Trying to find a place to start

[New Start]

good morning. i am at a loss. my 21 year old son's behavior has had me beating my head on a wall for about 8 years.  It has gone from bad to worse.  He is depressed, anxious and self-loathing.  He is a senior in college and is studying bio-chem.  We have made it this far but i am not sure we are going to make it to graduation.  i am scared.  i cry a lot and feel like i am just holding onto him by his shirt tail.  i have read book upon book and listened to every podcast on the subject of borderline personality disorder.  my son was in brief counseling over the summer and it was mentioned he could have BPD and possibly NPD as well. there is no doubt in my mind this is what he is struggling with.  i don't really know where to start in getting him help.  my son often mentions suicide thoughts and i am frantic that this is even a thought in his mind.  when you do something to hurt his feelings, if you accuse him of anything, call him out on his behavior, prove he lying, etc, the repercussions are mind-blowing.  he actions and words are completely inappropriate when he is mad or hurt.  his girlfriend of 4 years broke up with him in May.  she still loves him but could no longer take his mental abuse.  she knows he needs help.  this breakup has sent my son into a crazy place.  he texts her non-stop (she blocked him but then worried he would injure himself) even though she never responds.  the thread of his texts to her are irrational, delusional, vindictive yet heartbreaking.  i am just grasping at straws trying to find other people that are dealing with the same thing as me.  i need direction and assurance there is help.  i very delicately try to discuss his inappropriate words/behavior but am so, so, so careful in fear of his vindictive response.  he is manipulative and ruthless when he is mad.  (and super sweet and loving a good part of the time)  i know i have rambled a bit and my thoughts are all over the place.  my son needs help and honestly, so do i.  i am beyond exhausted and my heart is breaking for my boy. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello New Start and welcome.  While my story is different than yours and all I am able to give you is  a welcome and a (hug)... .I am sure there will be others posting who will be able to give you different support. 

Hopefully in writing your first post you have felt some relief... .just putting your pain into words... .having your feelings validated by others who read it.  I do relate to you when write about "crying a lot... .exhausted and my heart is breaking for my boy."  We are Moms... .will always be Moms... .and, sadly, for some of us the road is a rough one.

Keep posting, New Start, and take the time to do your homework with the information you will get here.  Most important... .make sure to look after yourself.  As instructed when you get on a plane, if the oxygen masks come down, make sure to put one on yourself first so that you can then deal with others.