when is enough, enough?

[Flexion]

HI, I have posted seval times on here, but haven't bee able to recently.

I believe my wife could have Borderline personality and bi polar disorder. Not sure. Just absolute insanity!

Let me catch you up... .

Our relationship is absolutely upside down. As you know, these mental issues are not easy to live with. We have been together 8 years and it's been  8 years of instability. LIke I have to fight everyday to convince her that what she is thinking isn't true. I understand her emotions are real. However,  most cases her emotional outrage is cause by a thought that is not correct.

Recently, we were scheduled to go on vacation. On Friday (leaving Saturday) we go into a huge fight. I did my best to avoid it and even locked the bathroom door where I was bathing my son. She busted in the door and started punching me with her fist. I left the room and went to the kitchen and grabbed a glass of water. she grabbed it out of my hand with such force it broke. A little later, she reached up and grabbed me by my throat, which left deep scratches on my neck. I felt helpless! Now, let me say this... .I am a 200 lb bodybuilder and have wept trying to get her attention.

SO, at the point of bed, we agreed that I would not be going on vacation. However, me breing the person I am, I get up early when she's loading the car and say "babe, maybe rethink this... .we need this time." so I went.

Oh, she broke her hand hitting me. . BEAST. NExt stop, UFC! YOu're welcome for the humor! .

ANNYYYYHOW, a few months back, my 21 year old son started staying with us on our coach, which isn't the best for us at this time. However, he is my son and I love him. SHe is good with it most times and enjoys him. However, one thing with me, she demonizes him and goes off about both my boys. Says she never wants to see them again.

My oldest son has a gf that has recently butted heads with my wife as well. SO, she has demonized him, along with her and reiterated to me that " I will no longer have anything to do with them!" 

Now, this is all petty family stuff that happens in most families. I mean, am I dumb or do people have disagreements? However, any issues she has with anyone, she wants to demonize and cut them out of her life.  In fact, over the last 6 months, she has cut off her life long friends because the were talking about her. NOw, she is having issues with her Best friend (who I love). She says, "I am over it." Her friend is the most kind person I have ever met, But because she didn't text her back (she feels like her friend does in intentionally), she's over her. I mean, she is cutting everyone off.

there is SO Much more, as any of you know having these issues.

But, let's get to yesterday. I got up early with our son and took him to the grocery store with me so she could sleep in. She got up around 10:30.   I came back and was hustling to get chili in the crockpot for dinner and the house in order to enjoy Sunday afternoon. I noticed she kept wanting me to go on a run( I had mentioned I wanted to). I know when she's in her mood because she will continue to say " I though you were going running" over and over. But I noticed my phone was dead and my earphones were dead, so I just keep cleaning.

My son fell and bumped his head. She had him in the kitchen and was putting a pack of vegetables on the bump. I walked up and squeezed the corner of the bag that was not touching his head. Needless to say, she walked off and started a huge fight. I gave in to it and was simply trying to ask her what I did wrong!

It is simply out of control. I waited a while, went in the room and sat on the bed. I put my hand on her leg and said "babe, let's not let this ruin our day.' she replied "get the F*ck out... I don't want to see you at all." along with other verbal, personal attacks. I went out. Came back a while later and said "please just tell me what I did wrong." . WEll, you know she can't tell me! She just jumped up and started screaming to get away from her.

This morning, I sent her a text because her alarm hasn't been working. She replied "yeah, I'm up."

Immediately after that, she sent me around 30 texts verbally assaulting me in ways that I have never been. anything personal from my penis size to not loving me at all, to wasting 8 years on me, never met someone as evil as me... .on and on! This is normal with her when ANYTHING remotely irritates her or not fully agreeing with anything she says.

I am at a loss. I have never felt or seen someone say things like she does on a regular basis. I know she doesn't mean the things, but after 8 years, they are wearing me down.

I am a very confident man. I take pride in my appearance and display great values, but this is getting to me. Mainly because I want to fix it and can't believe someone I love can say the things she does to me.

NOw, she blames  me for her getting angry and saying those things to me. I am serious. I have got over 150 texts today, all of which are personal attacks meant to hurt me to the core. I have resisted and responded with " I just love you!" NOTHING WORKS!

Oh, she is 100% not cheating. 

Here's a little background on me. I am 43 and my wife is 31.  My first marriage was 17 years. We divorced due to her infidelity. Two older boys, 21 & 23.  I was a church Pastor for 8 years. Yes, I have applied many christian principles. THe ones she loved about me are the same she beats me with now. FOr example, she loved the fact that me ex and I have a good relationship. I forgave her totally and never held hatred or resentment. My wife now, on the other hand, keeps score of every PERCEIVED wrong.

Anyhow, I have ranted and probably don't make sense. Feel free to ask questions to fill in the blanks!

HELP ME SORT MY MIND OUT! LOL.

[Daniell85]

Is there some recent thing that is setting her off that you can tell what it is?

I am curious, way back when you got married, was there an incident that brought out that behavior? On going issues that she is triggering off of outside of the relationship with you?

I also want to give you a hug   and reassure you that you are not deserving of this battering that is taking place on you. The physical attacks... when did those begin?

[dacoming]

My wife threatens to hit me all the time.  As a matter of fact, recently we were at a point where she kept putting her finger in my face and pushing my face while raging as I told her to stop it.  I walked out and she followed until finally I turned around and told her to do it.  I told her I wasn't going to hit her but call the police.  She tried to turn it around to the kids like she thought I was going to hit her and I have turned into the person who would put her in jail knowing she has kids.

She always insults, demeans, belittles and blames me for the most crazy things but when I tell her that it hurts me, she goes deeper.  She always ask me to look at what she is saying and see if it's true instead of being a woman about it or words to that effect.  She claims to have no clue why I changed to a very different and confrontational person now because she feels she is way better than she used to be.  When I tell her she is better in some areas but the accusations have expanded to way greater lengths, she explodes!  I have never in my life had anyone try to make me feel lesser than her but she claims to love me more than anybody else.  She says she is trying to make me a better man.  But all she does is make me feel less than a man when I allow it to get to me.

[townhouse]

How absolutely awful for you.   

I can understand what you are going through because the same thing has been happening to me except the reverse gender. I am the female and my partner of 13 years has been out of control as well.

I am sorry that I can't offer any help or explanations because I am struggling to understand the whole thing myself. Just wanted to offer you support so you know you are not alone in experiencing this nightmare.

[Flexion]

Is there some recent thing that is setting her off that you can tell what it is?

Thank you for the resonse! NOt really anything I  can think of.  I do know that it seems she overthinks or reads into so much. She is consumed with what people say/do concerning her. Like paranoid that people said something about her. SHe reads into FB posts thinking her friends/family is talking about her. IT's really bad! Lol. She reads into EVERYTHING  I say. I spend more time explaining my thoughts (because she twists everything I say) to her than you can imagine

I am curious, way back when you got married, was there an incident that brought out that behavior? On going issues that she is triggering off of outside of the relationship with you?

NOt that I know of. I do know we had a son since. Oh, she was also in a car accident when she was 8 months pregnant. I though possibly a correlation?

I also want to give you a hug   and reassure you that you are not deserving of this battering that is taking place on you. The physical attacks... when did those begin?

At this point, I need it. . I Know  I don't. But, to hear her go on and on about how bad I am is overwhelming after 8 years. SHe bashes me that I am the only one that ever brought this side of her out. Again,  I do NOT believe that.

[Flexion]

My wife threatens to hit me all the time.  As a matter of fact, recently we were at a point where she kept putting her finger in my face and pushing my face while raging as I told her to stop it.  I walked out and she followed until finally I turned around and told her to do it.  I told her I wasn't going to hit her but call the police.  She tried to turn it around to the kids like she thought I was going to hit her and I have turned into the person who would put her in jail knowing she has kids.

She always insults, demeans, belittles and blames me for the most crazy things but when I tell her that it hurts me, she goes deeper.  She always ask me to look at what she is saying and see if it's true instead of being a woman about it or words to that effect.  She claims to have no clue why I changed to a very different and confrontational person now because she feels she is way better than she used to be.  When I tell her she is better in some areas but the accusations have expanded to way greater lengths, she explodes!  I have never in my life had anyone try to make me feel lesser than her but she claims to love me more than anybody else.  She says she is trying to make me a better man.  But all she does is make me feel less than a man when I allow it to get to me.

I'm sorry, man! There is no words to say for this type of behavior. I've certainly had my times of breaking and saying things back that was hurtful to her. With these type of people, they dwell on the things you say in retaliation, not all the insane things they said to you for hours, days or even weeks. You suddenly become the abuser. I read somewhere that their emotions are heightened. They have demonized us and cannot even see the things they're doing. Sad.

My wife has expressed over and over that I am the best thing every happened to her. That she has never loved anyone like me( keep in mind I met her when she was 23) The next breathe (literally) she is telling me that I am the most evil person she ever met. .

My wife does the same when talking about fights. She doesn't see how she has twisted and accused. She thinks I'm arguing with her when I'm trying to convince her she has misudnerstood something. THis happens alot. SHe doesn't listen to an entire thought. She takes everything out of context in the conversations.

MOST OF OUR FIGHTS ARE LIKE CHANGING THE CHANNELS ON TV CONSTANTLY. Stop on a station long enough to see what it is and then switch.  She is right, we can never resolve anything. Why? Because when we finally talk, we rarely keep the conversation on the topic at hand. She always screams every wrong(actual or perceived) done to her over 8 years . 

[KarinB]

Flexion,

I am so sorry to hear about this.

Arguments are normal in any relationship but violence is not. And you should not have to put up with it.

How do you feel? I am sure that you are very confused but it sounds like the violence and irrational behaviour has been going on for a long time?

Big hug 

[dacoming]

I'm sorry, man! There is no words to say for this type of behavior. I've certainly had my times of breaking and saying things back that was hurtful to her. With these type of people, they dwell on the things you say in retaliation, not all the insane things they said to you for hours, days or even weeks. You suddenly become the abuser. I read somewhere that their emotions are heightened. They have demonized us and cannot even see the things they're doing. Sad.

My wife has expressed over and over that I am the best thing every happened to her. That she has never loved anyone like me( keep in mind I met her when she was 23) The next breathe (literally) she is telling me that I am the most evil person she ever met. .

My wife does the same when talking about fights. She doesn't see how she has twisted and accused. She thinks I'm arguing with her when I'm trying to convince her she has misudnerstood something. THis happens alot. SHe doesn't listen to an entire thought. She takes everything out of context in the conversations.

MOST OF OUR FIGHTS ARE LIKE CHANGING THE CHANNELS ON TV CONSTANTLY. Stop on a station long enough to see what it is and then switch.  She is right, we can never resolve anything. Why? Because when we finally talk, we rarely keep the conversation on the topic at hand. She always screams every wrong(actual or perceived) done to her over 8 years . 

This is EXACTLY like dealing with my wife.  It's amazing how so many people on this board have similar stories, some with no differences.  Right now, my wife is in the "I love you more than you can imagine" stage but just a couple days ago, she was telling me how everything I did was annoying her and how it would be a long day in hell before we sleep together again.  The problem is, she never told me what I was doing.  We were laying down watching TV.  She made two or three statements while we were watching TV which seemed like she was trying to get something going or push my buttons but I did not bite or even respond.  Perhaps that made her mad... .It's hard believing anything positive because she turns right around and contradicts it with the total opposite.  One minute I am the greatest thing since the tennis shoe; the next I'm the worst person that she ever met.

[Flexion]

Flexion,

I am so sorry to hear about this.

Arguments are normal in any relationship but violence is not. And you should not have to put up with it.

How do you feel? I am sure that you are very confused but it sounds like the violence and irrational behaviour has been going on for a long time?

Big hug 

Hi Karin,

Thanks for the reply. Honestly, today I feel overwhelmed! My phone goes off in sets of 6-10 texts. All of which is belittling everything about me. Remember, she blew up Sunday for no apparent reason( or she never said). Now shes going through everything.

`. you never wanted a kid with me

- I put up with you older boys... .I don't care if i ever see them again.

- you stole 8 years of my life

- you are the worse person I ever met

- I want a man that blah blah blah.

- I was 23 and you manipulated me! blah blah blah

- cascade of personal attacks from being old, etc. . No one would think that, of course. But to come from your wife?

- constantly calling me a liar! She doesn't trust me... .or anyone for that fact!

This all today is about what people "could" of said about her.

[dacoming]

Hi Karin,

Thanks for the reply. Honestly, today I feel overwhelmed! My phone goes off in sets of 6-10 texts. All of which is belittling everything about me. Remember, she blew up Sunday for no apparent reason( or she never said). Now shes going through everything.

`. you never wanted a kid with me

- I put up with you older boys... .I don't care if i ever see them again.

- you stole 8 years of my life

- you are the worse person I ever met

- I want a man that blah blah blah.

- I was 23 and you manipulated me! blah blah blah

- cascade of personal attacks from being old, etc. . No one would think that, of course. But to come from your wife?

- constantly calling me a liar! She doesn't trust me... .or anyone for that fact!

This all today is about what people "could" of said about her. [/quote]
I've heard almost all of these... .. 

[KarinB]

Hi Karin,

Thanks for the reply. Honestly, today I feel overwhelmed! My phone goes off in sets of 6-10 texts. All of which is belittling everything about me. Remember, she blew up Sunday for no apparent reason( or she never said). Now shes going through everything.

`. you never wanted a kid with me

- I put up with you older boys... .I don't care if i ever see them again.

- you stole 8 years of my life

- you are the worse person I ever met

- I want a man that blah blah blah.

- I was 23 and you manipulated me! blah blah blah

- cascade of personal attacks from being old, etc. . No one would think that, of course. But to come from your wife?

- constantly calling me a liar! She doesn't trust me... .or anyone for that fact!

This all today is about what people "could" of said about her. [/quote]
Hi Flexion,

Firstly, remember that you are not alone, we are here for you.

Is your wife ever 'calm' or is she always like this? Is there anything that triggers her behaviour like negative situations at work, or other unexpected situations that a non BPD would regard as just a 'bad day' kind of thing?

It must be awful getting those text messages, I am so sorry that you have to receive them. Might be hard to do but if you expect them to be abusive, delete them before you even read them. You do not deserve to be abused.

Her texts sound desperate and unhappy. Do you reply to them? Is she sad at a later stage that she has sent them to you or does she stand by her word?

[babyducks]

hi Flexion,

I am sorry to read what you are going through.   These are very troubling events.  I am going to include the link to safety for you to take a look at.   

Safety First

When violence occurs in a relationship it is important to take time and think things through.   It's easier to plan for safety when things are relatively calm.   

I had violence occur in my relationship.   It was something I needed to draw a careful boundary around.   For a while it was necessary for me to have a safety plan.   My plan included keeping a spare bag in the car, with easy access to a spare set of keys and my credit cards available in case I needed to relocate.    Your safety plan might look different.

Typically what the experts say is that violence tends to escalate.   That once that line has been crossed, the flash point arrives more frequently and with less provocation.

I also want to mention that in many places, should police be called to intervene they are legally required to arrest someone during a Domestic Violence call and often times, it is the male in the party.    Even if he is the one being abused.

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Men

Take care of your safety first.   think about making a safety plan.   have you considered what action you would like to take in response to her attacking you in the bathroom?   I am assuming this was in front of your son since you mentioned you were bathing him.

'ducks

[Flexion]

hi Flexion,

I am sorry to read what you are going through.   These are very troubling events.  I am going to include the link to safety for you to take a look at.   

Safety First

When violence occurs in a relationship it is important to take time and think things through.   It's easier to plan for safety when things are relatively calm.   

I had violence occur in my relationship.   It was something I needed to draw a careful boundary around.   For a while it was necessary for me to have a safety plan.   My plan included keeping a spare bag in the car, with easy access to a spare set of keys and my credit cards available in case I needed to relocate.    Your safety plan might look different.

Typically what the experts say is that violence tends to escalate.   That once that line has been crossed, the flash point arrives more frequently and with less provocation.

I also want to mention that in many places, should police be called to intervene they are legally required to arrest someone during a Domestic Violence call and often times, it is the male in the party.    Even if he is the one being abused.

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Men

Take care of your safety first.   think about making a safety plan.   have you considered what action you would like to take in response to her attacking you in the bathroom?   I am assuming this was in front of your son since you mentioned you were bathing him.

'ducks

Thank you. Yes, it was in front of my son. I couldn't do anything but cry for him. She, of course, got mad about that too. .

Today has been a roller coaster. SHe text me (as she has all week because we haven't spoken) today to rant about her best friend and cutting it off with her. I try to comfort her and tell her to do what she felt is right. I went on to tell her I'm sorry that she is going through this with her/our friend. I also said that with all the chaos in our house lately, I cannot even focus on anything. I know if I try to get involved, she turns on me for not "supporting her."

I almost posted the entire convo! .

Anyhow, she did turn on me anyhow. Verbally (through text) abused me for several texts. Then called me an emotional abuser. I was at a loss for words. Tried a few different times to help her see how she was being, since it was all in texts. NEVER WORKS!

Should I post the convo and get some feedback?  Honestly, there is no right answer with her.

tHANK

[babyducks]

Hi Flexion,

Anyhow, she did turn on me anyhow. Verbally (through text) abused me for several texts. Then called me an emotional abuser. I was at a loss for words. Tried a few different times to help her see how she was being, since it was all in texts. NEVER WORKS!

Should I post the convo and get some feedback?  Honestly, there is no right answer with her.

Abuse is never okay in my book.   Not verbal.  Not physical.  Continuing the conversation hoping that this time she will understand and see reason is normally counter productive.  It adds more fuel to the fire. 

The best thing to do is end the debate.   Don't engage in anything argumentative.  By continuing the conversation even by text, more energy is being added to an already tense situation.   Here is a great link and I am going to pick some pieces out of it.

How to take a time out

You can't make them stop. No one can. At that point they are so far gone that they can't be reasoned with. If you continue to stay there and engage with them you are sending  the signal that it is OK to abuse you.

So the last option is to get away.

That means telling them you are taking a time out and walking out of the room, going to watch tv, read a book, take the dog (or just yourself) for a walk, go for a drive, or go work on a favorite hobby. My favorite is going to the bathroom for some privacy and time to think. Essentially - It means that you will no longer just sit there listening to them abuse you. It means that you will take care of yourself enough to leave an abusive situation.

“But I've tried that before and it makes things worse”, you say.

OK, I believe that you have tried, but maybe you were still too deep in the FOG to recognize how they were manipulating you.

* Maybe you did it in anger and frustration, yelling yourself and making things worse.

* Maybe you started out good, walking away and ignoring them, but they said something that you just HAD to respond to.

* Maybe you did it and they followed you into the next room, still yelling and carrying on.

* Maybe they stood in front of you and blocked you, or hid the car keys from you.

Only you know how things happened, but if they tried it once, they will probably do the same thing next time, so you need to be proactive and have yourself prepared on how you will deal with them next time it happens.

How you take a time out is important.   There are many good suggestions in the link.   Something short and simple to remember in a high stress moment.   "I need to take a break from this conversation right now.   We can talk again later when THINGS (not you) when THINGS are calmer."   

Breaking the cycle of conflict is difficult.   When there is a lot of unhealthy interaction going on someone has to be the first to say this needs to stop.   

What do you think would happen if you stopped responding to abusive texts? 

'ducks