Building our resilience

[Lollypop]

Hi

This is just an observation about me.

I would have thought that after all that has happened to us, particularly in the last 10 years dealing with BPDs25, I would have built up an emotional strength and resilience to help me deal with my family.

I've got better skills through practising validation and learning about BPD. I've better understanding of the importance of trying to keep myself centred in times of challenges. My family relationships are better and I'm experiencing moments of clarity, distance and, I'd go so far as to say joy in that he opens up to me, as I watch my BPDs25 in pain struggling to cope with every day life. I'm hopeful that one day he will seek treatment.

Yet despite all this progress, I find I seriously question my parenting skills when dealing with my son16. I've read that it is difficult to "let them go" and that some parents are jealous of any new love interest. I've looked hard at myself and the choices I've made this last week so that I can learn about myself. Hand on heart, i haven't acted out of any jealousy and it's certainly not been about me not wanting him to be more independent. I hold my ha d up and say, I've never like his choice; she's a snob and looks down on people, including us.

I discovered that My 16 year old is having sex with his GF who is just 15. Yeah, so what. As long as they're using contraception I really don't care IF he was able to be emotionally mature enough to be in that type of relationship. Weve told GF's parents so they know to ensure she's on the pill. H needs to talk about our son about his own responsibility to ensure he KNOWS he's safe by using a condom as well. First priority - no babies!

His obsession with the GF. This is pretty normal. All first loves are intense and I understand that, to him right now, she is the most important thing in his life. I'm not jealous.

Put those points together and throw an iPhone into the mix and what you get is pretty constant sexting, focus on sex acts and a needy GF. So if she hasn't heard from him in a few hours she starts pleading. Neither of them has much space in their heads for anything else. It's a concern, but other than that, I can wait patiently until the day comes that something changes in their relationship.

GF's parents have her on a pedestal, she's their first teenager and she can dip in and out childhood as she pleases. Both GF and son16 LOVE her soft easy going parents. I've had experience of this with older BPDs25 and, again, I'll wait until the time son realises he does actually need us and that we not quite what he thinks.

I'm sorry for blabbering on. I find writing this analysis helps me understand why I'm feeling, processing, reacting to try and be proactive as I do.

What really hurts the most is the knowledge that my son will side with the GF in all things. The GF hates me and manipulates. She's actually a horrible girl inside. He's not so nice himself. If they were 18 I'd be happy to let him go.

Son16 had two panic attacks on Saturday.

This happened at the end of a week when we told her parents that they were having sex.  GF is obviously under the pressure at home, retaliates with hate towards me, my son reacting and protecting GF, he hates me too. They are covering their stories and it's become a game of name calling.

I thought I was being a responsible parent But am now doubting myself.

I'm wondering if I've got the strength to cope with the next two or three years with son16. Seriously.  My BPDs25 needs us so much, I'm not sure I've got the energy or resilience or strength to be the parent our son16 needs right now.

I think what he needs is for me to welcome this young lady into my house and make friends with her, for his sake. I cannot stand her and, we see our son is vulnerable given his tendency to anxiety.

I took him to see our family doctor yesterday and I got to speak to the doctor privately. I've encouraged son so that he now has access to somebody completely independent who can help him talk things through. Doctor reminded me that whatever I say will be ignored.

I keep reading the texts on the computer. I've now mixed feelings about what I'm doing. It helps me better understand what's going on and I feel this helps me deal with him if I can see he's anxious. However, their childish behaviour that is malicious, mean, spiteful, disrespectful and sickeningly co dependant is hard to take. H is very frustrated with me and says they deserve their right to have a private conversation. I'm confused.

My H and I have both admitted we want to leave and walk away. We feel sorry for ourselves as we learn we are proper rubbish parents.

Thanks for reading.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi Lollypop,

Our kids need us to be adults, and that doesn't always go over very well.

I remember reading a wonderful article about kids who grow up with parents who let them drink underage, at home. They have good intentions, to let the kids discover their limits in a safe environment. These tend to be the same kids who drink to excess at college, which in the US is a big problem that can become fatal, if not traumatic.

Parents who insist on their kids not drinking in the home (and not drinking until they are of age) raise young adults who tend to be the ones who experiment and then return to their parents' values. They have a compass point.

It sounds like you are providing that compass point, and your S16 does not like it one bit. That's hard, I know. It may also be tolerable for him to be angry at you, and so he vents and then he actually considers what you're saying, but your don't necessarily see him listening to your wisdom. If you have ever watched the American show Parenthood, there is a character who is constantly arguing with her mother, but then you see her taking her advice. It was a revelation for me.

I am not saying I would fare much better than you with a sexually active S16. I admit to having peeked at my son's private messages and while I cannot imagine my son having a GF, I would absolutely want the parents to know.

Raising a Teen with Love and Logic is a helpful book. It has ever so slightly a religious undertone (on the topic of abstinence) but the skills and philosophy are helpful when trying to love a teen who is coloring outside the lines of what is permissible in your home.

Does your son know you are reading his texts? I have struggled with this myself. In the end, i feel the best I can do is to state my values in the face of opposition because without that, we would easily lower our skill level to S15's, and that is not viable.

For me, my resilience is tested and tested and tested. Always something new. Maybe this is a test, you are not certain, and it feels that your strength is slipping. I feel you will have moments when it's clear and then moments when you second-guess, which is human. Returning to your values and taking care of yourself will hopefully give you enough of a reprieve that you can shore up strength and continue when things get tough.

 

LnL

[Lollypop]

Hi livednlearn

Thanks so much for your kind and thoughtful reply. I will get the book as I'm sure it will help.

Things a calm at the moment. GF refuses to visit our house as she "really can't see my face for about a month".  Actually, her mother has her on a tight revision programme and there's very little space in between her riding and other activities. Her absence suits me just fine.

Son16 seems happier and their texts aren't horrible anymore.

I spoke with BPDs25 and he offered to speak to him but I've asked him not to, just leave things to settle down. Bless him, he does care.

I feel stronger. I do not regret telling her parents as it was THE responsible thing to do. We will keep to our own priorities; further build a loving and supporting relationship with son, get him through his exams next may, encourage him to spend time in sport and with friends.  I will try harder with GF and only hope the relationship dies a death as they mature.

I will carry on reading the texts. They help me understand his feelings; regardless what they are or as painful as they are to read. In the meantime, I try and help him open up more and express himself when I can see he's struggling or,at least point him to his counsellor or even the doctor.  It won't be forever as I really do,appreciate it is an invasion of his personal privacy.

I keep a close eye on any BPD traits. My BPDs25, who is convinced my son16 has BPD, said laughingly "mum when will your admit he's as mad as you and me!"

It's good to get some humour back in the house. I love my men but so wish they'd leave me sometimes to get on with what I need and want to do; make art.

Thanks again, you're very wise

Hugs

[livednlearned]

On the topic of reading texts, my SO's D19 left her Facebook page open one day when we were doing a puzzle together. She left, and a message popped up from her mom with my name in it.

 

Very hard to look away.

I read back through the whole history and then went into my counseling session to absolve myself of guilt.

And my T said, "Lucky break! Let's hope it happens again."  

I learned so much, none of it to bring about harm, and it was useful in the way you describe, while also very painful. So many awful things in those texts, such a duplicitous and also worrisome catalog of sad thoughts, a lot of it about her dad who would move a mountain for her, and me, who tries so hard with her. I'm glad I know about BPD and can understand it from that perspective as it finally gave me compassion after recovering from the initial shock.

I took a step away from the dynamic to give SO and D19 some time together (she complains in the messages to her mom that I was "always around" and then when I gave her space, I was lambasted for ignoring her  

Resilience is a daily grind, we do our best in the moment, one moment at a time. Funny that I tell my son he is meaner to himself than any one else, and I catch myself sometimes being that way too. Apple, meet tree