It explained how there were consequences.

If the interview is in your ex's home, then it would not be neutral ground.  If they have a visit there and not one in with you so they could determine whether the story changes between homes, then I would think you could contest any unfavorable report.  Of course, we're not lawyers here, we're only peer support.  But... .very experienced "been there, done that" peer support!

[SES]

Thank you again.

I bought that book following some advice and support you gave me previously. It's a good book. 

In reality, there isn't much for them to go on.  In the recent past her allegations could have sent me to prison.

It comes at a time when I am rather emotionally spent trying to address problems with the school. Of note, I referred the head teacher to cps re his conduct in matters. Here in the UK there is scope to refer a professional to cps. Cps didn't feel it met their level for a formal intervention, but they did understand the concerns I had, so much so they have requested that the governors respond, and that cps will follow up to make sure they do.

I know these aren't the last allegations from her. 

[SES]

Referrals of professionals goes to a sub section of cps. I have forwarded my correspondence with cps to the social worker handling exes allegations.  I have found dealing with the school like dealing with the ex.