leaving

[clinicman]

My wife has high functioning BPD. I've been dealing with it for years. She is so angry all the time .Never know what is going to set her off. Two rages recently on the weekend and I've had enough. Had to separate. Unable to sleep well any longer or concentrate at work. She has been out of the house for 2 mos . Feeling better but left with the guilt of further disrupting the lives of our 3 kids. Judge was astonished when she told him she suffered mental abuse because I helped my daughter with her laundry. No win situations, constant criticism and sarcasm.  Life was crazy in the house. For some reason the hardest thing is leaving. She has been screaming the I hate your fu... .ing guts for years and now says she wants me back--that she really loves me. Go figure. I'd rather have the guilt than the wife. Moving on... .but it aint easy. clinicman in GA

[livednlearned]

Hi clinicman

Feeling guilt is pretty normal around these here parts  

A lot of us don't cope well with lots of guilt, which makes us have weak boundaries, and people with BPD, having no boundaries, find a nice fit, at first. Except no one likes a doormat, least of all someone who needs and (deep down) wants their partner to have firm (and gentle) boundaries. It's exhausting, and takes a lot of skill even in the best of times before the resentment torches it all down.

Disrupting the lives of the kids is hard, although having been out of my BPD marriage for many years now, I will say that my S15 is doing a thousand times better than if we stayed. When you stand up to a bully, kids notice.

It is the hardest thing to try and protect them from someone they (want to) love.

The guilt is normal, and makes you human, and it's probably a good idea to get to the bottom of it to see what it's about. Chances are you were raised to think that your job was to make things better for others, at the expense of your own self-care. It can take time to realize you deserve to be loved and respected even when others disagree.

How old are the kids? How are they doing?

[ForeverDad]

You wrote she's out of the house.  Are the children mostly with you?  If so, and that pattern continues, then that HISTORY of majority parenting time will mean a lot.  I recall when I had my first session with my Custody Evaluator he said that history is half of his consideration.  Evidently, as my lawyer phrased it, the courts try to avoid changes that might 'upset' the children.  (I wanted to counter to my lawyer, What if NOT making changes would upset the children?)

So beware if she wants to manipulate your feelings or sense of fairness to get more time with the children.  If you Gift Away time with the kids, it will be an uphill struggle to get the pattern set back to your favor.  Yes, you do have to allow some structured time, you can't unilaterally block without real basis, but beware of your sense of fairness, it could sabotage your better judgment!

In the early months of my separation I did trade time sometimes.  And got burned.  She always asked for her time first, at the last minute, and so I was stuck getting time later.  Except later she was a no show or she changed the terms.  I got burned a few times and so set a couple basic rules AKA "Boundaries" ... .all trades in writing and I get the first part of the trade.

Around here you quickly learn what Boundaries are ... .they protect you, they show a consistent face to your ever manipulating and demanding Ex.  Relaxing a Boundary, seen as reasonableness to us, is perceived as weakness to a disordered, entitled, demanding Ex.  We do have to make adjustments sometimes but be aware how such adjustment are perceived by the other, an encouragement to push the boundaries more.

[broken_husband]

Feeling guilt is pretty normal around these here parts 

That is so true!

They are masters at evoking guilt in a partner, and especially those of us already prone to feeling guilt over the slightest transgression. I too, came to the conclusion that I needed to leave in order to retain my sanity. I've only been out a couple of days, but it is a relief.  They will blame you for making their lives so difficult, and we are ruining everything. They lack whatever trait it is that makes one feel responsible for themselves. It feels so wrong, being in an argument with a "child" that is over 50 years old!     

[livednlearned]

It can be life-changing to recognize guilt and flip it. Many of us feel bad when we take care of ourselves, so we become complicit in the dysfunctional dynamic with a relationship partner who weaponizes our own guilt against us.

Once you realize that dynamic and dismantle how your own guilt works, it can be very empowering (and challenging!) to see how it affects other areas of your life.