uBPDw got a "injunction against domestic violence" on me.

[Flexion]

Okay, I have an uBPDw  for 8 years. SHe has been really violent the last few years. Due to conflict, I made the decision last week that  I would stay with a friend until she moved out, as we cannot get along(i.e accusations and paranoi keep drama constant).

I text her Monday night to tell her I would be there the next morning to take my son to school, which helps her. I showed up Tues morning to take my son to school and she says "there's dada! he's taking you to school. I pick him up and go into the room.  I hear her dysregulating about my communication. I shut the door in the room. She comes in there and starts calling names and such. I walk out for a minute to regain myself. I thought about leaving, but heard my son crying. SO , I went back in to get him and she started pushing me. I told her immediately that I was going to call the police.  She allowed me to pick him up and I walked out into the parking lot for the second time. At this time, she calls her boss  and has her on the phone. I am upset now for 3 reasons:

1. she acted that way again In front of my son... .again!

2. she called her boss to set me up.

Okay, I leave with L and take him to school.

That night, because she was so anal about "how" I communicate, I text her and said " I will be there in the morning to take L to school!" NO response. I went to the house that morning, she wasn't home. I text her how that it was wrong to withhold my son.

Anyhow, yesterday afternoon, I went to pick my son up after school to do our daily walk and such. Upon returning to our home, I am confronted by 4 cops and served with an "injuction to protect against domestic violence." WHAT? WOW!

I never touched her. She came in like a bull in a china shop and then went a lied to say I am the abuser.

I have went for a consult today. I didn't feel any better about the situation, so I came here.

What in the world?

COuld I use months of texts addressing my boundaries and why I set the boundaries( physical abuse)?

Please Please Please shine some light on this . I can't see my son for 2 weeks .he is partial to me and she knows this . Crushing me!

[ForeverDad]

Likely this is an ex parte order based solely upon her claims.  The court will have to set a hearing soon - evidently your two week time frame - where both sides can be heard.  Stand up for yourself.  Bring and submit documentation.  Find a way to print out your texts so they can be accepted as evidence.  Often courts don't see to want evidence entered but then that could be disregarded and a judge decide without including it.  Maybe the judges hope this will all blow over.  But in our high conflict cases that's more hope than reality.

Did she include your child in her petition?  If so, my ex did that.  I had just gotten a protection order in municipal court and so once she got out she raced to domestic court to get her own counter-protection order and filed for herself and our son.  That triggered a CPS involvement.  At the subsequent hearing CPS stood up and stated they had "no concerns" about me.  So magistrate removed son from "protection" though I walked out with only alternate weekends and third party exchanges in the resulting temp order.  Sadly, that didn't stop the allegations, it was just the start.  Gradually she lost some credibility but it took a year before anyone really took me and my observations seriously as a Father.

Now that the conflict has reached legal involvement, there is high risk that the relationship is Over.  Typically pwBPD view all ended relationships as abusive ones and those formerly loved ones blacklisted, they are in Denial about their involvement in the Failure.

Henceforth, I'd recommend you record yourself any time you have interaction with her, in person or by phone.  (Not waving a recording device in her face of course, that would heighten the conflict.  Keep it in the background.  I kept mine in my pocket or out of sight.)  How helpful that will be with police, CPS, agencies or court may vary depending on your location, but better to have some documentation supporting your version of events rather than "he said, she said" which could default to favor the female gender.

Sadly, be prepared for it to get worse before it gets better.  Your private conflict ("behind closed doors" just ramped up to a higher level.  Her Black-Or-White, All-Or-Nothing perceptions may impel her to chose sides and declare you the enemy.  What remains to be seen is how she will sell herself to the court - as a victim (blaming you) or the family needing counseling.

[Thunderstruck]

Do not admit fault, do not take any pleas or deals.

Is it an injunction or a petition for an injunction? She would go to the court and file a petition for injunction... .then she would have to get in front of a judge in order to get the injunction approved.

Do you have a custody order?

Judges listen to this "he said, she said" alllllll day long. I'm sure you're not the first (and won't be the last) person to be falsely accused. Don't get worked up. Calmly explain your side and your version of the events.

[david]

Make sure you get a good criminal attorney.

[ForeverDad]

Understand why our responses were so emphatic to take this seriously.  She has just ramped the level of conflict to a new level.  She has involved law enforcement — the police and the courts.  Yes, if all goes well, you'll get past this without much damage.  But the police will remember you and that they had to serve you.  The court will have a prior case to reference the next time she does this.  (In my separation and divorce we had cases in FOUR separate courts — Municipal, Domestic, Juvenile, Civil — and SEVERAL police/sheriff departments.)

Oh my, did I say "the next time"?  Yes, sadly... .If a person has contemplated or threatened to make allegations, then it will happen given enough time.

Believe us, the odds are high that after this is over you'll face this again (and maybe again).

[david]

My ex kicked our then 12 year old out of her residence, called me to tell me to get him, or she was calling the police and having him taken away. I went to pick him up. She accused me of assault and I was found guilty of disorderly conduct. Went to jail for two weeks and lost my job for 5 years. I didn't touch her in any way.

After getting out of jail I purchased an audio recorder and a video recorder. They are with me anytime she may be near me. The first time I went to pick the boys up after I was released she came out of her place, our court order forbids that, and started to walk towards my car. I pointed the camera at her and she  uturned back into her place. Same thing happened the second time. She stopped after that. I've been in court a bunch of times since then and she has almost always brought up the fact that I am recording and that is not allowed in my state. I get yelled at by the judge and that is about it. I ain't going to jail again because of false allegations.

Be careful.

[Thunderstruck]

My ex kicked our then 12 year old out of her residence, called me to tell me to get him, or she was calling the police and having him taken away. I went to pick him up. She accused me of assault and I was found guilty of disorderly conduct. Went to jail for two weeks and lost my job for 5 years. I didn't touch her in any way.

After getting out of jail I purchased an audio recorder and a video recorder. They are with me anytime she may be near me. The first time I went to pick the boys up after I was released she came out of her place, our court order forbids that, and started to walk towards my car. I pointed the camera at her and she  uturned back into her place. Same thing happened the second time. She stopped after that. I've been in court a bunch of times since then and she has almost always brought up the fact that I am recording and that is not allowed in my state. I get yelled at by the judge and that is about it. I ain't going to jail again because of false allegations.

Be careful.

That is exactly why we exchange at police stations. 3 restraining order filings against my DH (all dismissed).

The police have cameras in their parking lots recording. We record exchanges as well.

The second to last exchange uBPDbm was complaining about exchanging at the police station: "Why do you behave this way? I'm an adult who can do an exchange at [the grocery store]. I don't know why you do things like this it upsets SD11. I think you do it on purpose."

Um... .aren't YOU the one who always claims you're fearful? 

[ForeverDad]

Beware the 'fearful' tag.  Though unsubstantiated as hers will probably turn out to be, a vague claim may work in some areas because no judge wants to deny a petition and then see his case headlined as attack or worse in the local newspaper.  In their minds it's better to grant protection or restraint even on flimsy or no grounds.

What I did in domestic court when I had separated and not yet filed for divorce... .  (Yes, I still had a one last faint hope she might reconcile.)  She filed for protection and included preschooler.  Court granted her temp protection (TPO) but excluded son.  I felt terribly disadvantaged since the court was only concerned with her allegations since that was the only matter before the court.  When it got its second continuance, I decided to stay a bit longer in the court house and file my own protection petition listing my counter allegations to balance her case.  Eventually both were dismissed, but it helped me to feel less cornered and less targeted during those tense months.

Also, if the court is inclined to order psych evals, drug tests or any other action, be sure that they are ordered to BOTH of you.  Equalize it, stop being an easy target.

[livednlearned]

I have went for a consult today. I didn't feel any better about the situation, so I came here.

A consult with a lawyer?

What did he or she say?

[Grey Kitty]

 

I followed you here, and will defer to the folks on this board who have been through this; I've been lucky not to need legal action or live through this kind of stuff.

I do want to state one thing that I've seen before on this board--make sure you have the right lawyer on your side. This shows all the signs of being what lawyers call a "high conflict divorce" and not all lawyers are experienced or skilled at this kind of case. When you interview lawyers, ask them what their experience in high conflict cases is, and how they would expect one like this to unfold. If they aren't comfortable with that kind of case, keep looking, or ask if they can recommend anybody else who is more experienced to represent you.

[Flexion]

Thanks for the responses. I finally (1 week later) got the attorney on the case. She called apposing attorney and apparently my wife says I am a good man and she didn't want to proceed. This is what my attorney says. They want to extend the injuction for 30 days and go through mediation. She was trying to get me to go ahead and secure her for the divorce. HOnesltly, I think if I get the injuction gone, my wife and I could work the details out without mediation and attorneys.

Would you recommend I suggest this to my attorney? at this point she is just working on the DV case. I think thy are trying to "sell" me for the divorce, when I am not sure I will need it. Thoughts?

[Panda39]

I'm going to be blunt you have said your wife is violent and that is increasing and she has made false allegations of domestic violence against you. 

I strongly, believe that you need to protect yourself from your wife.  IMO you need an attorney to protect you and your rights (If not this attorney another one).  I don't think you recognize how serious your situation is.  You dodged a bullet this time but what about next time your wife dysregulates? She has already shown she will lie about you to the authorities?  She absolutely has the potential to make make these kinds of accusations again and stick with them.

Your wife just lied in a really big way what makes you think she will negotiate a divorce in good faith? She is not looking out for your best interests and I'm not sure you are even looking out for your best interests.  Retain an attorney who can.

I''m sorry if this all sounds harsh but I really am concerned and I'm worried that you are not concerned enough.

Take care of you,

Panda39

[Grey Kitty]

If she wants to drop the divorce now, let her drop it.

You've seen that she is willing to make false allegations against you, and use the legal system and police to hurt you.

Protect yourself.

Make recordings (without her knowing) so you have evidence of her being verbally abusive to you, and physical abuse too, if it happens. Other records of what happened and when may help you as well, so a log or diary will help.

Question: Are you still living with a friend instead of at home with her and your son?

[Grey Kitty]

What do they want to extend 30 days?

Is that a protective order against you for both her and your son? I wouldn't agree to any extension of that or let my lawyer do so. That sounds very dangerous to you for future legal proceedings!

Or is it something about the divorce proceedings?

[livednlearned]

Thanks for the responses. I finally (1 week later) got the attorney on the case. She called apposing attorney and apparently my wife says I am a good man and she didn't want to proceed. This is what my attorney says. They want to extend the injuction for 30 days and go through mediation. She was trying to get me to go ahead and secure her for the divorce. HOnesltly, I think if I get the injuction gone, my wife and I could work the details out without mediation and attorneys.

Would you recommend I suggest this to my attorney? at this point she is just working on the DV case. I think thy are trying to "sell" me for the divorce, when I am not sure I will need it. Thoughts?

I don't think your L is trying to sell you anything, necessarily. It sounds like the two Ls involved were able to diffuse the situation, managed to get your wife to stand down, and are in problem-solving mode. And with what you've just been through, it is reasonable for others to assume that the next solution would involve the legal process.

It's also possible that your wife's L told her that she is in one-down position when it comes to custody. Meaning, if you were to file, your wife would lose her flexible, one-sided arrangement. That might explain why she said positive things about you, and then asked to extend the injunction (which, if you are a "good guy," is hard to explain... .)

If nothing else, it might help to get a temporary custody arrangement worked out so that you have very clear boundaries when it comes to time with your son. A question for the lawyer might be whether it is wise to proceed with a temporary custody arrangement (which usually becomes permanent!) while you and your wife decide what to do about the relationship.

The hard thing about what just happened is that once the legal system gets involved, you are on the court's clock, so to speak. You want to make sure you don't agree to anything that isn't true -- no plea deals, for example. That's why agreeing to extend the injunction is worrisome. Why would you extend it if you know you aren't a threat? If you agree, the lawyer could argue down the line that you were violent, and agreed to extend the injunction because you knew you were a threat to your son's mom.

Court has a very unforgiving logic when it comes to high-conflict relationships. A lot of people here have been burned because they didn't understand how the system worked.  

Also, you don't have to make any decisions about divorce right this moment. Gather information and take your time if you can. And don't agree to anything that doesn't sit right with you, especially if it involves signing documents.

[david]

If she says nice/good things about you try to get that documented too. It may help if you wind up in court.

My ex ran away in 2007 and filed a petition to have me removed from our house. She was denied by the court. She had an attorney and so did I. The next morning she showed up with the police to have me evicted. She had the petition but no order. She convinced the police it was legal. The police told me I had five minutes to vacate the premises. I was literally in the driveway calling my attorney. I handed the phone to the police officer and my atty explained it to him. He got off the phone and explained the situation to my ex. She claimed it was a misunderstanding. Those kinds of things happened for a while.

Ex filed three protection orders against me over the course of four years. Two were granted and she dropped one in court.

I finally realized I had to do something to stop it so I built strong boundaries. I only communicate through email. The only time I am near her is when I am picking up our boys and I have an audio recorder and a video recorder with me.

My ex will continue to do what worked for her in the past and the only way to change that is to not make it work. The truth is irrelevant to her. "Winning" is all that matters to her when she is triggered.

[ugghh]

HOnesltly, I think if I get the injuction gone, my wife and I could work the details out without mediation and attorneys.

To be blunt, this is a bad strategy.  To use the classic example, if you need open heart surgery, would you consider doing it yourself?  Why are you opposed to obtaining competent legal help for something that could literally affect the rest of your life?

As LnL pointed out, the lawyers often serve a very useful source, particularly in family law, of providing a buffer that is able to take the emotion out of highly emotional situations.  The advice you are getting here (recording, don't take deals, etc.) has come from very hard learned lessons of people who have been in your situation.

If you did not do anything wrong, why would you agree to continue an injunction?  My ex tries something similar during the course of our divorce.   Why put yourself at a relative disadvantage?  I countered with a proposal that we mutually agree to stay away from each other's residences.  See the difference?  When someone reads that  you agreed to stay away from her, it implies you did something wrong.  There is less bias in you both agreeing to stay away from each other.

[david]

I tried mediation years ago. Ex actually was the one that suggested it. After being accused of all kinds of nasty things the mediator put us in separate rooms. I then proposed to agree with everything that my soon to be ex wanted. I explained to the mediator that I believed ex would reject it. The mediator looked at me kind of puzzled and pointed out that I was agreeing with everything my ex wanted. I told the mediator that ex would change her mind. We went back into the room with ex and the mediator gave ex the offer. She rejected immediately. The mediator tried to explain to ex that she was getting everything she asked for. During that time I packed up my things and told the mediator I was finished. Went to court the next day, since the mediation was ex's last effort, and she agreed in court with everything I proposed at the mediation. Ex made it look like it was her idea in court.

My ex has accused me of physical, verbal, emotional, and spiritual abuse during the first three or four years after she ran away. She eventually calmed down and no longer accuses me of any abuse. I also have a video and audio recorder with me whenever she will be near me and I made sure she knew I had both and would use them to protect myself.

[Flexion]

SO... .

It's day 12 that I haven't seen my son. It's getting harder. Today, I was driving by my condos on the way to a friend's house, and my wife was pulling out. The thought of my son in that car broke me. I couldn't do a thing. Helpless.

My inner man was saying stop and just say Hi! My mind knew better. SO hard! This is the longest period I have been away from him.

It's Easter and alone. Really hard. Still blown away someone can act like I am a viscous beast that abused her. Unbelievable!

[livednlearned]

Have you agreed to extend the injunction?

[Flexion]

Have you agreed to extend the injunction?

Honestly,  I feel like I'm lost. Feel like my attorney needed to reschedule hearing for 1 day and it ends up 30 days. I called her back and said, " I don't want this for 30 days." she said, "you don't have a choice! the opposing attorney will not do anything else." What? So, I guess they were going to fight for the injunction to be held in place at the hearing. My problem is it is her word against mine. Yes, shes has pics, but she's lying. I have texts where she admits to hitting and having "extreme actions!" I have this forum where I have sought help for her and detailed her rages.

IT just seems unfair and her attorney is driving this!

[adaw]

it is tough i have been through this. the problem is how normal and placid they can be in front of others. i have video and voice recordings of every attack. she was upset when i shared it with her trusted friends after they attacked me verbally.

[Grey Kitty]

You are feeling lost. From a relationship point of view, that is very natural and reasonable.  

From a legal point of view, that sounds terrible.

Your lawyer ought to be able to tell you when you will be able to see your son, or at least tell you what several legal paths back to this look like and how long they can be expected to take.

Do you trust your lawyer?

[livednlearned]

I have texts where she admits to hitting and having "extreme actions!"  

This means it is more than her word against yours. You have documentation of her taking responsibility for hitting you. If she shows photos and you show texts, the court may call it even and give you both a slap on the wrist.

If you have to extend the injunction for technical reasons, that's one thing. If you are being asked whether you agree to the injunction being extended, that seems like another issue. It may the former -- sometimes lawyers really do not have time to schedule hearings -- but my guess is that the opposing L's strategy is to draw this out as long as possible to get a winning advantage in court. Sometimes (often?) Ls are more focused on winning and we end up getting dragged along in the mud not understanding who is leading who.

As you wait for the hearing, learn everything you can about how things work where you live. Whether you will testify, how to dress in court, what to say, what demeanor to have, what happens if you are charged with anything, what happens if you accidentally bump into her. If you are particularly motivated, you could even go and sit in the court room and watch other couples going through the same thing. My ex was a former trial lawyer and we had over 60+ filings in 4 years, so I spent a bunch of time in the court room. In the majority of cases, both parties acted badly. In the cases where one party was reasonable, respectful, organized, focused on reasonable solutions and problem-solving -- it really stood out.

For example, if you have the opportunity in this hearing to say to the judge (or your lawyer), "Your honor, the allegations that there was DV is false, as my client has stated, and as we have demonstrated with evidence, the plaintiff is the one who instigates conflict, as she admits. We ask the court to drop the injunction and recommend that the parties do all of their exchanges at (neutral location, like police station). Or, my client will not enter the plaintiff's home and will do all of the pick-ups at the day care center. Mother will do all drop-offs. We recommend all communication take place through Our Family Wizard (a service set up for high-conflict parents), and we have initiated a parenting plan and visitation schedule to minimize the back-and-forth negotiations that end in conflict for these parents."

Something like that. Give the judge some reason to see that you are 1) not violent; and 2) a plan to make sure you don't end up back in the judge's courtroom.

That's really what the judge doesn't want -- to see you two again. People who cannot resolve their own conflicts end up in court, and the judges want some assurance that you are there by accident, and have a plan to pull things together and resolve things without hiring lawyers and involving the courts.

[ugghh]

Jax, you are entering a very difficult phase.  You are most likely a very rational person, which can make the process even more frustrating.   I often remind people, that the legal process is not necessarily about fairness or justice, especially in family court.  It is about trying to bring a somewhat ordered end to a messy, emotional, disorderly process.

One of the best things you can do in this process is to focus on the long range goal.  While 30 days probably seems an eternity, do your best to focus on what is the best outcome in the long run.   As LnL stated, look for ways to show the judge that you are the calm, rational one.

[Flexion]

Thanks for all of the input. You guys are very helpful.

THis site has helped me so much, whether she is ever diagnosed. Sad thing is she doesn't understand  I would of never left her. I just wanted help.

[ForeverDad]

... .Give the judge some reason to see that you are 1) not violent; and 2) a plan to make sure you don't end up back in the judge's courtroom.

That's really what the judge doesn't want -- to see you two again. People who cannot resolve their own conflicts end up in court, and the judges want some assurance that you are there by accident, and have a plan to pull things together and resolve things without hiring lawyers and involving the courts.

Yes, the court, police and other agencies don't try to help 'repeat litigants' as much as those who have never been there before.  Imagine the police or the judge muttering to selves, "Here we go again... .When will they ever learn... ."  (I think that is one of the reasons our municipal court judge ruled my then-spouse Not Guilty of her Threats of DV charges, it was her first time.  However, if I had done what she had done and had to admit making threats as she had to do, I who am of the male gender might not have gotten off as easily.)

LnL made a good point.  In addition to defending yourself, present solutions to avoid or minimize future conflict or confrontations.  It may be had to do if this is not domestic court, other courts are unlikely to issue continuing orders if ruling Not Guilty and dismissed.

Some other general notes... .Courts are judicial systems, not justice systems. :'(  The one behaving poorly seldom gets consequences and the one behaving well seldom gets credit.

[david]

Having solutions in court helps greatly. Our custody order is 98% written by me. The judge put some things in it in the beginning. Eventually, I figured, from this site, that you need to go to court with solutions for the judge. My ex never had solutions and just blamed me for everything.

One judge gave us both two weeks to make suggestions for him and then he would make a ruling. I had 14 points all spelled out that addressed all the issues I was having and issues I anticipated afterwards. It took me about ten days to put together. I looked on web sites about custody , this site, etc. Ex handed in a paper saying I was abusive and should not be allowed to see our kids. The judge copied my 14 points exactly as written and it became the biggest part of our custody order.