ex Blames me for child's attachement

[Flexion]

Hi, I haven't been on here in a while.  My ex and I split mid March, when she filed an injunction against me. I'm innocent, as you may suspect. However, because I implanted boundaries against rage, name calling, belittling, accusations, etc., she used an injunction to get me out and to "become the victim so effortlessly.

Anyhow, 3 months later and I am still under the injunction.  Because  I didn't agree to the money and time share she wanted in mediation,  my son was kept from me.

So, after 3 months, I got my son(3 yo) for the first time this past weekend.  He is partial (and always been) to me. In fact, part of the accusation( which turned to rage) at the end was that I was "whispering things in his ear to make him not like her."  When o dropped him off at daycare(because I am still under the injunction), he pitched a fit in front of the Director and staff. He screams" I don't want to go with mommy. I want to stay with daddy." I told him I would be back that he would have fun with momma. I stepped outside the door of his class and listen to him for 15 min scream "daddy. I want daddy!"  Crushing.

Anyhow, I left and messaged her that I had dropped him off and that his clothes were washed, as she does not have a washer/dryer. She replied 'thank you." Thirty minutes later, once she got to his school,  I got another message inc which She tells me... .

" you are so disgusting. You manipulate ad 3 yo to say he wants to stay with daddy. He is missing an outfit too. Me and other knew you would steal his clothes."

Is there any way to convince her  I am not doing this? What can  I do? this has been a battle since she recognized he is partial to me.

[flourdust]

If you have an outfit that was left behind, then send a matter-of-fact message that you found it and will drop it off at the day care for her to pick up.

Ignore the rest of the message.

It's normal for kids to see-saw in their attachment between the parents during a divorce. My D10 will tell me she hates me and she only wants to be with her mom. Then, when she's with her mom, she'll say the opposite.

[ForeverDad]

Your experience is so similar to mine.  Frankly, there's no reasoning with someone who isn't listening to reason.  As for the blaming, it is a Blamer's Disorder after all.  Do your best as a father.  And especially PROTECT YOURSELF legally as a man and as a father.  Don't admit to any poor behaviors.  Beware of pressure to make a plea deal since that usually means you admit to poor behaviors and such admissions may impact your future parenting.

My then-spouse was increasingly acting out, ranting and raging into the night and I couldn't divert her episodes.  Finally, when I sensed she was looking for ways to cast me as a child abuser or molester, I called the police when she had a particularly scary episode.  Though their default was to ask me to hand her our sobbing son and "step away", he saved me by shrieking and clutching me tighter.  My recorder was running before, during and after my 911 call so when I downloaded it days later the police listened and arrested her for Threat of DV.  The judge ruled that since she didn't have a weapon in her hands, her threats were "not imminent" as case law had modified written law.  Predictably, the trial ended in Not Guilty.  Was it because she was a woman?  A mother?  Her first time in court?  However, I doubt I would have gotten the same result if I, of the male gender, had to admit in court to making such angry death threats.

Our son was 3 years old when we separated.  At every court-ordered exchange he would come running to me  and be sobbing and struggling (to stay with me) when I returned him. :'(  Any reasonably normal person would admit the reality that he was a daddy's boy - and perhaps more - but she chose to distort reality and grill me, "What did you do to him?"

Well, when the various TPOs ended, she stopped allowing any father-child contact, not even phone calls.  For over 3 months!  Without any orders to the contrary, she kept physical 'possession' and her terms were that I had to accept supervised visitation.  Since doing that would have put me at a disadvantage in family court, I refused.  I filed for divorce but it was 3 months blocked before I could get a hearing.  The magistrate confirmed with her that she had blocked all father-son contact and was unsuccessfully trying to keep cases open with CPS and he stated "I'll fix that" and reinstated the temp order where I had alternate weekends.  No finger wagging at her.  No make up time for me.

Son continued happily rushing to me at exchanges.  After a few years exchanges were calmer, he was 'accepting' life with exchanges.  Because of her continued obstruction (in 2013 the court finally put in writing her "disparagement of father" I kept going back to court every 2-3 years for fixes.  Separated late 2005, alternate weekends.  Final decree 2008, Shared Parenting, Residential Parent for School Purposes and equal time.  2011 Legal Guardian.  2013 Majority time during the school year.

Family court proceeds slowly but since fathers (and many mothers as female members here report) have an uphill struggle it is important to get the best orders possible as early as possible in the separation/divorce process.  Listening to your lawyer who says, ":)on't worry, don't object, stay quiet, we'll fix it later" is not a good idea with a obstructive and oppositional (high conflict) spouse.  That's what my lawyer said when son's mother got the standard defaults to mother in the temp orders.  The 'fix' was not when the court's social worked recommended equal time, the 'fix was not when the CE report recommended that mother "immediately" lose her temp custody.  No, the partial fix only happened in the final decree of the two year divorce.

Perhaps this is a bit lengthy for the co-parenting board.  If you have legal and family law issues to discuss, it would be best to post over on the Family Law, Divorce and Custody board.

[Flexion]

If you have an outfit that was left behind, then send a matter-of-fact message that you found it and will drop it off at the day care for her to pick up.

Ignore the rest of the message.

It's normal for kids to see-saw in their attachment between the parents during a divorce. My D10 will tell me she hates me and she only wants to be with her mom. Then, when she's with her mom, she'll say the opposite.

Thanks. agreed.  He has always been partial to me, even when we were together. It infuriated her. Now that we are not together, I am sure that will be worse.

[Flexion]

Your experience is so similar to mine.  Frankly, there's no reasoning with someone who isn't listening to reason.  As for the blaming, it is a Blamer's Disorder after all.  Do your best as a father.  And especially PROTECT YOURSELF legally as a man and as a father.  Don't admit to any poor behaviors.  Beware of pressure to make a plea deal since that usually means you admit to poor behaviors and such admissions may impact your future parenting.

My then-spouse was increasingly acting out, ranting and raging into the night and I couldn't divert her episodes.  Finally, when I sensed she was looking for ways to cast me as a child abuser or molester, I called the police when she had a particularly scary episode.  Though their default was to ask me to hand her our sobbing son and "step away", he saved me by shrieking and clutching me tighter.  My recorder was running before, during and after my 911 call so when I downloaded it days later the police listened and arrested her for Threat of DV.  The judge ruled that since she didn't have a weapon in her hands, her threats were "not imminent" as case law had modified written law.  Predictably, the trial ended in Not Guilty.  Was it because she was a woman?  A mother?  Her first time in court?  However, I doubt I would have gotten the same result if I, of the male gender, had to admit in court to making such angry death threats.

Our son was 3 years old when we separated.  At every court-ordered exchange he would come running to me  and be sobbing and struggling (to stay with me) when I returned him. :'(  Any reasonably normal person would admit the reality that he was a daddy's boy - and perhaps more - but she chose to distort reality and grill me, "What did you do to him?"

Well, when the various TPOs ended, she stopped allowing any father-child contact, not even phone calls.  For over 3 months!  Without any orders to the contrary, she kept physical 'possession' and her terms were that I had to accept supervised visitation.  Since doing that would have put me at a disadvantage in family court, I refused.  I filed for divorce but it was 3 months blocked before I could get a hearing.  The magistrate confirmed with her that she had blocked all father-son contact and was unsuccessfully trying to keep cases open with CPS and he stated "I'll fix that" and reinstated the temp order where I had alternate weekends.  No finger wagging at her.  No make up time for me.

Son continued happily rushing to me at exchanges.  After a few years exchanges were calmer, he was 'accepting' life with exchanges.  Because of her continued obstruction (in 2013 the court finally put in writing her "disparagement of father" I kept going back to court every 2-3 years for fixes.  Separated late 2005, alternate weekends.  Final decree 2008, Shared Parenting, Residential Parent for School Purposes and equal time.  2011 Legal Guardian.  2013 Majority time during the school year.

Family court proceeds slowly but since fathers (and many mothers as female members here report) have an uphill struggle it is important to get the best orders possible as early as possible in the separation/divorce process.  Listening to your lawyer who says, ":)on't worry, don't object, stay quiet, we'll fix it later" is not a good idea with a obstructive and oppositional (high conflict) spouse.  That's what my lawyer said when son's mother got the standard defaults to mother in the temp orders.  The 'fix' was not when the court's social worked recommended equal time, the 'fix was not when the CE report recommended that mother "immediately" lose her temp custody.  No, the partial fix only happened in the final decree of the two year divorce.

Perhaps this is a bit lengthy for the co-parenting board.  If you have legal and family law issues to discuss, it would be best to post over on the Family Law, Divorce and Custody board.

Sounds like my type of situation. Thanks for the input. I just hired another attorney to shoot for 50% and lower my temp CS.

[Lilyroze]

Hi! Just wanted to say how sad you and your son have to go through that. Can you find a fathers rights group? Many times they can help you with the law and ideas, though I know you will have so much support here.

Also if you are in the US look into getting him a  Guardian ad litem. I use to be one with CASA. The court can appoint one.

A Guardian ad litem can be a child custody attorney, a social worker, a volunteer, or someone else with the appropriate qualifications to fulfill this adult or child custody arrangement. A guardian ad litem serves until a new child custody arrangement is reached or until his services are no longer needed. He is going to need representation so she doesn't say you or your attorney are causing problems, if possible. He/She must insure that an appropriate child custody arrangement is established for that child.

I hope you can get an evaluation done on her, sounds like it is going to be a very concerning situation for your son. I am not sure your action plan, but if she keeps detouring from reality at times, and doesn't have you for a target she can begin to take out on him.