New here, really need support.

[Cosmia]

Hi. I'll try to keep my daughter's back story short and to the point. She is 14. She's struggled with difficult behavior then mental illness for most of her life. Began self harming at 11. September of last year, I got a call from her school that she had attempted suicide. Since then, she's been home for maybe 4 months total. She spent 8 months in residential treatment. Discharged briefly last November, but was back in acute within a week. Came home from residential again this June. Since then, she's had 5 ER visits, 3 acute stays, too many ambulance rides and stitches to count, and is now back in residential. I honestly couldn't say how many times she's attempted suicide. Every self harm incident now involves an ER trip and stitches. She also has an eating disorder, going between starving herself and purging. Even though she's only 14, it's gotten to the point where everyone is clear it's BPD.

I love her and want to help her. I've dedicated myself to finding care for her, being involved in every aspect of her treatment, documenting every incident and phone call. I'm burnt out. I have hit a wall, and I feel like a failure because of it. I've gone on disability due to anxiety. My psychiatrist thinks I need a break from participating in her treatment. My mental health is suffering tremendously from this. Part of it is due to the fact that I've been through this all before with my mother when I was a teenager. She had the suicide attempts and hospitalizations, and I had the trauma that went with that.

I also have an 11 year old daughter who had a terrible time last year dealing with her sister's hospitalizations, and a 4 year son who is developmentally delayed and has multiple therapies a week. My daughters' father and I are divorced, and we do not see eye to eye on d14's condition or treatment.

I'm considering going into a day treatment program to get more instensive help learning to deal with all of this. I seem to have no resilience left. But I am struggling so much with this... .I feel like I must be there for my older daughter. I'm failing if I'm not giving everything I have. But I'm spread so thin. It's all I can do to keep up with my home and my younger two children while I am off work. I am panicked at the thought of anymore family therapy sessions or weekend visits, let alone late night calls to tell me of another self harm incident.

Does anyone have any advice? I know that I have to take care of myself, but I don't know how. Am I the only person who has fallen apart like this after so much? It just feels like trauma after trauma... .I never get used to it.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi Cosmia,

You are carrying a lot on your shoulders, and you do sound like you're spread so very thin. You're not alone, and I'm glad you shared what you're going through.

Many parents here know what it's like to go over the edge, and to feel like everyone is dependent on you. Like you say, tho, if your cup is empty, it's hard to do much for anyone else.

What kind of day treatment are you looking in to? Have you read Blaise Aguirre's book BPD in Adolescence? I found I had to seek out positive places of support, whether in books or through groups where people were dealing with the level of conflict I was experiencing. Regular advice just didn't cut it. I also found that taking care of myself was the only path forward, as hard as that may feel when you have others depending on you. Without your strength, you can be of no help so may as well figure out what it takes and start there.

It's also one of the lessons learned for me, dealing with a BPD loved one. I had to be strong and practice self care in order to have the emotional resilience that she and others needed from me, to understand values, assert boundaries, and above all have the compassion and communication skills to stabilize the relationship.

Mindfulness classes helped me. I am not one to do something like that, and I also had to do it. Like you, my anxiety was through the roof and I needed a way to slow the horses.

Is your ex supportive at all in dealing with your D14? How do you two not see eye to eye? Where does he differ?

[wendydarling]

Hi Cosmia, I wish to join livenlearned in welcoming you to bpdfamily 

So glad you found us, you are not alone, many members here relate to your journey and can provide supportive personal advice and experience in addition to the great educational resources.

Do you have a friend or family member supporting you too? And yes a personal programme or counselling for you is a good way forward, what are the options available to you?

What are your 14yr old DD's medics advising you at this point?

I recognise your time is tight and we hope to hear from you when able.

WDx

[Bright Day Mom]

Hi Cosmia, I am sorry to hear your family's struggle.  You are in plenty of good company. My D16 had many hospitalizations and attended residential for 8 months, just discharged 3-1/2 weeks ago.  

I think your psych has a good point to at least lighten up on your D's day-to-day treatment. I was obsessed with learning everything about BPD when my D was first dx, read all the books, webinars, etc. I felt like all I did was learn, research, go to work for 4 hrs, put dinner on, visit my D in the hospital and do it all over again!  It wasn't until my DH brought to my attention that every conversation was based around her treatment!

My situation is was a little different as she is my youngest and my other child is away college. You've got little ones and this takes a toll on them too. We have all felt at one point that we can't do this any more, but guess what?  We are STRONG!  and have more strength than we ever could imagine. Look at all you have survived thus far, you're a great Mom and are spread very thin.  

Keep posting, sometimes venting helps.

[Cosmia]

Thanks for your replies.

livednlearned, I'm looking into a local intensive outpatient program for depression, anxiety, and other mental illness. It's supposed to be wonderful. I've been in weekly therapy with a therapist who is well versed in DBT and BPD in the hopes that she could help me with the issues facing my daughter. I also see my psychiatrist frequently. I've tried using the skills my therapist recommends along with yoga and meditation and rest and everything I can, but I just can't seem to move forward. What hit me hard was the one year anniversary of d14's first major suicide attempt on Sept 10 and the realization that nothing much had changed after so much time and struggle.

D14's dad is feels that she has more control over the situation than I feel she has. He sees her actions as more behavioral than mental illness. He's harder on her, and he's more likely to give up on her. They have a tense relationship marked by periods where she refuses to see him or speak to him. I have tended to blame more on her mental illness and been less likely to see her as manipulative. I have always been the default parent to stand by her, to visit when no one else will, to let her stay with me exclusively when she won't see him, to spend the night in the ER when no one else will. Recently, I've realized that he and I are both wrong. I've been blind to the control she does have. I've been unable to see that she can be both mentally ill and manipulative. I've been enabling her in a way. It's hard to admit that your child can be capable of certain things I suppose.

wendydarling, I have a very supportive partner, thankfully. I've been asking for more help from my psychiatrist and therapist, but I don't think I'm using the right words. My partner is going to my therapy session with me on Friday to try to help. She can see how much I'm struggling. Also, my best friend struggles with mental illness, and she is a great source of support for me. In fact, she went to the day treatment program I'm considering and found it to be tremendously helpful.

My daughter's treatment team is stressing that we (all of her family) focus on taking care of ourselves this time around. I know they understand how difficult the past year+ has been for all of us. They aren't aware of how much I am struggling, though. I don't want to be melodramatic, but I have the most difficult thoughts all the time... .I see kids my daughter's age and wonder why she can't be like that. I'm jealous of other people. It's so hard to look at her skin (the scars are astounding) and then remember her beautiful baby skin that I used to kiss. It's so hard to exist everyday knowing that my daughter wants to destroy herself.

[Maresa]

I just want to Echo everything that's already been said by everybody else including you. My daughter is 15 years old and been in a treatment facility since August 8th. This was her seventh treatment facility this year. Everytime I look at her arms the scars make me wanna cry. My job that I still am able to do just barely it's actually a mental health counselor. I'm supposed to know how to help people with their problems every single day but I can't help my own daughter. She's actually use that against me before throwing it in my face how I can always help everyone else and not her. But that's the great thing about that BPD they know what buttons to push where to hurt you the most when they're angry with you. Even me who knows all the things that I'm supposed to do to take care of myself don't do everything that I should to do that but I have my own therapist who I see as often as I can. I just found this board here like a few weeks ago after she (my BPD daughter ) quit talking to me. And I decided about a month or two ago to plan a cruise, something I've always wanted to do. Now it's not going to happen until 2018 and it's a "fibromyalgia" theme Cruise but it's something I've always wanted and it's for me (I developed fibromyalgia a year and a half ago btw).   Self-care is essential or your thoughts will end up destroying you

[Cosmia]

Thanks for your kind words, BrightDayMom.

Maresa, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia a few months ago. I also have chronic pain issues with my hips and neck. I'm sure you are aware how much stress impacts the pain and other symptoms with fibro. So that just compounds everything. Sigh. Good for you for doing something for yourself!

I spoke with my therapist today, and she gave me "permission" to stand by my limits and not participate in the family session tomorrow if it's too much. I also spoke with a hospital social worker today about my son who is 4. One of his care providers wants him to start a new therapy. The social worker was able to figure out that all of his providers need to be communicating and prioritizing his therapies because I can't manage to do so many therapies in a week. (Each therapy requires lots of homework.) Hopefully that will help some.

[Bright Day Mom]

Cosmia it sounds like you've made a little progress, baby steps.  Streamlining your 4yo's treatments and lessening your load will, sounds good!

Your not attending the family sess may pay double, you with a much needed break and your D may have time to think and maybe even miss you? Though as a typical would most likely never admit it!