Open letter to those on the fence with leaving

[bobcat2014]

I have been married 20+ years to a uBPDw. Like most here, as the non, I have endured massive debt, affairs, gas lighting and becoming someone else myself. I thought this was always my fault and accepted the blame for her unhappiness and failure as a husband. At this point in my life, I am probably more screwed up in the head than she is.

You can try medications, therapy and the entire kitchen sink approach. But this will not change who they are. It may get a little better, but never, ever going to be a normal loving relationship. NEVER.

As a result of "weathering the storm" for our kids and sticking with my "death do us part" upbringing, I see my children now having problems in their own relationships as young adults. My smart, beautiful daughter, fails to give up on her abusive, loser, drug dealing boyfriend. She is following the poor relationship model I demonstrated to her throughout her early life and "making it work". It breaks my heart for her, that I didn't leave years ago.

I cannot advise you on what to do with your own situation. I know I would lose everything and everyone by leaving at this point in life. She would burn me down to the ground. During the bad times, I would actually wish for an aggressive cancer to just hurry this thing up.

Best of luck to you all.

[PFCI]

May I ask why you can't leave now? My kids are young, so I'll stick around for a while, but eventually I'll have to leave. Why do you stick with it?

[Notwendy]

Hi Bobcat,

One of the sad outcomes of these types of relationships is that they can be intergenerational. Families exist as a unit in themselves, a system that tends to balance itself as a combination of all the members. When one member has a disorder, the others can take on behaviors that are dysfunctional as well. Kids can grow up with this as role models, and also take on behaviors that help them survive in their family unit.

The good news is that, if a person has learned maladaptive behaviors, they can unlearn them. This isn't easy, and it takes time, commitment, and personal work- but it can be done.

It may feel like too late for you or your daughter, but it is not ever too late to learn new behaviors if you want to do that (one has to want to do it) and while you may have modeled dysfunctional behaviors for your daughter, you can now also model seeking help and making personal changes. You can't control her choices or what she wants to do, but you can model the possibility- and she may see that. Regardless of what she chooses, the benefits of your growth and change are for you.

It is hard to take time for this when children are little, but now that they are grown, perhaps now there is time for you to take care of you. You mentioned that you felt more messed up than your wife, well- you can seek help to work on yourself. Perhaps then, the decisions you wish to make will seem clearer to you and you would have the strength to make them, whatever they are.

You say that leaving would involve losing everything you have, but if you feel you have lost yourself, then what do you have? Before making a decision, you can take steps to regain yourself. This involves taking the focus off the attempt to fix your wife's disorder, wanting her to change, and turning it on to repairing you.

[bobcat2014]

May I ask why you can't leave now? My kids are young, so I'll stick around for a while, but eventually I'll have to leave. Why do you stick with it?

The fear of ongoing constant conflict. Not seeing my granddaughter. Facing her at the kids family events. A lifetime of alimony.  I don't care about losing the stupid little things I still hold onto to keep me distracted, but at 45 years old I still have major abandonment issues from being enmeshed. I wouldn't rate highly as re-marriage material, nor want to drag someone "normal" into this mess. When I did "chat" with someone... .I learned she was a diagnosed borderline. I am a BPD magnet.

[bobcat2014]

You say that leaving would involve losing everything you have, but if you feel you have lost yourself, then what do you have? Before making a decision, you can take steps to regain yourself. This involves taking the focus off the attempt to fix your wife's disorder, wanting her to change, and turning it on to repairing you.

Thanks Wendy.

I always valued your insight and responses. Good to hear from you. Honestly, I wouldn't know where to start. I have worn a mask for so long I almost forgot who I really am. I hide this situation so well. Nobody outside my family would ever believe she deserved to be left. She would make sure I was repaid for this.

[Hmcbart]

I feel your pain bobcat and I understand exactly how you feel.  I'm in almost the exact same situation.  I have had the same thoughts about dying from cancer or something else being my only way out.  I am also noticing things in my kids behavior but more importantly, they are noticing my wife's behaviors.  I used to be an enabler and would help make excuses to explain away some of her behaviors.  I don't do that anymore.  I'm also 45 and we've been together almost 21 years.  I can't figure out how I was so blind for 17 of those years.  I can see the truth of everything now. 

I also share your fear of being destroyed if I divorce her.  I know her vindictive side all to well. I know enough that it's not a battle I'm willing to fight right now while the kids are young.  She would quickly use them to hurt me in any way possible, she's tried before. 

I also am learning who I am again. I find it difficult to be around normal people.  Not sure what to say out of fear of it being misinterpreted.  When I'm with her around normal people I just stay quiet because any I say or do will be used against me in the future. 

I have only recently (last 6 months or so) actually opened up to anyone I know about what things are really like.  Even people we've known for years didn't believe me at first.  Then I showed them some texts I've recieved in the past and they are dumbfounded.  I have been a great enabler and very good at projecting a good public image. 

I can't say how things will end for me or for you. One thing I have come to learn is that those of us who have endured this for so many years are remarkably strong people otherwise we wouldn't have survived.  I'm hopeful that you and I and people like us can learn to use that strength to better ourselves and our families.  We have it in us, we just have to find it again.  I'm trying to do that now.  It's a slow process and there is lots of fear involved.  Sorry for rambling here.  Just know that there are people out there to help, I'm looking for them also, but I know they are there. 

[Notwendy]

Hi Bobcat,

Thanks for the kind words. I am glad to have been of help to other posters.

I understand the idea of leaving is daunting, and it may or may not be the right choice for each individual- which is why I don't "tell" someone to do it. I also observed my father's situation with BPD mother and know that he had to make his own choices, no matter what anyone else though. He would be the one to deal with that and the cost/benefits.

Growing up in that family, I think my first steps were on eggshells. Co-dependency and complete appeasement of my BPD mom were all we knew growing up. It was our "normal". I understand how this can make us magnets for disordered partners. I may have had a neon sign pointing at me === ":)oor Mat" and so recreated a lot of the same patterns as my parents in my marriage.

I get the fear of retaliation. I did set boundaries on my mother, and yes, she retaliated, which was emotionally rough. I also faced climbing out of a co-dependency hole in my marriage. I had lost touch with who I was, had that mask on. A counselor coaxed me into going to 12 step co-dependency meetings. That was a hard step for me. For one, my H hates the idea of me going anywhere when he is home in the evenings. He may be busy doing his own thing, but he doesn't like it if I go out. He would have done all he could to keep me from going but the counselor intervened.

These benefited me in so many ways. First, I was doing something for me, and even though I knew my H didn't like it, it was a step to overcoming that fear. It was a chance to not be isolated. It also was a place to take the mask off- cause everyone understood that. And my relationship with a sponsor was both helpful from the program perspective, but it was also a trusting bond with someone. That wasn't something I was used to. I also was careful to choose a woman for a sponsor.

It didn't have to be 12 steps. It could have been another group, or even an exercise group, but I tried that and met up with so much resistance from my H it was hard to continue. I resented the counselor putting a label on me ("co dependency" and felt it reinforced the idea that the issues were my fault, but once this idea came from a T as therapy, my H couldn't argue the need for it.

Baby steps are easier to manage. I didn't choose to leave the marriage, that could have been one giant leap and not the right choice,  but I developed the emotional strength to do other things for myself, to say "no" without fear of the consequences. ( I was not in physical danger).

I don't think we arrive at a point of growth- it is a process. I hope that you can carve a little bit of time for yourself. Also, for your daughter- I have been open with my kids about the groups I go to. I want to show them that there is no shame in seeking help. I think that them seeing me get help and stand up for myself has modeled something new for them.

As to meeting, talking to someone else as a solution. Well if we are aware that we could be magnets for disorder, that isn't a solution. Better to work on me, in or out of a relationship. If one chooses to leave - then jumping into another relationship right away can lead to the same problems. The decision to do self work is beneficial no matter what. And as Dr. Phil says " the solution to problems between two people isn't to add a third" .

[Lucky Jim]

Hey bobcat, Thanks for your courageous post.  It sounded exactly like something I might have written, had I not left my BPDxW.  In other words, I was once in your shoes.  I forgot who I was, which was not fun.  To paraphrase Dante, I was lost in a dark wood with no clear path out, which was terrifying.  I drained my resources in an effort to save my marriage and protect our kids, and nearly destroyed myself physically, emotionally and financially in the process.  It all came unglued six years ago.

Now I'm divorced and on the other side.  Leaving has been incredibly tough at times, yet sometimes the right thing to do is the hard thing.  Now I'm back on my path.  I'm in a healthy r/s with a warm and supportive person.  Many people on this site fear the unknown, with good reason, yet they seem unaware that the unknown is also where one can find greater happiness.

LuckyJim

[bobcat2014]

 I know her vindictive side all to well.

 When I'm with her around normal people I just stay quiet because any I say or do will be used against me in the future. 
 

Thank you for sharing that. I could have wrote those exact words. I am glad I discovered this forum... .

[bobcat2014]

 I'm in a healthy r/s with a warm and supportive person.  Many people on this site fear the unknown, with good reason, yet they seem unaware that the unknown is also where one can find greater happiness.

Jim, thanks for the encouragement. I don't know what is ahead for me, but happy this worked for you.

[bobcat2014]

the cost/benefits.
 
I don't think we arrive at a point of growth- it is a process.

And as Dr. Phil says " the solution to problems between two people isn't to add a third" .

Thanks again Wendy. I quoted a few gems from your reply.

I have made "some" progress, thus joining the forum and identifying what the core issue is (BPD).

I have also ran thru the cost benefit analysis of staying or going. It is difficult to cost out intangibles like feelings and emotions. At this point I am unsure how I would do alone. Before I married "the one", I used sex as a coping mechanism. It was the only thing that made me feel half way secure and valued. When we married, it was the first time I ever felt secure and loved. That lasted for the first year only. I don't want to go back to sleeping with every woman I meet, most would be borderlines anyway. It is difficult to figure out for me, as I likely have my own issues compounded in a BPD marriage.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey bobcat, From my perspective, You're making strides: you're here on this forum, and you're working the issues.  Let me ask a tough question: What would YOU like to see happen?  It's OK if you don't know.  It's easy to forget about oneself in the throes of a BPD r/s.  What I'm suggesting is that you dig deep into your core and figure out what is the right path for you.  When in doubt, listen to your gut feelings.  Likely to be rough sledding ahead, so get ready.

The road back -- my recovery -- has been a long, hard journey, yet I enjoy the challenge.  I try to lean into the sharp edges.  I guess what I'm saying is that it's possible to chart a course through the eye of the BPD storm.

LuckyJim

[Kelli Cornett]

Just wanted to post that this thread is awesome, and you guys are not alone.
A whole lot of bravery being shown in this thread, as opposed to the same old 'maybe if I validate her more, she'll stop emotionally abusing me' things I've been reading too much of.

[jonmnemonic]

One of the lies and manipulations in a BPD relationship is that you can't live without the BPD person. Nobody will love or accept you as much as they do.  It is just that, a lie. 
 

[ThinksTwice]

I have also ran thru the cost benefit analysis of staying or going. It is difficult to cost out intangibles like feelings and emotions.

Hi Bobcat,
Your cost-benefit analysis reference made me smile... .because I have spreadsheets and lists and have tried to apply endless logic to my decision to go or stay.  I know darn well that logic and calculation aren't going to solve it,  but I just... .keep... .trying... . 

For me,  the logical thing to do is leave,  but when it comes to telling my son (elementary school age) I panic and freeze.   (You can imagine the damage this does to my r/s)  I'm afraid my husband won't be able to provide emotional stability and support for him,  and that terrifies me.   Anyway,  I can report that 6+years of logic and wishes don't change anything... .

I wish you the best.   This stuff is hard, and most people in our lives have no idea.   We do.   Hang in there for yourself.  

[Lucky Jim]

This stuff is hard, and most people in our lives have no idea.

Agree, ThinksTwice: most people have no clue what it's like behind closed doors in a marriage to a pwBPD, because BPD is so far outside what others have experienced in their romantic relationships.

Anyway,  I can report that 6+years of logic and wishes don't change anything... .

Right, I tried to reason w/my BPDxW, to no avail.  When it comes to BPD, Logic has little or no application, in my view, because feelings are paramount.

LuckyJim