DIvorce Is is the right thing? Is it a game? Is it real?

[Flexion]

Hi, I have made several posts trying to get Clarity into my marriage with my uBPDw.

She has all the classical characteristics of BPD and some paranoia to go along with it.

She rages over the simplest things. I have been punched, hit, things thrown at me and let's not even talk about the verbal/mental.

Anyhow, over the last several months, I have found this site, started talking to a  client that is a therapist and my good friend that is a psychiatrist.  Doing all this has given me the insight to:

1. set boundaries

2. understand that I am NOT crazy

3. give me peace, even when the storm is raging.

Now, after implementing the boundaries, she fires back "I will leave too if you do this or that." I simply agreed. Over the last few months, I have left numerous times.

The last time was last Monday. I was in the shower and she had been text bombing all day. I was in my private time and thought she was gone. I knew my phone going off was her sending insults and accusations. I simply made a low tone sigh.

Well, she had come home and was lurking by the door and heard it. SHe went bat sh*t crazy, because you know I can't have a moment of dissatisfaction with her. she rages, cusses, punches me and then tries to push me out the door. I left and went to a buddy's house.

Things have been going on like this for some time.

This week, she is convinced she wants to separate. SHe's started reading about narcissists and blowing up my email with links over the last few weeks. I have agreed I carry some traits (I am a physique competitor), but nowhere like that.

THis Monday, she has an appointment with a counselor( been trying to get her here). Of course her counselor, without even meeting me, tells her that I could be a narc. Now, I know she versed up with her words to go in there. I know it.

You all don't know me, but just because Ive been a Pastor, leader, community pillar, love my body, etc that does not make me  a narc that abuses her.   

So, she says she wants to separate to "find herself." I do know she is really having a hard time. she's gotten paranoid about me doing something to our son to make him like me more. She has attacked me and accuses numerous time. I'm simply not doing anything but loving my son.

Anyhow, now she is armed with this from her counselor. I am assuming she has her snowed. SHe is beautiful and very soft spoken. But, the slightest thing from me and she turns into Mr Hyde.

My questions is what should I be thinking/doing? I love my wife but I'm kinda tired of the emotional roller coaster. I could probably deal with some, but not the rage and constant yelling.

She says she wants to find herself. SHe need to work on her. I admire that if true, as it gives hope. Separating is another story, as we are married with a child. Plus, the financial strain.

Do you suggest I go with separation? do you think it can help? or hurt?

Thanks in advance. I did this in a hurry, so ask questions if I wasn't clear.

[Grey Kitty]

Are separation / divorce threats real or a game? I'm afraid the answer to that is "yes". You just can't know what she will do.

What should you do about it? I've got a couple ideas for the bigger picture.

1. If you have enough privacy to do so without her knowing anything of it, see a lawyer and figure out what you can do / should do about getting at least SOME custody of your child. Lots of tough choices in that direction, and you can make them better prepared than ignorant.

Also post about this on the legal board--It can get pretty ugly. Might or might not, but it can. And the senior folks there can give you a lot of very good guidance.

2. Really think about whether you want to separate or not. Don't discuss it with your wife, but think about it.

What about her suggestions of / threats of separation / divorce?

I would reply with something like this "I do not want to separate, but I cannot (or do not wish to) keep you in this marriage against your will." (And pretty much end discussion of the topic with her at that point.)


As for the raging cussing, punching she aims at you... .Three suggestions.

1. Look into recording some of that. It might save you from a DV arrest. It also might not be admissible in court, depending on your state. [The legal board has lots of advice here too]

2. If it escalates to that level, you are (most likely) not enforcing boundaries well enough, firmly enough, or quickly enough. We can help you sort out how to do that better.

3. Domestic violence is very serious, and you are at risk, perhaps in ways you don't realize. Please read this:

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Men

[Turkish]

Hi Jax,

What's going on now? Are you safe?

T.

[Flexion]

Hi Jax,

What's going on now? Are you safe?

T.

I am safe. however, setting boundaries and actually enforcing them has  made it worse. Mainly because they lose control, you think? In addition to leaving when she's dysregulating/ abusing, I also stay away when I get 150 text messages doing the same. It's exhausting! Even if I wanted to J-A-D-E, there is no time to even defend one accusation or  defend myself. So, I told her if she is abusing through text all day, then I would  assume that you are not going to  be able to contain your anger.

Anyhow, this has caused her to feel the "abandonment! " NOw she is pushing for a separation/divorce. But, in the same sense, she throws her comment in occasionally "  I though we could... ." ANyhow, I know that "cutting her off" was the best thing I could do for the abuse, but not for her stability. I would leave and stay with a friend.

Now, she's SO ANGRY that I "left her and didn't come!" I mean, she doesn't even remember punching me last Monday. She calls me a liar.

I have never been called a liar so much. Is this normal with pwBPD?

I'm exhausted. My business is suffering just trying to keep up emotionally. I am making regular validation comments, even when she says she hates me and never wants to see me again. I let her know I just wanted counseling and love my family.

[Grey Kitty]

This reaction isn't a big surprise to me. She is used to getting a response out of you. You've changed and done something different. She's going to push HARDER to get you to do the same thing you used to.

Stay away while she's spewing this level of abusive and provocative stuff at you. It will wind down eventually. This is what we call an extinction burst. Read more about how it works here:

BPD Behaviors: Extinction Burst and Intermittent Reinforcement?

And whatever you do, DON'T capitulate now and let yourself get pulled back into the abuse by any of the stuff she is throwing at you. If you do that, you are teaching her that what she is doing WORKS, and that she can batter you into submission the next time you try to enforce a boundary with her.

Please note--coming back to her when she finally spools down and is civil or even friendly with her is healthy, and teaches the opposite lesson